Bang, you're dead now!
Verena Frei has not yet entered the hallway when the foam ammunition is already flying around her ears. Son Luca, 9 years old, is in his element. With his Nerf, a toy gun that fires projectiles using air pressure, he defends his home against criminals. He doesn't care that his mum doesn't feel particularly comfortable in this role. At least until she puts his favourite toy away for the rest of the day.
«Luca's fascination with weapons is currently a big topic of contention in our family,» says Verena Frei, 39, from Winterthur. Even though she describes herself and her husband as pacifists, the parents want to take their son's fundamental interest in weapons, war and power games seriously. «That's why he got a Nerf and that's why he can hang on grandad's lips with fascination when he talks about the army,» says Verena Frei.
However, the parents are not entirely at ease with their son's enthusiasm for weapons. Luca would also like to watch war films and wants to play shooting games on the computer. «But we think he's still too young for that. And we don't want to encourage his fascination with weapons,» says Verena Frei. Because when she sees her son running around the house with his toy gun, horrific images of shooting sprees keep flashing before her inner eye. In the leading role: Luca.
Toy weapons do not automatically make you aggressive
At least on this point, however, the experts give the all-clear: numerous scientific studies - including a study by the Institute for Peace Education in Tübingen - have looked into the question of whether playing war makes people aggressive. The conclusion: there is no evidence of a direct correlation between playing with toy weapons and violent behaviour patterns.
A child does not learn violence and aggression through role play, but through real-life experiences of violence. «If every child playing with weapons developed into a gunman, such offences would happen every five minutes,» says Dietmar Heubrock, a psychologist from the Institute for Legal Psychology at the University of Bremen.
Nevertheless, most parents still feel uneasy when they see their children shooting the cat, a tree or even their own siblings - even if it is only with a stick that has been turned into a weapon. They ask themselves: Is this really necessary? Or are there perhaps ways to keep weapons out of the family?
A child does not learn aggression through role play, but through real-life experience of violence.
Here, too, the experts' answers are very clear: the vast majority of boys between the ages of around four and ten will be interested in weapons in some way and at some time - because weapons are part of reality. «I don't know of any culture in which there are no weapons. Children all over the world see people arming themselves with guns, spears, arrows or swords,» says Allan Guggenbühl, psychologist and director of the Institute for Conflict Management in Zurich.
The evil wolf in the fairy tale Little Red Riding Hood is shot by the hunter. Policemen in every children's book carry a gun. A knight without a sword is just as unthinkable as a pirate without a sabre or an «Asterix» comic without a mass battle. And when the news is on the car radio, children's ears also hear that there has been a shooting somewhere or a bomb has exploded.
Weapons are for boys
«Because weapons are present in our society, the question is not whether or not children should use weapons in their play, because they do. The only question is how they should do it,» says Tim Rohrmann, psychologist and professor of childhood education at the University of Applied Sciences and Arts in Hildesheim.
Parents with male offspring in particular need to ask themselves this question. Because here, too, the experts agree: boys are particularly interested in weapons. «This is also because boys deal with their conflicts openly and see it as a means of exercising power and impressing others. They associate it with masculinity,» says psychologist Allan Guggenbühl. Girls' weapons, on the other hand, are words. Symbols of aggression such as swords or a toy gun are therefore of little interest to them. In addition, it is still predominantly men who work in professions such as the police, military or security services, where weapons are part of the job. «Boys then slip into these roles in their games,» says childhood educationalist Tim Rohrmann.
In his opinion, parents should always realise that their children do not have the same associations with weapons as they do. «For children, weapons are part of a wild and adventurous game. They feel strong with their weapons and save the world. And they grapple with concepts such as good and evil,» says Tim Rohrmann.
Psychologist Dietmar Heubrock also pleads for parents to be more relaxed when it comes to the topic of weapons. «There is simply a phase in boys' lives when power games are important for the development of their self-confidence and personality. And that includes weapons. If you strictly prohibit them, they only become more attractive.»
Toast becomes a weapon
Allan Guggenbühl has experienced this time and again in his professional practice. «Most parents want to raise children without toy weapons. However, many find that their sons are so fascinated by weapons that they make them themselves if necessary. One mother told me that her boy turned toast into guns.»
If children are already arming themselves, then the psychologist considers such fantasy weapons to be a good choice. «With purchased toy weapons, on the other hand, it must be clear that they are a symbolic representation. They must never look real,» says Allan Guggenbühl.
This is also legally relevant in this country. This is because imitation, alarm and soft-air weapons, which can be mistaken for real firearms, have been treated the same as real weapons in the revised Swiss Weapons Act since 2008. The reason: they were repeatedly used as threats in criminal offences, creating dangerous situations.
Toy weapons must not look confusingly similar to real weapons.
If the child still dreams of the deceptively real dummy gun, perhaps this story from the USA will help to deter them: an armed teenager was shot dead by a police officer. The officer realised too late that he was only carrying a deceptively real toy gun.
Apart from the advice to avoid weapons that look too real, the experts do not have a patent remedy for a healthy approach to the topic of weapons in the family, kindergarten or primary school. «There are simply too many different reasons why weapons are important for children. Some want to make themselves stronger, others just want to be part of the group, while others are interested in the technology behind it,» says childhood psychologist Tim Rohrmann.
Understanding the reasons for the fascination
The central task of parents is to always remain in dialogue with the child in order to find out why they are interested in weapons. If the child cannot put their fascination into words, parents can play along and find out the reasons themselves, recommends Tim Rohrmann.
If, on the other hand, a child blocks such an interest, parents should listen carefully. According to Tim Rohrmann, the same applies if weapons are still of interest to the child even if their friends have long since moved on to other interests or if weapons become their only hobby. If parents observe that their child is using weapons to fulfil strong power fantasies and takes pleasure in causing fear in others, or even injuring children or animals with the weapons, they must seek a conversation with the child - and get outside help if necessary.
Virtual killing
Staying in close dialogue with your offspring is particularly important for older children who are replacing wooden swords with virtual weapons in computer games. «Parents can completely reject such shooting games, but children are still often fascinated by them,» says Allan Guggenbühl.
Instead of leaving these children alone in the virtual world of weapons, parents should sit down at the computer with them. That way, they can find out what motivates their children to play. «In most cases, it's all about competition and wanting to win,» says psychologist Dietmar Heubrock.
If parents feel that a shooting game is too realistic, too brutal or too bloodthirsty, they can better justify a ban after playing the game. «Especially as you realise how the child reacts to the content when playing together and when something becomes too much for them,» says psychologist Tim Rohrmann.
Verena Frei recently bought a pile of books with Luca. Her son wanted to know how weapon technology has changed since the world wars and where weapons are manufactured today. Now the two of them are leafing through the new reading material together. And they discuss a lot about why there are still so many wars in the world and why conflicts are not always resolved without violence. «It's nice to see that Luca is also interested in this side of the weapons issue,» says his mum.
Expert tips on handling weapons
- Not a complete ban: This makes weapons even more interesting. If other children are allowed to play with guns and swords, your own child can quickly feel ostracised.
- Talk about the differences between real weapons and toy weapons, especially about the situations in which real weapons are used and why.
- Establish clear rules for playing with weapons: Weapons are for playing with, not for resolving real conflicts with. It is important that children learn to find constructive solutions to a dispute - this is where parents are needed as role models. It should also be clear that no one should be hurt during play and that it should stop immediately if a child gets too much. In many crèches and kindergartens, the «stop» rule applies to such situations. When the signal word is called out, it means stop.
- Boundaries between game and reality: The more realistic toy weapons look and the more realistic a computer game is depicted (especially if you play it from a first-person perspective), the more difficult it becomes to distinguish between the virtual and real world. While it takes a lot of childlike imagination to turn a stick into a weapon, this is not the case with a deceptively real copy of a weapon. If a child wants to have such a weapon, parents should always try to find out why it should be exactly that.
Read more on the topic:
- Mr Bauer, why do children react aggressively?
Neuroscientist Joachim Bauer explains when children behave aggressively, what role the media plays and why men commit more acts of violence than women.
- Brutal games do something to the child's soul
When children and teenagers play first-person shooters, parents are usually worried. Our columnist Thomas Feibel explains why these worries are often unfounded, what the so-called fear factor is all about and why caution is still advised.
- Allowing aggression and negative feelings
In many life situations, parents do everything they can to ensure that their children grow up in a harmonious home. But it is not appropriate to avoid conflicts in front of children, to suppress «negative» feelings and to pretend that the world is a perfect one, says Jesper Juul.