A disastrous hormonal drone
Parents argue about a lot of things. About cleaning, about money and about who goes out and how often. The nice thing about these things is that they can be regulated because they are quantifiable. And then there's this unquantifiable residue. What remains of the day when everything is divided up, bagged up, organised and rolling. What I mean by that is this: The other day, my son came home and mum and dad were both sitting in their adjoining offices working on their computers. The boy entered dad's office.
«Dad?» he asked.
«Yes?» replied Dad.
«Where's mum?» asked the son.
«In her office,» said the father.
«Mum?» the boy called out.
«Yes?» I called out.
«Can you give me a glass of milk, please?»
The correct answer at this point would be to ASK DAD! But it's a well-known fact that the more foolish give in, even if it means admitting that their concepts have failed. For example, the concept of a balanced division of responsibilities in family matters.
«In almost all families, it is almost exclusively the mothers who bear the emotional responsibility.»
I always thought it was simple. Everyone cleans, cooks, everyone is busy with the children in roughly equal measure. Over the years, my husband may even have been at home more than me. And it's not as if he's a dragon and I'm a lamb. We are normal working parents, but when we are both at home, my husband is not there in the eyes of my children. I, on the other hand, am the unique selling proposition for day-to-day needs, the premium carer for problems of all kinds. Sometimes I feel like a duck that the little ones waddle after and it's quack, quack, quack all day long.
In almost all families, it is almost exclusively the mothers who bear the emotional responsibility. Just as the fathers usually have to take care of the finances without being asked. But everyone knows what money is worth. It's more difficult when it comes to feelings. And so it's also difficult for women to say what they actually do. And it's also difficult to make men realise what it means when the children and their needs are pounding on the mother's shores all day long, while they only intervene occasionally. Because even passionate mums get tired of it at some point. But there's no end to their job.
«Over the years, my husband may even have been at home more than me.»
This can probably all be explained scientifically. Oxytocin, the so-called «love hormone», which is involved in emotional bonding from eye contact to orgasm, is probably responsible. Women produce a lot of it during pregnancy and breastfeeding, and the corresponding amount is associated with typical mothering behaviour from baby talk to fussiness. Incidentally, fathers also produce the hormone. It used to be said that newborns resemble their fathers, a trick of evolution to ensure that they look after their offspring. This would at least explain why babies appear rather unattractive at birth. But today we know that fathers also respond to oxytocin. Administered as a nasal spray, it is even said to transform them into tender and empathetic beings who empathise better with others and can even read faces.
But before you run to the chemist and attack your husband with an oxytocin spray, you should know this: When it comes to children and family, the hormone has a slightly different effect on men than on women. Men produce a similar amount of the love hormone as women when they become fathers. But while women on oxytocin tend to care for their children tenderly, it tends to have a stimulating effect on fathers' behaviour towards their offspring. So instead of giving his son milk, the father would rather have encouraged him to tidy his room. Although maybe that's not such a bad thing. Next time I'll ask for oxytocin at the chemist.
Tages-Anzeiger/Mamablog
About the author
Michèle Binswanger is a philosopher, journalist and author. She writes on social issues, is the mother of two children and lives in Basel. She writes regularly for the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi.
Subscribe to our free newsletter now.