«As a single father, you need thick skin»

Mr Schneider, was it never an issue that your sons mainly live with you after the separation?

When our children were born, we had already decided that we would never fight over custody. As we both enjoy being mum and dad, we can afford the extra financial burden of two households and living together with our children is a very high priority for both of us, there was always no question that we would share care and custody equally.

In Switzerland, the majority of children still live with their mother after their parents separate. Why is it that fathers take on so little responsibility? Are they unwilling, unable or not allowed to?

This is probably primarily due to the fact that most couples chose a more traditional model before the separation, in which the father works more than the mother, and they continue to do so afterwards - not least to ensure financial security. However, it is certainly also the case that many men have respect for this task and feel overwhelmed. They like to concentrate on the role of breadwinner. But it also has to be said that as a man, it's not exactly made palatable to want to take on more responsibility for the children.
for the children. At best, if you say you want to cut back on your job, you'll get a dirty look when you separate, and at worst, you won't be taken seriously - not even by the authorities.

Since 2014, joint parental custody has been the rule in the event of separation. Has anything changed for fathers since then?

Not in everyday life, only in people's minds - but that's a start.

Why do children stay with their father?

For the same reasons that they stay with the mother. In my opinion, the decisive factor is which parent has the best prerequisites for the care and custody of the children. Children need stability, care and a safe environment. For example, if one parent has a chronic illness, financial difficulties or is heavily absorbed by their job, this can be difficult in terms of childcare.

Men apparently have to fight more for the care of their children than women.

If both the mother and father agree that the father should have custody, this is not a problem. In the event of a dispute, things often look different.

Custody: «It should be avoided at all costs that the child has to make decisions under pressure».

Are the children's wishes taken into account?

Children are consulted as early as possible. But in the end, the court decides which form of custody and care is applied - whereby the age of the children certainly also plays a role. Older children are better able to express what they want.

Children get into an inner conflict when they have to decide who they want to live with. How should a parent behave in such a situation?

This can be a major challenge and can sometimes lead to excessive demands being placed on everyone involved. It should be avoided at all costs that the child has to make decisions under pressure. Parents should talk to their child as often as possible about the upcoming change and, if necessary, work together with a specialist centre.

How do mothers react when their children say they want to stay with their father?

Just like a father whose children want to stay with their mother. Fathers do not get pregnant, give birth or breastfeed. But that's it for the difference between being a father and being a mother. I think that every parent is challenged in this situation, regardless of whether they decide for themselves or are determined by others with whom the child lives. Separation and divorce is one thing. No longer seeing your child - or no longer seeing them regularly - is even more serious. It is important to accept the child's decision and maintain contact as best you can.

There are fathers who would like to have their children with them more, but for some reason this doesn't work out. In such cases, there is often a breakdown in communication between the parents. What advice would you give such men?

As a father, you have to explain yourself if you want to take on responsibility as a carer after a separation: why do you want more responsibility for the children, do you really want to work less? A mother doesn't have to. It's difficult to get out of this justification mode. You should definitely get support and make use of counselling services.

«Children should be able to have an equal relationship with both parents after a separation.»

Fathers who are mainly caring for their children have to put up with a lot, ranging from oblique looks to open hostility. How do you deal with this?

I can tell you all about it: A woman once wanted to take my son out of my arms because she thought it was strange that I was alone with the boy at the swimming pool in the morning. She asked me several times when the boy's mother was coming and obviously found it irritating when I said that his mother was at work. A father who bears the main responsibility for his children needs a thick skin, but also needs to socialise with like-minded people. That helps.

How long do you think it will be before fathers and mothers in Switzerland really have equal rights in work and family life?

Until the children who are now growing up in families where the parents share responsibility - whether separated or not - arrive in the bodies where decisions are made. Equality is a generational issue and it will take a generation for things to change, both ideologically and politically. Then it may be that in future more children will live with their fathers than is the case now. However, I would like to emphasise that the aim should be for children to be able to have an equal relationship with both parents after a separation.

About the person

Christoph Adrian Schneider is a psychologist with his own practice in Bern and a board member of männer.ch. The umbrella organisation for fathers and men's organisations in Switzerland supports men in all matters and also campaigns for gender equality at a political level. Schneider is divorced and shares parental responsibility for his two sons, aged 7 and 8, as well as their care with the boys' mother.

More on the topic of fathers:

• In Switzerland, most children still live with their mother after a separation. The Baumeler and Schaffner families are different. A model with a future?

• News from fatherhood research: What makes a good father and why is his role so much more important than most men think?

• Read reports, interviews and portraits on the role of modern fathers in our large online dossier on the subject of fathers