Bullying does not start in the minds of children

The issue of bullying in schools and on social networks has received a lot of attention across Europe over the last ten years. This article focuses on bullying in schools. Various methods and programmes have been developed by different sectors of society, but as far as we know today (Sweden has conducted in-depth research), these have neither had a preventive effect nor solved the problem of bullying.

On the contrary, it was found that although bullying rates initially fell in the first year or two, they then rose to an even higher level than before the programmes and campaigns were launched. Millions were wasted and the children were once again left alone. Victims of bullying usually receive no help other than moral support, and many parents decide to find new schools for their children. Children who bully are punished in various ways. This tends to make the behaviour of these children even worse.

Neither group is given alternatives to deal with themselves and others. Like teachers, like students The fundamental misunderstanding behind most campaigns is the assumption that bullying starts in the minds of children, which is not the case. It is correct that children have the ability to be mean and nasty to each other. However, the only thing that determines whether or not this happens is adult guidance.

Teachers also mob each other

To the same extent, workplace bullying reflects the quality of management in a company. From our clinical experience, we know that in schools where bullying between children is common, bullying between teachers also occurs. The only difference is that intelligent adults use very subtle ways to belittle others; ways that are not so easily proven. Bullying is a reaction to a dysfunctional social system in institutions and organisations.

The most important leader in schools is the headteacher. His/her leadership style, values and principles are reflected in the behaviour of most teachers. Parents also contribute an important part to the whole: the way they educate their children and the way they are invited to play a constructive role in the school - and not just be contacted to listen to accusations about their own children.

If there is an above-average incidence of bullying in an institution, this is due to a leadership problem, which is a major challenge. In order to transform this aspect of the culture in specific schools, it is necessary to start by creating a constructive mindset among teachers. In most cases, they need a refresher course in developmental and social psychology (relationship skills) as well as adequate leadership training. To my knowledge, neither of these is included in teacher training programmes.

«What is a good friend?»

The second step involves a philosophical exercise, which is very different from a moral reading. This must be done in the first month of the first school year and will take about 50 minutes. The teacher asks each child: «What is a good friend?» - She listens to the answers without commenting or evaluating them and lets the children talk to each other in small groups (it is important to mix girls and boys). At the end, the teacher can write a summary on the blackboard and make sure that all colleagues and parents are informed and encouraged to follow up.

This exercise should be repeated at least once a year. Additional questions should be asked each time: «Have any of you had a bad experience with another child? What happened and how did it make you feel?» Children will answer these questions without fear as soon as they have learnt that their teacher can deal with such situations without resorting to moral accusations or punishments.

Don't be afraid to talk openly: Alternative schools that strive to create a culture based on dialogue are more successful in this regard.

In general, it is important that children always feel safe and valued when they want to say something that may not be directly related to the curriculum. Alternative schools that strive to create a culture based on dialogue are more successful in this regard. The following example can be seen as an extraordinary, courageous act by an extraordinary girl, but the reality is that her initiative would not have been possible without dedicated input from all adults. The idea would have been in her head, but never voiced. It fell on fertile ground.

An eight-year-old Danish girl asked her teacher for permission to stand up in front of her class and deliver a personal message. The teacher suggested that she stand up at her table, but the girl insisted on looking at all her classmates. «I want to tell you something important. One of the boys in this class has learning difficulties and some of you are teasing and bullying him about it. It's making him very unhappy and I think it's wrong and that they should stop.»

Her classmates applauded and that evening the teacher called her mum and told her what her daughter had done and told her she should be proud of her. The mum posted the story on Facebook and received hundreds of likes during the night. The next day, mum and daughter went on breakfast TV and for a few weeks the event was in the public eye and discussed in hundreds of classrooms and thousands of families

Online dossier on bullying:

About the person:

Jesper Juul is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid since 2012 and is in a wheelchair.

Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage. Jesper Juul's columns are written in collaboration with www.familylab.ch