A healthy culture of debate online: how our children learn this

Recently , someone posted on social media about my children's book on media history , *Help, a Week Without a Mobile!*, saying that seven-year-olds hardly need a children's book to explain how to cope without a smartphone. But that is not what this book is about at all. The writer had drawn conclusions about the content based solely on the title and immediately went on to trumpet their opinion.

We see similar behaviour every day in the comments sections of print media. Although some commenters have clearly not read the article, they are so provoked by the featured image and teaser that they end up at each other's throats. Instead of a balanced discussion, everyone clings to their own opinion; all that remains is a brutal battle of wills.

The harsh tone of online discourse fuels significant discontent among children even outside the internet and exacerbates their aggression.

A lack of self-regulation online

As we grew up, we learnt not to blurt out everything that crosses our minds without thinking. Yet online, it seems that many users lose all self-control. The internet is dominated by monologues, stereotypes and a disregard for facts.

Children and young people, too, become such «self-centred communicators» and are often caught up in online arguments – before they are familiar with the basic rules of communication and have reliably mastered the ability to regulate their own behaviour.

Monologues and insults

Class chats are a prime example of this . They are actually meant to facilitate the exchange of information. Yet it is not uncommon to see 500 spontaneous and unfiltered messages posted overnight, with nobody actually listening to one another.

Even when gaming, children are not immune to verbal abuse and insults. Recently, a Year 3 pupil in my workshop told me that, during an argument in Fortnite, other players had repeatedly called him «HS» – a common abbreviation for «son of a bitch».

To argue effectively, children must first learn to reason and recognise the difference between mere opinions and verifiable facts.

The harsh tone of online discourse is fuelling significant discontent among children even in the real world and exacerbating their aggression. Even in primary schools, pupils these days are quick to resort to physical violence. In January, the *Tages-Anzeiger* reported on an 11-year-old boy in Dottikon, Aargau, who was beaten unconscious in front of a bus last October whilst «surrounded by classmates».

Adults aren't any better

«No one helps. Instead, the children pull out their mobile phones. They film. They laugh. One of them shouts: «Just die!» Minutes later, the video ends up in group chats.» Adults, incidentally, don't behave much better, as when one parent writes to another online: «I hope your genes die out with you.»

Good communication not only helps to regulate emotions and avoid or clear up misunderstandings, but also plays a key role in preventing verbal and physical violence – particularly in an overstimulated society. But how can children learn to take responsibility for their role as the «I-speaker»? By showing them how.

A healthy culture of debate as the social glue

Firstly, we should acknowledge that the culture of debate has changed significantly to our detriment as a result of the internet, its algorithms and filter bubbles. This may be why we have forgotten how to resolve differences of opinion and have become more conflict-averse in order to avoid escalation. However, positive and respectful debates that lead to solutions and agreements are a key element of social coexistence.

A practical example that many children have already experienced: two ten-year-olds get into a heated argument on WhatsApp . Every attempt to sort out the situation via text messages only serves to escalate the conflict further. A rift like this can only be resolved through a face-to-face meeting.

We can teach our children that, both online and offline, they don't have to jump at every verbal bait that others throw their way.

However, in order to argue effectively, children must first learn to reason and recognise the difference between mere opinions and verifiable facts. A healthy culture of debate contributes to the development of children's and young people's sense of identity and helps them to resolve conflicts without them escalating unnecessarily.

Training starts at home

And where better for children to learn this than in the best training ground of all – within the family? For many parents , however , arguments are a major source of stress that conflicts with their desire for harmony. This is particularly evident when it comes to media consumption.

It helps to adopt a different mindset and bear in mind Max Frisch's famous quote: «A crisis is a productive state. You just have to strip it of its connotations of disaster.» It is enough simply to replace the word «crisis» with «dispute».

Everyone can benefit from a healthy culture of debate within the family – where parents and children communicate their respective wishes respectfully and try to see things from the other person's point of view.

Do children, for example, understand that a ban can also be motivated by a desire to protect them? And do parents, in turn, understand the deeper needs that social media or games fulfil in children? Being able to argue your case effectively and put yourself in the other person's shoes enhances any conversation. So does giving each other your undivided attention at a time when the media are vying for precisely that. And, very importantly, we no longer need to raise our voices to be heard.

Of course, this probably won't put an end to online abuse. But we can help children and young people understand that nobody has a monopoly on the truth, that treating others with respect is more likely to get results, and that – whether online or offline – they don't have to jump through every verbal hoop that others throw at them.

The path to happiness

To conclude with a personal example: my eldest son showed me, at the age of just six, just how much we can learn from our children when it comes to reasoning. He wanted to watch TV before the agreed time. We naturally said no, and he stormed off, clearly unhappy. A few minutes later, he asked again if he could watch TV. When we said no once more, he stormed off in a huff.

Twenty minutes later , a calm and cheerful child came back to us. « What actually makes you happy?» he asked. We had to laugh and listed the things that make us happy: books, music and, of course, our children. He listened patiently. «And watching TV makes me happy,» he replied. «Why don't you want me to be happy?»

Fun fact: These days, AI systems such as ChatGPT and Google Gemini generally communicate with their users in a more respectful manner than people do with one another online.