Single parents - we can do it

They have to juggle raising children and working every day: single mums and dads. In their complicated everyday lives, many of them struggle with financial difficulties. And the certainty that they are not always doing their children justice.

In Switzerland, there are around 440,000 parents who live apart from each other. In almost 90 per cent of cases, the children live with the mother, the rest with the father, in so-called «single-parent households» or «single-parent families».
Just 40 years ago, this family constellation was a marginal phenomenon in society, but alongside the classic nuclear family, it is increasingly becoming the norm. The number of single parents has doubled since 1970. One in eight children already lives in a single-parent household and almost every school class today has two or three children growing up alone with their mum.

Every eighth child in Switzerland today lives in a single-parent household.

The term «single-parent family» covers as many different constellations as life is multifaceted: the single mother, the single father who has to cope with alimony or without alimony after separation, widowers and widows with underage children as well as women who do not want to or cannot live together despite a planned or unplanned pregnancy. What all these households have in common is that one parent - in addition to support from their ex-partner, friends and relatives - is mainly responsible for one or more children on their own.
5 p.m.: Shut down the computer, buy the essentials. 6 p.m.: Pick up the youngest from the neighbour's house. 7 pm: Dinner. Then quiz the 13-year-old daughter on vocabulary. Scold her. Consoling. 8pm: Put the washing in the machine. 8.30pm: Put the 6-year-old to bed under protest. 9pm: Clean the kitchen. 10pm: Put the washing in the tumble dryer. 11pm: Fold the washing. Put away. 11.30pm: Pack the children's rucksack for tomorrow's school trip. Fall into bed dead tired.

Widowed for eight years: Aparecida Hefti-Pinto, daughter Anna-Sophia, 12.

The daily workload of single parents is strict, and in many cases their living situation is even precarious, as a recent study commissioned by Caritas on the reality of life for single parents shows. The survey was carried out by the Interdisciplinary Centre for Women's and Gender Studies at the University of Bern. The results: One in six single-parent families is affected by poverty, or 16.5 per cent. For example, single-parent families with two children are considered poor if they have at most 3,500 francs per month at their disposal. Compared to the population as a whole, single parents are more than twice as likely to be affected by poverty.
A central reason for the poverty of single parents is the inadequate means of subsistence. Many single mothers work part-time, often on an hourly wage, in very small jobs or with irregular working hours. This affects women with low qualifications in particular. «They are often told in the job interview that they lack the necessary flexibility,» says Bettina Fredrich, head of the social policy department at Caritas.
Further training or additional qualifications are often necessary to improve their professional situation. However, anyone who has to clock their day down to the minute in order to manage the balancing act between job, household and children on their own certainly doesn't have time for evening or weekend courses. And so the credo of many single parents is: do without - first and foremost for yourself. Very few single parents want to save on their children. And yet the children are also at a disadvantage. Bettina Fredrich: «The lack of finances means that children have less access to early support, which impairs their development.» Holidays are rarely possible, and even buying presents for upcoming children's birthdays is financially challenging for the mothers. «This makes many of these children outsiders,» says the Caritas employee.

Single mothers suffer from depression twice as often as married mothers.

Stress, anxiety, excessive demands - the daily burden leaves its mark. The fact is that single mothers suffer from depression twice as often as married mothers. Sometimes there is no time to relax at all. No wonder, because according to a survey conducted by the Federal Statistical Office in 2012, single parents spend around 26.8 hours a week caring for their children alongside their jobs. «Feeding, washing and putting to bed» is estimated at 6 hours per week, «washing and ironing» at around 2 hours and «playing and homework» at around 9.3 hours per week. Tasks that also have to be done in a couple's household, but here the partners can divide the work between them.
However, even in most «mum-dad-child families», the division of tasks is not equal. According to the Federal Statistical Office, more than half of women work part-time, while the proportion of men does not exceed 16 per cent. This means that fathers who reduce their workload to bring up their children and do housework are still in the minority in Switzerland. So it's no wonder that even after separation, it is the women who look after the children. The father pays alimony for the child, or would at least be obliged to do so, but many shirk - or pay too little. According to Caritas, one in five single parents receives social welfare.

One in six single-parent families in Switzerland is affected by poverty.

Of course, not all single parents are poor and unfortunate. Most of them have their lives under control. They do not appear in any poverty statistics. In no social welfare study. In no alimony advance payment overview. «Many of my clients are doing well financially and are happy with their lives,» confirms a Zurich divorce lawyer who wishes to remain anonymous.
Some women even make a conscious decision to have a child - even though they don't have the right man. For her, the latter is no reason to forgo the happiness of having children. The successful lawyer, who has achieved a lot professionally at the age of 38 but is not currently in a relationship, is one such example. And indeed, managers of large sperm banks in Switzerland report an increasing demand from single women. However, although they are allowed to advise this group of clients, they then have to refer them to a clinic abroad. In Spain, for example, unlike in this country, artificial insemination is also permitted for single women. Once the child is born, nannies or au pairs support the mother with childcare. She has no shortage of financial resources.
Admittedly: These cases are still the exception. But Edith Schwab, President of the European Network of Single Parent Families, also confirms: «Single parents today are basically at the centre of society.» In the 70s and 80s, it was still a «disgrace» to be a mother without a husband.

The stigma is gone: single parents are now at the centre of society.

Franziska P., now 72, still remembers those days well. The woman from Basel brought up two daughters and a son on her own. «I was always told that I was either living a dissolute life or that I wasn't capable of keeping a husband,» she remembers. The fact that her husband preferred to get drunk night after night at the pub rather than help her with the children at home was something that her petit bourgeois surroundings wilfully ignored. «Not being a good father was considered a kind of peccadillo at the time,» she says. «Women have it easier today.»
One of these women is Franziska's daughter, who is also separated with her two children. She has many friends, is socially integrated and can socialise with other mothers. Franziska: «That was impossible for me at the time. I didn't have any friends and tried not to stand out.»
However, the 42-year-old daughter also feels under a certain amount of pressure to justify herself: «We have a lunch table with a few girls from my daughter's class. I always make sure that I cook very healthy and balanced meals,» she says. Broccoli and organic biscuits or spelt dough pizza with a bowl of salad. «At some point, one of the mums tells me that her daughter finds my food a bit «exhausting». She advised me to just serve «chips or something». I was completely flabbergasted because I realised how much effort I was putting in.»
Doing everything right, giving the children the best, not presenting the image of an overburdened mother - even though the father is missing. That is the mantra of many single parents.

Intimate relationship: Zoe with her father Marcelo. She spends every other weekend with her mum.

And what about fathers? They can look forward to a steadily growing social and political lobby of associations and organisations that won a major victory last summer: since 1 July 2014, parents have shared custody of their children, regardless of whether they are married, cohabiting or separated. Parent representatives such as the President of the Association for Parental Responsibility VeV, Oliver Hunziker (interview on page 26), are also fighting for the model of alternating custody, whereby in the event of separation, the children are each cared for by at least 33 per cent of both parents. According to Oliver Hunziker, this is the prerequisite for fathers not just taking on the role of the number dad, but being able to have a relationship with their children. This would also give mothers more freedom.

Being a single parent means twice as much work, twice as many tears, but also twice as many hugs, twice as much fun, twice as much love.

Speaking of freedom. Some single parents report that this is greater for them than for married mothers - if they are in a good financial position and the division of parental responsibility is fairly regulated. Every other weekend is spent without commitments, without a partner and without children. And often one or two nights during the week. Even if it is rarely admitted, many use this time to satisfy their sexual needs. On Swiss dating platforms such as www.singlemitkind.ch, everything from a one-night stand to an affair to a committed relationship is sought and offered.
If you were to ask these single parents whether they feel helpless and abandoned, the majority would probably answer «Certainly not!». Single-parent families have many faces.

Single parents - we can do it

Single parents - we can do it

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