13 questions about puberty

How often and until when should teenagers be allowed to go out in the evening?

This raises the question of what is important to parents. What parameters or criteria do they use to decide when a child should come home? Are they afraid because the child is with friends who are not good for them? Or do they simply live by the rules, according to the motto: «That's the way it is and that's the way it was with us»? For me, safety was always the top priority. I had great faith in our children, they had friends and wanted to be with them. My «instruction» to our children was: «I don't want you to come home alone. You must always stay in the group.» So we didn't have a fixed time. The group was crucial because it made me feel more secure as a mum.
Caroline Märki, parent coach

When can parents expect their children to stay at home alone?

This is very individual and depends on the nature of the child, the length of time they are away and the time of day. Primary school children can usually be left alone for half an hour if mum or dad has to run errands. Or if they have to wait a while after school before someone comes home.
Many children can only stay home alone in the evening and for longer periods of time when they are around twelve years old. With older siblings, this is of course possible earlier. It is important that your child has the opportunity to contact someone at any time if they feel unsafe.
What I personally would advise against is parents leaving their toddler sleeping alone. No matter how good a sleeper they are, they may still wake up and feel helpless. Such an experience can be formative and cause unnecessary anxiety. It's better to get someone to look after your child so that they get used to mum and dad doing things for themselves and going out at night.
Sarah Zanoni, educational psychologist

What should parents do if their child is smoking pot?

If a child takes drugs, a conversation is needed. How this goes depends very much on how you have behaved in parenting so far. If the parents are often absent and the children are left to their own devices, they will look for their own boundaries.
However, children only realise that they are overstepping their boundaries if they have been taught boundaries at home and have developed an inner standard. So the question is rather: What is the aim of such a conversation? As a parent, do you want to work off your stress or do you want your offspring to be in control of themselves in future and preferably avoid drugs of any kind?
This is a wish, and as with all wishes: they are free. So, for example, if a boy comes home, has smoked too much weed and is feeling nauseous, the best thing to do is to make him throw up and then go to sleep. When he's well again, you try to talk about it. This won't be easy because he's miserable, he knows he's done something stupid and will therefore avoid the conversation because he's very ashamed. He will use all strategies to avoid having to talk to his parents. Then it gets exciting.
When do you grab the child? Can you do it? How do you deal with this crossing of boundaries? Is it really so bad if the child tries something? Why are you so insanely afraid of falling? Why do you have the indignation, the morals, but not the confidence that the child can handle it? This is where your own biography often comes into play. Especially during puberty, the child's teenage years are a constant reminder of their own development. But it is precisely these fears that weaken your own negotiating position.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist
(More on dealing with hash in our big online dossier on weed)

«If your 13-year-old daughter wants to hang out at the station, I expect you to go and get her home.»

Sefika Garibovic, expert for difficult young people

The 13-year-old daughter prefers to hang out with her new friends at the railway station. What should I do?

You should definitely talk to your daughter and explain that you can't do that. «Look, I love you, I want to protect you, but if you go there, you'll be confronting problems.» If she goes anyway, offer to meet up with her mates at your house or another safer place. If the attraction is still too great, I expect you as parents to go there and take your daughter home.

Sefika Garibovic, expert in the after-education and resocialisation of difficult young people

The 15-year-old daughter spent the night in hospital because she had too much to drink. What should the parents do?

For me, there is no universal answer to this question. It depends on the cause of the drunkenness. Why did the child drink so much? Does it have worries that it needs to wash down? Or does it want to belong? If it's the former, then it's very important to address this. This is more important than a moral sermon. Because the child is not feeling well and apparently only knows this way to numb its discomfort.
It may also be that the daughter doesn't know her limits. And - poof - she has drunk too much. If that's the case, then it was a very good lesson and as a mother you know that everything went well. The daughter herself also learnt something more about herself and her tolerance to alcohol. I find that very instructive. Here, too, moralising is of no use at all.
Caroline Märki, parent coach

How do parents motivate their pubescent child to make an effort at school?
make an effort at school?

Puberty is a very difficult, problematic phase on the human learning and life path. More than in almost any other developmental phase, the human counterpart is crucial during this time. If this vis-à-vis succeeds in combining empathy with a certain rigour and distance with the need to be understood, he or she can succeed in motivating the pupil.
Carl Bossard, founding rector of the PH Zug and secondary school teacher

Various experts say that parenting is no longer possible after the age of 13. How should parents deal with their child then?

Of course you continue to educate your child, just as you did before the age of 13. Not only do I find this statement extremely unsympathetic, it is also based on a very technical model. This says that every child is in the same place after the age of 13. The opposite is the case: every child has an individual development plan and individual strengths and weaknesses. I therefore consider such sweeping statements to be pure nonsense.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist

How do you punish a child for breaking the rules during puberty?

In adolescence, punishments no longer work, but consequences do. If possible, these should have something to do with breaking the rules. So if the son or daughter is late for dinner, there will be no more food. Or if the teenager doesn't tidy their room for a longer period of time, the parents will no longer do their laundry. Parents sometimes find this difficult, especially at the beginning of puberty. But they have to put up with it, as well as the chaos that comes with this new stage of life.

Allan Guggenbühl, violence expert

How do I react as a father if I don't like my daughter's boyfriend?

The best way to approach this is in an old-fashioned way: You take the young man aside and tell him: «I'm not a fan of yours, but you look after my daughter well. And just in case, I know where you live.» You should let the children try things out when finding a partnership, but support them in the process. That means: enjoy the children, don't interfere and only bite the table when no one sees it.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist

My son skips school, comes home late and sits in front of his games console every day. Do I need to start worrying seriously?

If contact between you breaks off and the child no longer says anything, then it's time to worry. Children need their parents' attention as a kind of safety net. If you turn your attention away from them - whether out of anger or disappointment - then it becomes dangerous.
So what you can try in such situations is to say to the children: «If I text you, I want a reply soon. It's not about you, it's about me - I need to know that you're alive.» Ideally, this strategy doesn't give children the feeling that they are being controlled. In general, it's about offering them a kind of reassurance. If the children know that they are okay as they are, they won't get lost.

Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist

What can parents do if their pubescent child ignores them?

Basically, young people say to their parents during puberty: «Bye, I'm off to live my own life, which I don't know exactly what it will look like.» It's hard to put up with that. It's okay to have expectations of your children, but you're not entitled to have them fulfilled just because you're the father or mother of that child. It's normal for young people to want to try things out, to isolate themselves and be preoccupied with themselves and their peers. Young people need a safe home base and the certainty of being supported - and not old parents who are annoying because they want to be noticed.

Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist

Daughter wants to become an influencer. Help! What am I supposed to do?

When a daughter says she wants to be a singer, her parents also turn up their noses. Nevertheless, there are people who earn a living from it. There is something artistic about an influencer job. Influencers have a bright future ahead of them. Firstly, Swiss companies pay above-average wages compared to other countries, and secondly, companies such as retailers and furniture stores are also investing an increasing proportion of their marketing budgets in social media. It used to be a monologue, the company told the customer: You have to buy this. Today, they try to create a dialogue. That's why influencers are becoming increasingly important. I recommend starting small and being an influencer as a side job. That way you don't have to make any compromises. Many influencers work in marketing or as photographers on the side, for example.

Melanie Balasopulos, lecturer at the Swiss Digital Influencer Academy, influencer with
2.5 million followers

«Punishments no longer work in adolescence - but consequences do.»

Allan Guggenbühl, violence expert

What advice helps a person at the beginning of their career?

Hardly any footpath is linear. It's like an orienteering race: You know your destination, but the path is full of surprises and often peppered with obstacles. Overcoming them makes you strong. The compass with the destination helps, giving up quickly is harmful. It's worth persevering.
Carl Bossard, secondary school teacher

100 questions and answers on education, family and school

Read more questions and answers from our big dossier here.

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• 18 Fragen zum Thema Schule und Lernen
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• 19 Fragen zum Thema Elternsein und Paarleben
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• 5 Fragen zu Liebe und Sexualität
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Eine Einzelausgabe mit allen 100 Fragen und Antworten gesammelt können Sie hier bestellen.