«Bonding is more than just the interplay between mother and child»

I tell

Katrin, 34, is an early childhood educator and mum to a 2-year-old boy. She believes that a good bond with a child requires support as a mother.

"Before I became a mother myself, I understood bonding to be the symbiosis between a mother and her baby. Me and my baby: that sounded wonderful. But life with a baby turns some ideas upside down. My husband and I quickly realised that we needed the courage to embrace chaos in order to be able to concentrate on the baby.

It was important for the newborn to have our full attention at the beginning and for us to have enough time together for bonding. To put it simply: drop everything and cuddle! I often suffered from a lack of sleep. If I also had a stressful day, I quickly reached my limits. I was no longer in touch with my son or myself. I was annoyed. The symbiosis was gone.

«Only when a child
can have independent experiences, it can feel securely attached.»

For a secure bond to develop, the quality of the relationship in which my child is involved is crucial. How do we treat each other as parents and what kind of atmosphere prevails in our family? I now realise that it's not just me, but also other people who are important for my child. First and foremost dad, grandparents, godparents and godfathers. Bonding is much more than just the interplay between mother and child. It involves the whole social system. If I receive support in caring for and bringing up my child, I feel better - it relieves me enormously. This in turn has a positive effect on my relationship with my child. My son is not harmed when he is taken care of by a good and trusted carer for a few hours. On the contrary, he experiences more positive relationships, diversity in his upbringing and he learns that he can manage things without me. A successful bond therefore also includes the child's own contribution. Only if a child is allowed to have independent experiences can it feel securely attached. A child needs security and autonomy. The closeness that my child needs is just as important as its freedom. This constant balancing act is extremely difficult for me. But that's what parenthood and bonding are all about. It's a process and I'm still at the very beginning."

Dieser Text stammt aus dem Doppelheft Juli/August 2020.
This text is from the July/August 2020 double issue. You can order the entire issue as a single copy here.
Dieser Artikel gehört zum
This article is part of the online dossier Attachment Read more about questions such as: How do I create a strong bond without restricting my child? What does attachment have to do with school?

Read more about bonding:

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  • What does attachment have to do with school?
    Children come to school with a need for attachment and choose attachment figures who will be important for their further development. The decisive factor is how the teachers deal with the children's needs.
  • «The bond between me and my children should not be a leash»
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  • «My children are the greatest gift for me»
    Reto, 49, a lawyer and father of three, believes that the bond with each of his children aged 11, 14 and 16 is exactly the same.
  • What does attachment have to do with school?
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  • «The mother cannot and does not have to cover all of her child's needs alone»
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  • Attachment: this is how important fathers are
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  • «Mr Daum, why is attachment so important?»
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  • When a secure attachment is missing
    For healthy development, a child needs a secure attachment to one or more adults. If this is lacking, the child withdraws and finds it difficult to make friends. This can lead to attention deficit disorders, aggression and depression. The key now is to respond sensitively to the child's fears and needs.
  • Remo Largo: «The amount of bonding time we have in Switzerland is a scandal!»
    His books are standard works for parents and his studies are among the most important in the field of child development research. At our talk in the Kulturpark, Remo Largo spoke about the social behaviour of children and young people - and got quite political in the process.