When children constantly whinge

Some children are real little pessimists. They see every problem, every injustice, everything that's wrong. And they talk about it - almost non-stop. Some parents can't even imagine where this comes from and help as best they can: by listening, with understanding, reassurance, tips and suggestions.

Complaining often has hidden reasons

With children who whinge a lot, parents feel like they are tilting at windmills. No sooner has one problem been solved than a new one pops up. Children seem to be more interested in having a problem than in solving it. This thought leads to the right track. Whining often fulfils a purpose that remains hidden from the child and parents: It satisfies important needs. The only question then is: which ones?

For children, whining is a way of gaining the interest and attention of their parents almost immediately. Parents almost never listen as intently as when their child tells them about a problem. We are immediately wide awake and all ears.

Some children unconsciously register this connection between an intensive relationship experience and whining. They have learnt: this way I can create closeness and intimacy and get the feeling that someone cares about me.

If a child talks about a problem, it immediately has the parents' undivided attention.

For parents, too, this situation is often initially associated with positive feelings. They listen, show understanding, help and may experience how the child's countenance brightens, as they have been able to help them solve a problem or see a situation differently.

This is also a great relationship experience for the parents. They also feel competent and recognised. They realise: I am important to my child!

This sometimes manifests itself in one parent being proud that the child comes to them with problems - the understanding parent who engages with the child. Sometimes a vicious circle develops out of these processes. The child whines more and more, the parents become tired. Now the parents react more impatiently and listen a little less.

The child reacts by coming up with even more dramatic problems in order to win back the attention and affection they crave. At the same time, the parents react less and less to positive messages from the child, as they are happy when everything is finally OK and the child doesn't need them.

Out of the vicious circle!

Criticising the child, reprimands or appeals to see the world in a more positive light are of little use. If the child experiences these reactions as rejection, this reinforces their desire to establish closeness and they will talk even more insistently about their worries.

If the need for closeness, affection and intimacy is behind the whining, the easiest way to break the vicious circle is to let the child experience it: My parents are completely there for me when I'm doing well and when I talk about nice experiences.

Continue to listen when the child complains - but make sure that you are even more present when they talk about their strengths, nice moments with other children or the sunny side of their teacher.

You may notice that you find it much harder to listen when your child talks about positive aspects. We are used to dissecting problems in detail. However, we do this far too little when it comes to positive experiences. If a child says that the teacher was mean, we immediately ask: «What happened? Why did she say that? How did that make you feel?» If, on the other hand, a child tells us that the teacher paid them a compliment, we often leave it at «Aha - nice!».

By getting to the bottom of the beautiful things, they can be experienced and become a connecting element in your relationship with your child.

If your child is a bit of a pessimist, you can start asking more detailed questions about good experiences: «What exactly happened? How did that go? What did you do there? Why do you think that happened?»

This may feel strange at first. Perhaps the «What went well» exercise from positive psychology will help you in this case: In this exercise, you take a moment in the evening to talk to your child at bedtime about three moments that «went well» during the day.

You can simply let the child tell the story or contribute three moments yourself. On the one hand, this allows you to direct the child's focus to the positive aspects of their life - on the other hand, you are indirectly communicating to them: I am also there for you and listen to you when you talk about positive things!

Deepen the conversation by asking questions about the positive experiences such as «Why do you think that happened?», «What did you contribute to it?», «How could you make sure it happens more often?». By getting to the bottom of the good things, they become tangible, repeatable and a connecting element in your relationship with your child.