Break-ups: Which approach suits us best?

The residency model

Until recently, the residential model – or sole custody – was the norm: the children live with one parent and visit the other regularly. In most cases, they live with their mother and visit their father. According to the FamyCH study, 71 per cent of separated families in Switzerland still live this way.

Research also shows that parents with sole custody rate their children's health as slightly lower than those who share custody.

However, experts point out that the shared-custody arrangement is not the cause of the lower levels of well-being. Rather, parents who practise shared custody often have greater financial resources and higher educational qualifications. This also influences well-being. Furthermore , there is often more conflict in families with sole custody because the parents are less in agreement.

The shared custody arrangement

Under the alternating custody arrangement, the children live with both their mother and their father. This does not have to be exactly 50:50. If the child lives with one parent 70 per cent of the time and with the other 30 per cent of the time, this is also referred to as an alternating custody arrangement. Following a Federal Supreme Court ruling in 2017, the courts are obliged to consider alternating custody. 29 per cent of all separated families in Switzerland live in this way.

For the alternating care arrangement to work, the family must find two homes that are large enough and close to the school. Furthermore, the adults must be willing to cooperate, as it is essential that they coordinate the child's daily routine.

Frequent changes of location have a negative impact on children's wellbeing.

The alternating care arrangement is also more suitable for older children, as very young children can become overwhelmed more quickly by the constant travelling and long periods away from their primary carers. The Belgian psychologist Jan Piet de Man has put forward a rule of thumb: a child can only be separated from a primary carer for as many days as their age in years. A two-year-old would therefore have to alternate between the two homes every two days.

That is the crux of the matter. The FamyCH study has shown that frequent moves have a negative impact on children's wellbeing. A long distance between places of residence is also not good for children.

If their two homes are not right next to each other, this is often a reason for teenagers to reject the alternating custody arrangement. Their friends play a central role in their lives, which is why they may wish to have a fixed place to call home.

The Nest Model

In the «nest» model, the children continue to live in their own home and the parents take turns looking after them. This model is still very much a niche option or is sometimes regarded as purely a transitional arrangement. In the FamyCH study, only 50 out of over 4,500 of the families surveyed lived in this way. Consequently, the study cannot draw any conclusions as to whether young people in the «nest» model fare better than other children of separated parents.

However, advocates of this model are convinced of its merits. «The focus is primarily on the children's needs, and the original home remains a child-friendly and cosy nest,» writes Corinne Lauber in her book *Unser Nestmodell*. She has been living according to the nest model with her ex-husband and her three now-adult children for eleven years .

Whilst it may have many benefits for the children, certain conditions need to be in place for the parents. For example, they each need additional accommodation and, ideally, separate bedrooms in the family home, which requires a certain amount of financial resources.

However, the stories of various families in Corinne Lauber's book show that parents’ second homes can vary greatly. Some fathers and mothers live in shared accommodation; others even share their second home – and their bed – back at the family home. But, as Lauber points out: «The nomadic lifestyle that is usually expected of children is, in this case, demanded of the parents.»

After a separation, every family must find the arrangement that suits them best – with all its pros and cons.

For this to work, parents must continue to get on with one another, work well together and be able to communicate effectively. «You're not just sharing custody; you're also sharing a home, the household, perhaps a car or a dog, and you'll probably continue to have a joint bank account. All of this harbours the potential for conflict,» says Lauber.

There is no single model that is best for everyone. After a separation, every family must find the arrangement that suits them best – with all its pros and cons. Experts also emphasise that parents should remain flexible and regularly review their arrangements, adjusting them where necessary.

As children get older, their needs change. «That doesn't mean they get to decide who they want to live with,» explains psychiatrist Thomas Hess. «Until they are about 12 years old, it is the parents who make the big decisions.» But it is important that children feel they are being listened to and taken seriously.