Authority: Who decides which way to go?
Tyrant children, helicopter parents, parent burnout - if you follow the media discussion, you can hardly avoid the impression: Parenting has never been more difficult than it is today. Parents are under pressure, it is said, want to do everything perfectly, are confused by the many different opinions.
Society's criticisms of parents are just as numerous as the sheer endless possibilities of parenting methods and lifestyles. One of the most common is that today's mums and dads have a problem with setting boundaries for their children and that, as a result, their offspring undermine parental authority and that of their teachers.
What is it all about? And: What does it depend on whether parenting is successful, whether parents are strong and confident? We want to explore these questions in our dossier.
When a good relationship with the child is paramount
The concept of authority has its origins in politics: The ancient Romans used «auctoritas» to refer to the leadership and recommendation power of the Senate, the Council of the Wise. Authority is therefore associated with leadership tasks. «However, it is not a personality trait, but a relational achievement because it requires recognition from others,» says Roland Reichenbach, Professor of General Education at the University of Zurich. «You don't have authority. It is granted to you - or not.» According to Reichenbach, authority also requires listening to those who are being led: This connection is made clear by the verb «to obey», which is derived from «to listen». «It's not for nothing that children should listen to their parents.»
The criticism that this is lacking is no coincidence. Child and adolescent psychotherapist Allan Guggenbühl says: «I keep seeing families in which the children have taken over at least part of the reins. Many parents are paralysed when the child refuses to comply.»
«Many parents struggle to put up with children's frustration and enforce rules.»
Martina Schmid, counsellor at Elternnotruf.
Martina Schmid, a counsellor at Elternnotruf, also identifies uncertainty when dealing with children's resistance: «Parents often find it difficult to stand up for themselves and what is important to them.» Why? «They struggle to put up with children's frustration. They want a good relationship with their child and believe that this means not getting into a serious conflict with them in the first place.» Psychologist Guggenbühl shares this impression: «Many parents are afraid of jeopardising their relationship with their child by setting clear rules. Instead, they try to fulfil as many needs as possible.»
Klaus Hurrelmann, sociologist and youth researcher, interprets this development as a late consequence of the upheaval of 1968: «The young generation accused parents and educators at the time of suppressing children's needs from an early age, thereby blocking their autonomy and preparing them for an 'authoritarian character'. The suspicion was that the totalitarian Nazi regime in Germany had been made possible precisely by such educational patterns.»
This was followed by the era of «anti-authoritarian education"."However,» says Hurrelmann, «this was not content with taking the needs of children seriously, but placed them at the centre of the relationship between young and old. The children were allowed and expected to decide everything themselves. Education thus gradually lost all direction.»
Message to the child: «You can't sack us»
Today, hopefully no one wants to go back to the repressive parenting patterns summarised by the collective term «black pedagogy». But even the anti-authoritarian approach is not a viable path for most parents, as its promises have vanished into thin air: according to studies, this parenting style favours low self-esteem, a tendency to overstep boundaries and a low frustration tolerance.
«As parents today, we mainly know how to stop doing things,» says Haim Omer, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Tel Aviv University. «But we're not quite sure how it could work instead. It is this vacuum that I am trying to fill with my work: We may have left traditional authority behind, but it's obviously not an alternative to raise children without authority altogether.»
What is the new authority?
In response, Omer, a family coach and father of five, has developed the concept of «new authority», which is based on the principle of non-violent resistance. «One model that undisputedly makes a major contribution to successful parenting and good child development is the secure attachment model,» says Omer. The guiding principle is: I am always there for you. «For children to develop well, they need a place of refuge, a safe parental harbour,» says Omer.
«It should be designed in such a way that it offers boats protection, but also allows them to go out and gain experience. As well as acting as a safe harbour, parents also act as an anchor, providing rules and structures and keeping the ship on course in the event of danger.»
The harbour symbolises the open arms of the parents and their unconditional presence. «Presence» is a key word in Omer's approach. It means that parents convey to the child with their thoughts and actions: «We are here and we will stay here. We are your mum and dad. You can't push us away and you can't dismiss us.»
How does parental presence manifest itself?
Omer distinguishes between inner and outer presence. The former refers to the awareness that we as mum or dad have an important place in the child's life: It needs us. Another dimension of inner presence lies in the conviction that we can trust the child to deal with challenges and that they will be able to cope with our messages. «Even if my child thinks that what I have to say is uninteresting,» says Omer.
Outwardly - towards the child - parental presence manifests itself in the following principles:
- «Wir sind da»: Mütter und Väter sind körperlich und emotional anwesend. Sie stehen zur Verfügung, sind mit all ihren Sinnen präsent und zeigen, dass sie ihr Kind lieben.
- «Wir bleiben da»: Eltern sind bereit, dazubleiben, wie lange eine Durststrecke auch dauern mag. Es ist ihre Aufgabe, das Kind mit langem Atem zu unterstützen oder ihm bei Bedarf eindeutige Grenzen aufzuzeigen.
- «Wir sorgen für Klarheit»: Elterliche Präsenz äussert sich auch in bestimmten Regeln, Abläufen und Ritualen, die festgelegt und eingehalten werden.
- «Wir übernehmen die Verantwortung für die Gestaltung der Beziehung zu dir»: Eltern sollen dem Kind in Taten und Worten vermitteln: «Wir passen auf dich auf und sind wachsam, wo es notwendig ist. Wir werden dich als Person immer schätzen. Aber gegen Verhaltensweisen, die uns aggressiv oder gefährlich erscheinen, werden wir Widerstand leisten, das ist unsere Pflicht. Wir werden dich nicht aufgeben.»
How does this attitude work?
Presence does not develop overnight, says Omer. And above all, it can be learnt. «However, we don't develop it in a quiet room, but with the help of a support group that we gradually build up.» This means that parents should get relatives, friends or neighbours, as well as teachers, on board if problems arise.
It is often shame that prevents them from doing so: They would rather report their teenage daughter sick again than ask the teacher for help when the child refuses to go to school. "Parents need to be encouraged to make their helplessness public to a certain extent," says family therapist and former parent helpline counsellor Britta Went. «Breaking the secrecy means connecting with others and drawing strength from it.»
Perseverance instead of compulsion?
According to Omer, parental strength, sovereignty and determination also require turning away from the desire to have the children under control: «We can only control ourselves and our actions as parents.» Renouncing all violence, developing self-control and endeavouring to de-escalate are therefore the first steps on the path to the «new authority».
«De-escalation,» explains Omer, «means controlling yourself and holding back, not always giving in to your first impulses and still being there firmly.» He advises parents to stick to their messages rather than trying to get the child to bend to their will.
In concrete terms, this means not addressing a conflict when emotions are running high, but bringing the issue back to the table at a calmer moment. It is important to make it clear to the child: «I don't agree with this and I will come back to the matter.»
Not following provocations, not trying to convince the child with threats or sermons, takes strength, says family therapist Went. Many parents also fear that they will lose face by refraining from exercising power: «However, this scepticism gives way to the experience that it means strength. In contrast, the loss of self-control is perceived as weakness by both parents and children.»
When parents want to be colleagues
Today, children and young people no longer follow their mothers and fathers simply because they are their parents: More than ever, successful leadership is the product of relationship work. This development is a natural consequence of decades of social endeavours to emancipate ourselves from role-based thinking and a rigid social code, says education professor Reichenbach: «Modern society is experiencing a crisis of authority. It is only logical that this also affects education.»
Especially as emancipation has an important function in education and all pedagogical authority is even designed to dissolve itself one day: «Otherwise the child will not be able to stand on its own two feet.»
According to Allan Guggenbühl, the fact that children today sometimes do not recognise their mothers and fathers as authorities also has to do with the fact that many parents do not want to be authorities. «They have the ideal of meeting their children on a friendly basis . This is certainly symptomatic of a society in which staying young is the top priority. Today, the young have to live with old people who are becoming more and more like them. It is possible that children and young people today are behaving in a more extreme way so that it is even possible to distance themselves from their parents.»
«Young people need conflict in order to develop.»
Allan Guggenbühl, youth psychotherapist.
Guggenbühl takes a critical view of the accusation that young people are doing things more colourfully today than in the past. «They've always done stupid things,» he says. "The youth phase is characterised by a spirit of optimism, a love of experimentation and a willingness to take risks.
In order to live these qualities, young people need adults who support them, but who also want to raise objections and preserve traditions. Such disputes help them to find their way into adult life and develop their own profile." However, serious debates with adults, who are increasingly harmonising their living environment with that of young people, hardly ever take place any more.
In the past, those who were constantly defiant hit rock bottom more quickly," says Guggenbühl. «Today, it takes an incredibly long time for young people to grow up.» Because we don't take them seriously, the psychologist is convinced: «We don't involve the younger generation in social responsibility, but keep them in the waiting room with education and training. They first have to prove themselves in countless tests before they are given responsibility.»
How do children grow up?
However, Guggenbühl says that being fit for life doesn't just depend on good grades: «You become an adult when you realise that your actions have consequences and that nothing comes from nothing.» The family therapist therefore advises parents to let children help out from an early age: «They need tasks. If you don't ask your children to do anything, don't be surprised if they don't listen to you when they're 14.»
Parents would do well to refuse their child the basic service, especially in the case of young people who are unruly. «No more laundry, no more cooking - until something is done in return. Unfortunately, most parents don't want to go through with it.»
«Parents who don't want to make themselves unpopular with their offspring,» warns family counsellor Martina Schmid from Elternnotruf, «not only make themselves too dependent on the child, they also run the risk of burdening them with responsibility for their own well-being.»
This is the case, for example, when a toddler protests because their mum wants to go out in the evening and the latter contritely submits to the child's will. «As parents, we should model self-care for children: I do something to make sure I'm okay,» advises Schmid. The mother in question could tell the child: «I'm going out with a friend now because it's good for me. Dad is here and will look after you.»
«Children have to learn how to deal with strong emotions.»
Martina Schmid, counsellor at Elternnotruf.
The aim is to encourage the child to endure unpleasant things and to face them with confidence. «When things get difficult,» says Schmid, «parents often conclude that they are doing something wrong. But strong emotions are part of development and children have to learn how to deal with them. However, this requires us as parents to be prepared to put up with their frustration and support them.»
New authority in 5 steps
How does educational strength work? Based on this question, the Israeli psychologist and family coach Haim Omer has developed the educational principle of the new authority. It is based on five pillars:
- Wertschätzende Begegnung: Das Positive am Verhältnis zum Kind suchen. Ausbauen und betonen, was gut läuft.
- Präsenz: Nicht wegschauen bei Problemen, sondern dem Kind klarmachen: «Ich bin da und bleibe da. Du kannst mich nicht entlassen, egal, was du tust.» Widerstand leisten können die Eltern etwa mit einem Sitzstreik. Dazu begeben sie sich ins Zimmer des Kindes, setzen sich auf den Boden und benennen kurz und klar, was sie nicht mehr tolerieren wollen: «Wir sitzen hier, weil wir dein Schulschwänzen nicht akzeptieren. Es ist unsere Pflicht, darauf zu reagieren. Wir warten auf deine Vorschläge, wie das Problem zu lösen ist.» Bringt das Kind Vorschläge, bedanken sich die Eltern dafür und teilen ihm mit, dass sie darüber beraten werden. Kommen keine Vorschläge, beenden sie den Sitzstreik nach einer halben Stunde und verabschieden sich folgender massen: «Wir haben noch keinen Vorschlag gehört. Wir bleiben dran und kommen auf unser Anliegen zurück.»
- Wachsame Sorge: Für inakzeptables Verhalten neue, akzeptable Vorschläge vom Kind einfordern und gegebenen falls mit ihm aushandeln.
- Nähe statt Distanz: Bei Verstössen gegen Vereinbarungen Gesten der Versöhnung wagen, dabei aber an den eigenen Forderungen festhalten.
- Raus aus der Einsamkeit: Bündnisse schmieden mit Nachbarinnen, Freunden, Verwandten und Lehrpersonen, um sich gegenseitig zu stärken.
About the author:
Literature tips:
- Allan Guggenbühl: Für mein Kind nur das Beste. Wie wir unseren Kindern die Kindheit rauben. Orell Füssli Verlag 2018, ca. 27 Fr.
- Haim Omer, Philip Streit: Neue Autorität: Das Geheimnis starker Eltern. Vandenhoeck & Ruprecht, 2016, ca. 27 Fr.
- Roland Reichenbach: Pädagogische Autorität. Macht und Vertrauen in der Erziehung. Kohlhammer 2011, ca. 37 Fr.
Parental emergency call:
24-hour help and counselling from specialists for parents, families and caregivers 0848 35 45 55, www.elternnotruf.ch
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- Frau Aklin, warum fehlt es heute vielen Kindern an Respekt? Die Schulleiterin der Zürcher Stiftung OPA bringt Jugendliche wieder auf Kurs, die die Schule oder die Lehrstelle abgebrochen haben ...