Under pressure

In our society, one thing counts above all else: performance. No wonder that young people sometimes go overboard with their high self-expectations. That's when we as parents have to put the brakes on them.

Some of you are probably familiar with the song «Under Pressure» by Queen and David Bowie. The first lines of the duet between the two legends Bowie and Freddie Mercury are «Pressure pushing down on me, pressing down on you, no man ask for. Under pressure that burns a building down, splits a family in two, puts people on streets. That's okay ...»

Translated into German: «Pressure presses on me, presses on you, pressure that no one has asked for. Pressure that burns down a building, splits a family in two, drives people onto the streets. That's all right ...»

However, the rest of the lyrics of the song make it clear that pressure is not really positive and not okay. We know this from our everyday working life: sometimes the tasks are too much for us. Many people are able to cope with this situation for a certain amount of time, but if we don't have enough time to get things done and the pressure becomes too great, we become ill.

With a fever for distance learning

My family contracted the coronavirus in November last year. I was spared. To say it in advance: We all got off lightly. The younger two of our three teenage children were hit a little harder, they had a fever and a cough. On the second day in quarantine, I realised that our daughter - the youngest - was taking part in distance learning. She was on her way to her room when I heard noises from her laptop that indicated that she was doing so. I asked her if she really wanted to take part in the lessons with a fever. Desperate and with noticeably thin nerves, she replied that she had to, otherwise she would be expecting double the amount of work the following week.

If we don't have enough time to get things done and the pressure is high, we become ill.

As I know the teachers there well from my previous job at my daughter's secondary school, I assured her that this was definitely not the case and that she should now focus on her recovery. This was followed by a long, tearful discussion. But in the end, I was able to convince her to go to bed and get better, thanks in part to my wife's help. My daughter felt an incredible amount of pressure to perform and deliver. We are aware that she mainly puts this pressure on herself. Nobody at school told her she had to do this. What's more, learning is generally easy for her, so she had no reason to be so worried in this situation, at least from the outside. But she is ambitious - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Part of life is learning to deal with and withstand pressure. But we don't have to create extra situations so that children can practise this skill - it happens on its own. Rather, we adults need to help them overcome difficulties by standing by them. So it's not about avoiding challenges, but supporting the children in overcoming them. In this way, they experience self-efficacy, which gives their lives stability.

The fear of missing out

However, the discussion with my daughter would have turned out differently if I, as a former work colleague of her teachers, had not had crucial prior knowledge: I had already known that the work assignments would be shorter for young people who had recovered and returned to face-to-face lessons. But what happens to families who don't have this knowledge or certainty? Would your child have continued to take part in distance learning? Would he or she, in desperation, have gone against the well-intentioned parental advice?

The possibility of distance learning offers new opportunities and possibilities. What enables symptom-free pupils in quarantine to take part in lessons is a trap for children with symptoms. It is actually normal for sick children to stay at home - and in bed - in order to get better. In the pandemic situation and with new technical means, we have now managed to bring lessons home. But even in the pre-pandemic past, there were times when sick children came to class - with exactly the same motive: the fear of missing something important.

The aim is to help children overcome difficulties. How to experience self-efficacy

It is the job of us parents to slow children down at such times, to protect them from themselves and to reassure them that getting well is the top priority and that everything else can wait. As parents, you can have the certainty and expect that there is an understanding teacher at school who will welcome your child after they have recovered from illness and take them by the hand to help them reconnect with class and learning.