As parents, you should also be best friends with your children. Right?

Educational myth 12:

That's what the expert says:

«My son Damian is my best friend.» This was Sylvie Meis' (formerly van der Vaart) answer in the German newspaper BILD when asked what gave her strength during the difficult time following the separation from her husband, professional footballer Rafael van der Vaart. Sylvie Meis has spoken from the hearts of many: partners come and go, but the child remains. That's why many parents favour a partnership-based upbringing.

Isn't this one of the best achievements of our modern society? An expression of the fact that our children are better off than ever and that they are no longer oppressed? In fact, many of them hardly lack anything: children have rights and are considered self-determined personalities. They are loved and cared for day and night by prudent fathers and mothers. Children have a say, be it in the family, at school or in their leisure time.

These are indeed aspects of positive educational and social development. None of us want to go back to so-called «black pedagogy». For example, to Struwwelpeter, which our parents threatened us with, or to the carpet beater as a monument to parental authority. However, the trend towards a partnership-based parenting style is problematic for at least two reasons:

• Weil eine solche Erziehung die Tendenz hat, die Kindheit abzuschaffen. Väter und Mütter, welche den Nachwuchs als «Freunde» betrachten, formen ihn bereits im Babyalter immer mehr zu partnerschaftlichen Erwachsenen. Schon kleine Mädchen und Knaben halten sich heute in Nobelrestaurants ganz selbstverständlich auf, gehen mit zur Eltern-Tanzstunde oder fliegen schon mal als Fünfjährige alleine nach New York. Eltern sind stolz auf ihre frühreifen, kleinen Könige.
• Weil damit eine massive Überforderung der Kinder einhergeht. Sie werden in eine Rolle gedrängt, die sie gar nicht erfüllen können. Denn Kinder werden nicht als fertig entwickelte Wesen – oder gar als kleine Persönlichkeiten – geboren. Deshalb meint «Er-Ziehung» auch eine von Erziehungsnormen geleitete Einübung in all die Kompetenzen, welche unsere Kultur bei mündigen Bürgern voraussetzt.

The partnership-based parenting model is therefore the most unsuitable method of all. Parents who allow their child autonomy and unlimited self-realisation from birth, who let them decide for themselves what is good for them from the age of three and who even discuss adult issues (or partner problems) with them, identify too strongly with them. Parenting requires distance and conscious demarcation. This has nothing to do with authoritarian parenting, but with creating the necessary foundation that the child needs for healthy psychological development.

Many parents are under the misconception that their child will develop well on its own if it is doing well materially and is being brought up as an equal partner. Unfortunately, this idea is wrong. Parents need to set themselves apart from their child and see themselves as educators. Only in this way can they show them how to acquire emotional, character, social, intellectual and practical life skills. This requires rules and structures that are demanded of the children and repeatedly practised with them. This also includes everyday routines - such as learning how to get dressed on their own, clearing the table, observing a bedtime ritual and packing their school bag. The same applies to learning to sit still, to listen, to wait for something or to learn to work hard for something. The psychological prerequisites for successful learning at school, i.e. acquiring an appropriate learning attitude, must be practised at home and not at nursery, kindergarten or even at school.

Of course, most parents want the best for their child. But they often hardly realise that with their partnership-based parenting style, they are treating their child like a little king around whom the whole world revolves. Logically, by the time such children start kindergarten, it is taken for granted that they can control not only the family, but also the whole world. It is hardly surprising that they rebel against everything, are constantly in a bad mood and don't like anything. In such a situation, even attempts by parents to explain and negotiate are of little use. The psyche of such children is in a constant state of overload.

Early partnership parenting also overtaxes the parents: having to expend more and more energy and literally tearing themselves apart to see the child satisfied is beyond their parental capacity. This is why such parents often tend to perceive their offspring's behaviour as sick and look for corresponding symptoms. This is explained, among other things, by the striking accumulation of disorders such as ADHD, dyscalculia or dyslexia. A visit to an expert then serves as a helpful confirmation of the diagnosis that has already been made. And if this expert does not agree with the parents' opinion, she is simply replaced - until someone is found who shares the parents' ideas.

For children brought up in partnership, this vicious circle continues at school. If the teacher complains about the child's inappropriate or cheeky behaviour, the parents quickly perceive this teacher as reactionary and react with a complaint or even an appeal to the school management. In doing so, however, they harm themselves. The only way to get away from the overburdening partnership-based parenting style would be to focus on one's own interaction with the child and realise that it is hardly the partnership-based parenting structures that provide order and take the overburdening pressure off the child.

What can be done to overcome the partnership parenting style? Certainly not by simply bringing up children more strictly or reintroducing more traditionally understood authority. Rather, parents should develop an awareness of how to behave differently: as independent adults who give their child warmth and love, help them develop their autonomy in small steps, but overall set clear rules and standards and practise these with them again and again. This so-called authoritative parenting style is considered to be the most development-promoting.

On such a basis, partnership can wait a while. It is then very important from puberty onwards. That shows: Parenting is also development. Parents must be prepared to change their parenting style. Young children need different guidance from their parents than older children.

All parenting myths at a glance:

Read the answers to 15 parenting myths here:

• Good grades should be rewarded with money
• Withdrawal of mobile phones as a punishment makes sense
• A child with a lot of freedom becomes more responsible
• Only children are spoilt and can't share
• Kids who fight become criminals
• Arguing with your children makes them quarrelsome
• Children should not be forbidden to do anything, otherwise they will become little rebels
• Lots of toys make a child feel loved
• Children of divorce are incapable of relationships
• Defiant children need tougher parenting
• You can no longer educate 13-year-olds
• A child should receive a smartphone from Year 1
• Children who receive early support become more successful
• A slap in the face has never hurt a child

More educational knowledge on the subject of authority:

• Parenting and family - 24 questions and answers
  How does parenting work? What is the right recipe? How much care is appropriate, how much trust is necessary? We asked renowned experts the most important 100 questions about parenting. The result is the most comprehensive dossier in the history of the Swiss parenting magazine Fritz+Fränzi: 100 questions - 100 answers.

• Mr Renz-Polster, what can children be taught?
  No one can teach a child creativity or compassion and social skills, says German paediatrician and author Herbert Renz-Polster: children have to do it themselves. A conversation about how children build the foundations of their lives themselves - and how parents can support them.

• Mrs Jensen, how do you build a good relationship with a child?
  Whether with parents or teachers: Learning takes place in relationships, says Helle Jensen. The Danish psychologist and co-author with Jesper Juul talks about natural authorities, full family agendas and the importance of mindfulness and authenticity.
• Authority: Who calls the shots?
  In the past, discipline and order prevailed, then came laissez-faire: today, pedagogical authorities are in demand. But which ones? And how does that work?
• «Mr Omer, how can parents gain authority and perseverance?»
  The Israeli psychologist Haim Omer says that educational strength can be learnt. To this end, he has developed the concept of the new authority. In this big interview, he explains what this is based on and how parents can offer non-violent resistance to problematic behaviour.