Are parents and children surfing on different wavelengths?

Humans are social beings. However, not everyone lives out this characteristic in the same way. Some of us feel uncomfortable in certain social situations. When I'm told that I'm introverted, my conversation partners usually react with surprise. I then usually joke «I'm just well brought up» or «Well, I'm a Southerner too» to end the topic. This saves me having to explain in detail, for example that introverted doesn't mean antisocial. Conversation material for another time.

I still remember the day I met one of my now best friends and broke out in a cold sweat at the thought of meeting her. I was eleven years old at the time and had to transfer to a new school. The girl had been assigned to me as a «buddy» to help me get started and we had written letters to each other all summer (yes, I'm old enough not to have had an email address at eleven!). I liked her and was convinced we would become friends.

And yet, on the first day of school, I sat in my father's car and panicked at the thought of getting on the school bus, of forty new children - this girl and my other classmates. Back then, I found it easier to write letters than to talk to others - and I enjoyed it more. But eventually I plucked up all my courage, got out of the car and today, three decades later, I can report that my «buddy» and I are still great friends, even though we live very far apart.

What does all this have to do with research into child development and technology, you ask?

The network as a safe environment

Bear with us a little longer. Let's skip about twenty years and take a look at a very interesting study about teenagers' online communication and their perceived closeness to their friends. Patty Valkenburg and Jochen Peter analysed around 800 children and young people and found that friends who communicate online rate their closeness to each other as stronger. From today's perspective, this is hardly surprising, but ten years ago people were amazed.

It was noticeable - and this is where my own story comes into play again - that study participants who tend to feel uncomfortable around people categorised the internet as more valuable for «intimate self-revelations» than less insecure children. What does that mean? For children, like myself, who find certain social situations uncomfortable, confusing and sometimes downright terrifying, the internet serves as a safe environment. Recently, my friend Stephanie Reich and her student Joanna Yau published a study showing that online friendships are just as real and important to teens as offline friends.

It's not about screen time!

And that brings us to the present. I'm lucky enough to be related to some great people: My sister started her professional life as a lawyer and is now a speaker, trainer and coach - internationally recognised and extremely extroverted. Her daughter is one of the most talented girls I know (yes, I judge this subjectively, and yes, it's still her). She recently landed the lead role in the school musical, has a phenomenal stage presence - and is very introverted.

It wasn't until last summer that I realised that the arguments about «screen time» between mother and daughter were actually about something completely different: my extroverted sister wanted to talk, my introverted niece longed for peace and quiet. And the screen had become a symbol of this tension.

Introverts see their online identity as the «real me».

When parents worry that their teenager is not behaving socially enough, it is also about a definition of «social» that parents want or expect. I remember once saying to my niece: «Your mum cares as much about socialising as you do about your books.» She looked at me in disbelief at the fact that such a thing should be possible. I also find it difficult to understand, but I have now accepted it.

Let me introduce you to another piece of research: in 2004, psychologists published a small study with 40 participants that showed that introverts saw their online identity as the «real me», while extroverts identified more strongly with their identity in the physical world. These research findings suggest that it would make sense for parents to take their children's personalities more into account when setting rules for using the internet and social media.

Conflicts between parents and young people often have nothing to do with media use per se, but with the fact that parents and children favour different sensory environments. My son and I are a good example of this: he loves strong sensory stimuli. While watching TV in the living room, he wants to talk about what's happening, play with a loud, flashing toy and engage with his brother. This son is now confronted with a mother who likes subdued lighting, soft music and a good book.

Parents know best what works for their family. But sometimes we need a little support to make certain decisions. Ever since I heard a talk by media psychologist Kristen Harrison, I - as a mum and researcher - have often thought about her findings on sensory environments. In it, she described how parents and children have conflicts over media use because their sensory perceptions differ greatly. I have also done a lot of research into different personality types.

I'm happy about anything that helps me to understand my children a little better.

Some questions remain, and unfortunately there are no answers set in stone. But I am happy about anything that helps me to understand my children a little better and to snap at them less often. Either that or I send my very extroverted sons, who crave sensory stimulation, to their aunt for a while. That would probably work too.

This text first appeared in English on BOLD - Blog on Learning and Development.