Authority: How strictly do we educate?

«I set clear boundaries for my child!»

Nadine Berner, 30, an office worker from Stäfa ZH, had a strict upbringing. She handles authority in the same way with her son Lionel, 6.

Nadine Berner explains:

"I was a single parent for the first two years of my son's life. I introduced clear structures early on - fixed bedtimes and rest periods, for example - simply because I had to in order to keep my strength up. But also because I was convinced that order gives children a sense of security.

My parents brought me up lovingly but strictly, and I do the same with my son. It's a togetherness, and for it to work, everyone has to do their bit and stick to the rules.

For the child, it starts on a small scale, with little tasks such as setting the table or hanging up the washing. However, traditional values such as table manners, saying please or thank you are also important to me - why shouldn't it be modern to treat each other with respect? Above all, however, I act out of love and value such things because I believe that they will make life easier for my child.

«It's amazing how many parents can't bring themselves to show their children boundaries.»

Nadine Berner, mother of 6-year-old Lionel.

My current partner is co-parenting my son. We have the same ideas in this respect, which is fortunate. But we' re almost exotic in that respect. It's amazing how many parents can't bring themselves to show their children boundaries. Instead, they threaten them with countless consequences that never materialise. I don't think much of that.

When I give Lionel something to do, such as tidying his room, I give him a time horizon as a guide: He listens to a story; it should be done by the time he's finished. We usually eat afterwards.

If there are delays because he gets in the way, we start without him. Then it's cold cooking. My son is a strong character, it's not that I never have to deal with resistance. I usually manage to convey to him that if he wants something from me, I can also ask him to do something: if you tidy your room, we'll have space again, whether it's for cuddling or playing together.

Our leisure activities as a family are also a give and take. For my son, the zoo is the highlight, for us it's a meal out. Both have to be possible. Of course, Lionel doesn't have to spend hours at the table. But it's important to me to be able to take him to a restaurant for a simple dinner without him running around or causing constant noise. And it fills me with joy and pride to see how well he does it."

«Everyone has equal rights in our family»

Tanja Suppiger, 40, a highly sensitive counsellor from Ermensee LU, wants to accompany her children Nael, 6, Nova, 5, and Enie, 3, instead of shaping them.

Tanja Suppiger explains:

"When living with our three children, the most important thing for me is to treat them as equals. For my husband and I, this means not seeing them as incomplete adults who need to be moulded, but as equal human beings. It hurts me when adults ignore children without seeing them in their entirety. For a long time, I didn't want to have children - for fear of falling into exactly this pattern.

That's how I know it from home: When I talked back or was angry as a child, I was sent to my room to calm down. Of course, there are times when I feel like doing this, but the familiar voice in my head comes up: Now you have to take action!

This imprint is deep-seated. Instead, I try to take a moment to reflect and ask myself why the child's anger is now challenging me and spilling over onto me. This usually happens when I have taken on too much myself. I then try to be more lenient with myself.

I try to express my feelings to the child and not devalue them: " You are feeling anger now, and sometimes it is so strong that it makes your stomach tighten. Anger is allowed, and it will pass. How are children supposed to learn to regulate their feelings if we leave them alone with them or even punish them for them?

Brain research shows that punishment, i.e. psychological violence, activates the same areas of the brain as physical violence. As a child and teenager, I experienced this pain first-hand. I had to deal with adults who didn't want to see or understand me, who didn't listen to me but only made announcements. As a young woman, the powerlessness that this triggered in me caused me a lot of work. I want to spare my children that.

«I have nothing to do with classical authority.»

Tanja Suppiger, mum to Nael, 6, Nova, 5, and Enie, 3.

In our family, everyone has equal rights, everyone has a say. The fact that I have nothing to do with traditional authority doesn't mean that I don't sometimes give instructions. But I am flexible when it comes to implementing them.

When our six-year-old son is supposed to put his laundry away on his own and says I have to help him, I don't immediately assume that it's a refusal to do it myself, but see it for what it is: a simple request for a little help. Who doesn't need it from time to time?"

More about authority:

• Frau Aklin, warum fehlt es heute vielen Kindern an Respekt?  Die Schulleiterin bring Jugendliche wieder auf Kurs, die die Schule oder die Lehrstelle abgebrochen haben. Sie sagt, viele Eltern seien heutzutage überfordert ...
• Prof. Reichenbach, wie gewinnen Lehrpersonen an Autorität?  Der Pädagogikprofessor spricht über seine Forschungsergebnisse und seine persönliche Einstellung zu Autorität ...