Being parents or lovers - or both?

Question from a mother:

"My husband and I haven't had a good relationship for a long time. We got together very young and were crazy about each other. Since our two boys, aged three and six, were born, our relationship has almost ceased to exist. I am fully absorbed in my role as a mother and in my love for our children. We've hardly had sex since my pregnancies, not even on my initiative. I feel badly treated by my husband. He often criticises me, mocks me and gives me monosyllabic answers, if at all. He is unkind to my family and often irritable. My husband is a wonderful father to our boys. He plays with them and romps around in the woods with them. But then he can suddenly get very angry and loud, for example when the boys have a little longer to get dressed in the morning.

A relationship needs the attention of both adults in order to survive.

Jesper Juul

My husband and I try to control ourselves in the presence of our children. We organise ourselves well so that the children don't overhear too much. I hold back my opinion because I'm afraid he'll make nasty comments. We don't actually argue, but there is a restless atmosphere. However, there are always times when everything is completely normal. We go about our daily lives and my husband says in front of the children that he is happy and that he thinks the world is fine. He is not a man of big words and finds it difficult to express his feelings and thoughts.

Marital crisis: My husband doesn't want therapy

I have suggested a joint counselling session to my husband. But he clearly doesn't want that. I'm prepared to work on our relationship because I know how important it is for our children's environment. But if my husband doesn't want that, I wonder whether it wouldn't be better to separate while the children are still so young. I want to give our children a safe environment as they grow up, ideally with a father and mother.

I see it as a defeat and am afraid of damaging the children emotionally if they have to grow up with separated parents. The idea of being separated makes me incredibly sad. I want so much for us to exist as a family, to be able to participate in our children's lives together as parents, and I can't imagine experiencing all that with another partner. I also don't want to think about what it would be like if our children had a «stepmother».

Answer from Jesper Juul:

Experts have been writing for many years about the fact that parents in modern families are torn between caring for their children and trying to maintain an intimate relationship with each other. Your example illustrates this very well. One thing is clear: In family life, all members influence each other - both in good times and bad. The fact that your relationship with your husband is in crisis right now, after two children, is normal. You are two adults with different needs, and the children are usually at the centre of family life. This is bad for everyone involved. Adult life is dangerously minimised in this way and reduced to certain roles - it's unhealthy for the whole family.

More and more couples are finding it difficult or impossible to make the transition from being in love to being in love.

Jesper Juul

You are absolutely right that it is not good for the children to grow up in a home where the love between the adults has faded and is visibly disappearing. It doesn't «hurt» the children directly, but it robs them of the opportunity to gain important experiences that they will need in their own adult lives. More and more couples are divorcing two to four years after the birth of their first child. The transition from being in love to being in love is difficult or impossible for them. I recommend that you ask yourself whether you feel longing for your husband. Not just in terms of sexual desire, but as a «heartfelt desire». If this longing is there, there is hope and you could tell your husband in your own words something like: «I'm unhappy with you, but I can't figure out why or what I can do differently. That's why I want professional help. I can only get this if you are with me. If you don't want that, we'll have to part ways.»

Your relationship is the «first» baby

Or find an experienced family therapist who focuses on the adult relationship. Remember that your relationship was effectively your first «baby» together and that this baby desperately needs the attention of both parents in order to survive and develop. Your thoughts and concerns about the welfare of your children after a separation or divorce are understandable and realistic. However, even if you are unable to live with your husband, your sons' well-being depends on both of your willingness and ability to co-operate and communicate with each other. Your children will certainly be able to live with the emotional distance between their parents for years.

There are people who cannot live together even though they love each other deeply.

Jesper Juul, family therapist

On the other hand, destructive communication between you and your husband would affect your children's lives for years. There are people who cannot live together even though they love each other deeply. And there are conditions in which the will to be intimate and to fight for the development of both has been lost. In both cases, there is no direct «culprit». Both parties are usually equally, i.e. 50:50, responsible for their current lives - including the fact that children may suffer as a result of certain behaviour on the part of these adults.

About Jesper Juul

Jesper Juul is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Since 2012, Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid and is in a wheelchair. Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.

Jesper Juul writes regularly and exclusively in Switzerland for the parenting magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Order your subscription now!