A break: Get away without the kids – right now!  

There are plenty of good reasons why parents should treat themselves to a few days off or a holiday without the children every now and then: sleeping in, spending time together, or simply lazing about with no plans. Although a holiday without their own children sounds very tempting to most parents, many don't dare to do it.

“What often prevents parents from taking some time out are the self-imposed and unrealistic expectations they have of what makes a good parent,» says family and couples therapist Raimondo Lettieri.

This observation isalso backed up bythe Forsa study commissioned by the magazine *Eltern*: 50 per cent of the mothers surveyed said that neither their job nor their friends or relatives caused them as much stress as their own expectations. The same is true for 41 per cent of fathers. 

Parents put themselves under pressure 

These figures come as no surprise to couples and family therapists: «Many parents who come to the practice believe that their child is only happy if they are absolutely at the centre of family life,» says Lettieri. Of course, parents have to put their own needs aside, but the crucial question is: to what extent?

A child-free break makes a relationship more resilient.

He often asks parents: «How many of your children's toys are in your bedroom?» Or: «When was the last time the two of you went away for a night or two?» The answers to these questions reveal whether parents are still managing to maintain a sense of intimacy as a couple. This is a fundamental prerequisite for the relationship, according to Lettieri, because: «Otherwise, the couple disappears into the Bermuda Triangle of parental, professional and household responsibilities.»

«This little getaway for couples breaks the daily routine and allows you to rediscover yourselves and your relationship,» says Lettieri. «Ideally, you'll set off as a tired couple of parents and return as a revitalised couple, both as parents and as lovers.» Of course, with no children to distract you, conflicts might arise during the break.

Sometimes these are issues that have been simmering for a while, but more often than not they stem from unmet expectations regarding the break. She might want to talk and sleep, whilst he wants sport and sex. Lettieri's advice, therefore, is: «Clarify beforehand what you expect from your child-free time and what your needs are, to avoid disappointment.»

Time out: relaxed parents, relaxed children

In times when daily life is often tightly scheduled in order to maintain the delicate balance between work, family and household chores, parents want to spend at least their holidays or free time with their children without the pressure of deadlines.

Mums and dads often put their own wishes and needs on the back burner. On top of that, in today's nuclear family model, there are few or no opportunities for support from outside the family. Or parents feel reluctant to ask grandparents for even more help. And it's not uncommon for them to feel guilty about it.

Relaxed parents who regularly treat themselves to some time out are also promoting their children's health.

«I keep noticing that mothers in particular believe their own child is only truly in good hands with them,» says the Zurich-based psychologist. This is an additional pressure that mothers and fathers, for all their parental love, really shouldn't be putting themselves under. The German AOK family study concludes that parents who are stressed also feel insecure about their parenting. And this, in turn, has a negative effect on the children.

In other words: relaxed parents who regularly treat themselves to some time out are also promoting their children's health. And that's not all: «If grandparents or close friends look after the children during a couple's weekend away, the children learn to adapt to new surroundings, which in turn helps them become more independent,» adds Raimondo Lettieri.

Arguments as parents, fun as a couple 

Of course, organising time away from the daily family routine – especially holidays just for the two of you – takes a lot of effort. Nevertheless, the relationship expert advises: «Don't wait too long! As soon as it's reasonably feasible, go away without your children!» Later on, these breaks could even be extended to a week or two. The key thing is to get out of your own four walls – even if it's just for one night – for example, at a guesthouse in the same town.

Every now and then, it's nice to spend time with your partner away from the pressures of juggling family and work.

And sometimes, during a child-free break, parents come to some quite surprising realisations: «A couple who went away for a few days without their children for the first time told me, to their amazement, that they'd got on brilliantly as a couple, only to start arguing again straight away once they were back to their everyday lives as parents.»

In other words: every now and then, it's good to experience your partner outside the dual pressures of family and work, to share joy and fun with one another, and perhaps even to rediscover each other. Nevertheless, Lettieri warns against having unrealistic expectations: «A sex life that has fallen into a rut rarely springs back to life just like that.»

But that is not the main point, according to the psychologist: the emotional and physical closeness they share strengthens the bond between the couple – an important foundation that also makes them more resilient in the face of crises on the exciting rollercoaster ride that is parenthood.