«A game ban drives a wedge into the relationship»

Mrs Thalmann, are you a gamer yourself?

No, not at all. I got to know a lot of games through my work and realised how much they can captivate you. Nevertheless, I still prefer to play board games to this day.

How can parents understand their child's fascination with gaming, especially if they can't relate to it themselves?

It's essential that you take a close look at your child's interests. This is less about gaming and more about relationship building. Even if you have no access at all, you should try to immerse yourself in this gaming world together with your child. The appeal can then be better understood. Of course, it's not always easy to find time for this in everyday life. But it can be worthwhile - and is ultimately a matter of prioritisation.

Well, you've got to know the game, you understand the appeal ... What should you look out for now?

It is important to make agreements with your child right from the start. You often hear from parents that their children are allowed to game for 30 minutes a day. That can work, but I think it's brutal. I don't say: «You can read for 30 minutes, then I'll take the book away from you.»

That's why I recommend jointly defined solutions that correspond to the logic of the game. With Mario Kart or Fortnite, you could set the number of rounds. With Minecraft, it could be agreed that the exit takes place when it gets dark in the game. Or, as Minecraft is very time-consuming, that it can be played for longer at the weekend rather than every day.

To negotiate in this way, parents need to know the game in question well.

This is another reason why it is important to have it shown to you. However, parents shouldn't stress about having to know every detail. Especially as there are x games and new ones are constantly being added. A lot of information and recommendations can also be researched on the Internet.

Once agreements have been made, they must be renegotiated from time to time.

Are there things that parents should refrain from doing?

There are only two «don'ts»: a strict ban and completely unaccompanied and unlimited access. Gaming is part of the reality of today's children and a ban drives a wedge into the parent-child relationship. However, good supervision and the negotiation of rules on game duration and content should not be avoided. However, once agreements have been made, they should be renegotiated from time to time.

Can gaming also be used as an educational tool, for example in the form of a ban for not tidying up or as a reward for good performance?

I wouldn't use gaming as a punishment or a reward. This only gives it more importance. Rewarding school grades, for example, also suggests - in the case of less good grades - the attitude: You didn't try hard. It would be more supportive to ask where help is still needed. However, a game ban would only make sense if it was imposed in response to a violation of the game rules, i.e. as a logical consequence.

How do parents recognise when a game is not good for their child?

Younger children often act things out in order to process them. This could lead to strange games or behavioural problems. Older children may have trouble falling asleep, be more irritable or swear constantly while playing. If parents have the feeling that something is wrong, they should ask: «It seems to me that you've been reacting more irritably recently. Have you noticed that too?» Of course, it is then counterproductive to say: «You can't stand this game, so let's cancel it.» It's better to find out together what feelings it triggers and how the child could deal with it.

If parents are critical of gaming, such an attitude may be difficult to adopt.

If parents have reservations about a particular game, they should explain these to the child - also in case the child then plays the game with friends. Otherwise, parents may find it helpful to remember that many games also train certain skills, such as strategic thinking, dexterity or creativity. It can also be comforting to realise that new media has always caused anxiety. In the past, television had a similar effect on entire generations of parents. Even earlier, people believed that reading novels had negative effects.

Nevertheless, some parents are probably close to throwing the console out of the window from time to time.

This is understandable in the heat of the moment. However, it is important not to reduce the child to their gaming behaviour, but to look at them holistically. Are they getting enough sleep, are their school results on track, are they meeting friends - or is gaming taking centre stage? If you look at the child in this way, you often realise that not everything is going so badly.

But when is the time to pull the proverbial plug?

We know that brain remodelling is in full swing during puberty. The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for control and planning, is only fully developed at a late stage. Gaming also releases hormones that generate feelings of happiness. For example, dopamine, which has a stronger effect on the emotional system in adolescents than in adults. This explains a partial lack of impulse control and unbalanced behaviour.

Children learn more by example than by a thousand words.

This knowledge helps parents to be more understanding. No matter how much you say: «You have a test tomorrow», the young people won't be able to switch off. I still wouldn't pull the plug, but continue to seek dialogue and let the young person experience consequences. Then they just go to the test unprepared. The important thing is to look at it afterwards: «How can you get a grip on this in future?»

What about the role model effect?

It is extremely important! Children learn more by example than by a thousand words. That's why we as adults should also abide by the mobile phone rules that apply to our children. But you can also show children from an early age what you do on your mobile phone. That way they see that it's not just a fun factor, but also a work tool. That's why we often find it difficult to put it down. If we have fallen into the trap again, we should admit it. If we deal with the issue as a family in this way again and again, everyone will learn.