Being faithful despite Tinder?
It takes less than a minute to install the Tinder app on your smartphone, and voilà: just two or three clicks later, you are presented with people in your own age group and neighbourhood who are willing to flirt. What looks like a dodgy 0900 number is the new trend in flirting. The teenagers and adults who present themselves here with their picture and age are real - at least to a large extent.
You click through the profile pictures like in a catalogue: The ones you like get a heart, the others are wiped away. Tinder has more than 20,000 users in Switzerland. Tinder is just one of many flirting apps that work on a similar principle (see box below). These programmes are particularly popular with young people: no complex profiles, no fixed costs, no obligations. However, what people are looking for is correspondingly open.
A little self-experiment shows: I make decisions almost reflexively. Men topless? Nope. In a suit? Nope. When free climbing? Nope. With a beer bottle? Nope. Too old. Too young ... Nope. Nope. It's quickly addictive. I give out hearts sparingly. According to a dating site comparison portal, this is typical female behaviour. Men give hearts more generously. And at some point I realise: If I had taken a similarly strict approach in my analogue life, I would never have met my partner. And then the first success message on the screen: «It's a match! You and Stephan are into each other!» In most cases, nothing more happens - even though you now have the opportunity to write to each other, get to know each other or go on a date. «Many people just look to see if someone finds them attractive. It's a good ego boost,» said Tinder founder Sean Rad in a recent interview with the Süddeutsche Zeitung newspaper.
Flirting online is more convenient and easier to control than in a non-virtual setting, says psychology professor Guy Bodenmann from the University of Zurich. «You can flirt when you feel like it, sitting comfortably on the sofa, with the people you want to flirt with. Often with several at the same time. What's more, you can break off contact at any time if you no longer feel like it.»
Of course, the accusation that this serves a throwaway mentality is obvious. «People become a commodity, take on a bargain character,» said couples therapist Rüdiger Wacker recently in «Südostschweiz». In the US state of Rhode Island, the health department is even complaining that sexually transmitted diseases are spreading rapidly again due to dating apps.
Tinder founder Rat, on the other hand, sees only positives: «People no longer stay in a relationship to have a relationship. If I'm in a bad relationship, I don't have to stay because I can be sure of finding someone else. People are happier because of it.»
Being faithful and yet cheating?
But what about those who are in a happy relationship? Are they tempted by all the possible alternatives? Guy Bodenmann reports that 26 per cent of divorces - i.e. more than a quarter - come from relationships in which partnership satisfaction was high. The reason for the divorce: Alternative partners. «I think the internet plays an important role here. It makes it easier and quicker to have alternatives and access them,» says Bodenmann. Tinder confirms this: A full 42 per cent of those who post their profile online for potential flirts are taken. And some online flirt exchanges even specialise in flings and affairs.
So there are many people who want to be unfaithful with the help of the Internet. But what does infidelity actually mean? Is the classic definition of «sex outside of a partnership» still up to date? What about sexual chats? Or internet acquaintances with whom you become emotionally close? What about exes and childhood sweethearts with whom partners naturally keep in touch on social networks? «The idea that being emotionally close to a stranger or sharing sexual fantasies could be considered infidelity is new,» says Bodenmann. By emotional infidelity, he means that worries and joys are no longer primarily shared with the partner, but with another person. «If you violate this boundary, you sacrifice one of the most important qualities of an intimate partnership,» says Bodenmann.
And the number of people who enter this grey area is high: of those who describe themselves as faithful, 60 to 80 per cent chat emotionally or sexually with strangers, depending on the study. What's more, many partners spend a lot of time socialising online instead of spending time with their loved ones. Or they prefer to surf porn sites instead of seeking sexual intimacy. Is that also infidelity? Or is that the freedom a couple should have?
There is no generally valid answer to these questions. The definition of fidelity has become more individualised. And that makes it more complicated not only for adults, but especially for those who are gaining their first experience of love: young people.
38 per cent of young people have already met strangers online
The flirting behaviour of young people on the internet has not yet been studied in detail in Switzerland. However, if you take a look at the latest JAMES study on young people's media use, it becomes clear that they also use the internet to get to know other people and get closer. A full 38 per cent of 12 to 19-year-olds have already met people they have got to know on the Internet. Otherwise, the study focuses on risk behaviour in the area of online flirting: 12% of boys and 5% of girls state that they have already sent provocative pictures of themselves virtually. 25 per cent of girls and 11 per cent of boys have already been victims of cybergrooming. In other words, they have been approached by strangers on the internet in an unwanted manner and with sexual intentions.
«The internet certainly has a major influence on flirting behaviour,» says psychologist Annette Bischof-Campbell from the Lilli association, which advises young people online on matters of love and sexuality. «But love and fidelity are valued as much as ever,» she says. Precisely because many young people have had the experience that parents and grandparents were unable to maintain their relationship, many young people would like things to be different in their long-term relationship. But they also know that the first love is not the last. «Of course, they therefore change partners more easily at first - but many communicate this and most of them think it's okay,» says Bischof-Campbell.
First and foremost, parents want their teenagers to be hurt as little as possible during their first love and flirting games online. How can they help them do this? Firstly, parents should of course talk to their children about the medium of the internet and the dangers and opportunities that flirting online can bring (see box below with the golden rules). This is classic media education.
However, when it comes to love and relationships, values education also plays a major role. Parents who reflect on the rules that should apply in their relationship and then set an example can help here. Of course, it also helps to talk to your teenager about what they actually want from their internet flirtation or first love. Many guidebooks on the subject of puberty write: Whatever feels good for both parties is allowed. But does your teenager already know what feels good for them? Where does fidelity begin for him? And does his partner see it the same way?
Golden rules for flirting online
by media educator Eveline Hipeli
When flirting online, young people should make sure that ...
... they don't reveal too much about themselves, especially not their (surname) name, place of residence, school and certainly not their mobile phone number. This applies especially to previously unknown flirting partners.
... use respectful language here too. Because misunderstandings can easily arise in writing.
... they focus on «safer sexting». Naked pictures can be distributed digitally very quickly and uncontrollably. And flirting is more exciting if you use an attractive picture that doesn't reveal too much. However, if nude photos are to be sent, it must not be possible to draw any conclusions about the person: choose a neutral background, do not show a face or any specific body features.
... a completely different person may be hiding behind the profile of the flirting partner.
... they are very careful when arranging meetings. You should never go to a meeting alone or without telling someone. First meetings should take place in public places. The younger the child is, the more parents should advise against meeting strangers altogether.
Frequently used flirting apps
The basic version of the apps is free of charge. New ones are constantly being added. The ones mentioned (except Spontacts) are labelled with the PEGI 18 symbol. The users decide how sexual it gets.
Be careful if your children want to use C-Date, Ashley Madison or Joyclub: These are all about eroticism and flings. It's usually free for women, but often very expensive for men.
