«A foster child will never be your own child»
Mrs Gerber, Michael and Nico live with a family that is not their own. What is that like for a child?
They are still too young to understand why they are not living with their original family. Nevertheless, we know that an early separation is perceived as a break in their own biography. Most foster children have biological parents who love them just as much as their foster family. Conversely, the children are also loyal and attached to them. There are circumstances that speak against the child living with them. It is important to explain these reasons to the children in an age-appropriate way.
This means that the child effectively has several parents. What does that mean emotionally?
That is very different. I often hear from children that they find it quite nice to live everyday life with the foster family and to experience visits to their biological parents as something extraordinary. However, many children also have very contradictory feelings towards their own parents.
About the person:
Two-year-old Nico cries before visiting his biological parents.
The foster family is the centre of their lives, so it is quite possible for a child to be sad or cry when they have to say goodbye. Children who are taken to daycare in the morning also often cry, and once they are there, everything is fine. It becomes difficult when the foster parents «suffer» too much and have the feeling that the child is not in good hands with the parents. They should always reflect on whether this is really about the child or about their own feelings. But if the child is endangered by the visits, you have to intervene.
How do you notice that?
The child's behaviour. I remember a nine-year-old girl who had been in a foster family for seven years and had regular contact with her biological mother. At some point, the mother began to make negative comments about the foster family to the child. The girl became increasingly withdrawn and was no longer able to move freely around the family. She almost «suffocated» in this situation. Unfortunately, the conflict of loyalty in which she found herself could not be resolved and she was placed in a care home.
Why was contact with the mother not cut off in this case?
That is difficult to say. In principle, great importance is attached to the biological parents. And that's fine, because you can't replace them. Nevertheless, you always have to take a close look, assess and decide what is supportive for the child in question.
Why does a family take in a foster child?
Many would like to fulfil a social task and have the space and time to do so. Financial interests should not take centre stage. The attitude of wanting to earn a little on the side with a foster child is not the right one. As this is a highly responsible task, you also need to take a closer look if you have an unfulfilled desire to have children. A foster child will never be your own child.
Is it more difficult to find a foster family for older children?
No, even schoolchildren are still easy to communicate with. It becomes more difficult with teenagers. At this age, you normally break away from your family. Integrating into a new one is not in line with their development. But there are also foster parents who are very happy to accompany young people into adulthood.
When is it advisable for a child to be placed in a home?
The more the biological parents perceive the foster parents as competition, the better off the child is with a placement in a home. Even if a child exhibits behaviour that is too much for the family setting - for example violence - placement in a family will not do justice to anyone.
What does it take for a child to be able to return to their family of origin?
If the aim is to return to the family of origin, work should be done with the parents on their deficits beforehand so that these can be remedied within an agreed time frame. Ultimately, the KESB decides whether the environment is conducive to the child's development or not.
How many re-placements of permanently placed children have you experienced yourself?
In the fifteen years that I have been working in this field, only a few.
Read more about foster children:
- Temporary parents
In Switzerland, around 19,000 children and young people do not grow up with their biological parents, but in care homes or with foster parents. Take Michael* and Nico, for example. But what is life like as a foster family? - How do we become foster carers?
Anyone of legal age can apply to become a foster carer. We have summarised the criteria that need to be met. - Foster families: «Love alone is not enough»
When children have to leave their parents, it's always a catastrophe. Family therapist Irmela Wiemann knows what goes on inside these girls and boys, how the foster family should deal with it and why they would do well not to push the biological parents off their pedestal.