All spoilt suckers?
At my grandma's in Herisau, I had to eat half a grapefruit before every lunch. This bitter-sour experience was torture for my childish taste buds. Nevertheless, I really liked my grandma. She was funny and we used to watch music videos by Europe and Madonna on MTV. She probably wouldn't have liked the way my youngest son was allowed to add more «Schoggibölle» to his muesli every day. «That's a spoilt little brat!»
I can't deny her. I spoil him out of laziness. Because otherwise he screams and I often just don't have the patience in the morning.
Many parents are probably familiar with spoiling out of laziness. It often has to do with fear of conflict with the little ones. So there's the Paw Patrol egg in the Coop, because a screamer hanging halfway out of the shopping trolley is more difficult to handle than a chocolate-smeared feel-good child. For the same reason, I tidy up my ten-year-old son's socks lying around in the nursery myself because I shy away from the sock conflict.
Fear of the big, wide world can also lead to spoiling. For example, when parents take their children to school by car or don't trust their child to cross the road alone to a school friend's house.
Independent does not mean that the child has to be alone in its development towards independence.
Unfortunately, a lack of creativity sometimes leads to behaviour that you could call spoilt. For example, we still haven't managed to store our glasses of water at a child-friendly height, so the six and ten-year-olds are still screaming «Waaaasser!» and we then dutifully rush into the kitchen because we don't want a dehydrated child.
How bad is this pampering? For us adults, it seems to be the other way round. Don't stress yourself too much, spoil yourself. The entire literature is full of advice on how we should treat ourselves to breaks, how we should find peace and quiet. The wellness industry thrives on people «pampering themselves». So why should it be harmful for children?
Firstly, there is the fear that spoilt children will become narcissists and egotists. This is the simple calculation that children who get everything only have their own advantage and ego in mind. They can't lose, are not resilient and can't take criticism. This fear is directed towards the future and also tempts certain parenting counsellors to advocate greater «toughening up».
However, it's not only the latter advisors who have this view of the future, but also the more «softer» parenting methods justify their tips by looking to the future, to what will come one day. To the academic success that will come, to the social competence that will be achieved, to the personality that will be developed at some point. But when exactly will this point come? Doesn't life take place in the here and now?
The types of pampering that we consider more harmful for the child are easier to handle.
One skill we want our children to develop as soon as possible is independence. When we spoil our children, we naturally see the danger that they will not develop this independence.
The psychologist and learning coach Fabian Grolimund sums it up very well for me when he points out that a child's need for autonomy can only be awakened if the need for attachment is also satisfied strongly enough. Of course, we can get our child to fall asleep on their own by simply letting them cry in their room. However, we then suppress this equally important need for attachment. Independent does not mean that the child has to be alone in its development towards independence.
What it costs us as parents: Time. We are often not prepared to pay for this currency.
I know that very well. I still have to finish the column, clean the bathroom or watch the winner's interview with Lukas Görtler. Whether it's all that important is another question.
The types of pampering that we would describe as harmful to children in large quantities are easier to handle.
Starting a Peppa Wutz video or fetching an ice cream from the freezer is much cheaper than interacting with your child by making things, playing music or reading to them. However, children should not get enough of these types of pampering.
