«Sex without orgasm makes you happier»

Mrs Richardson, you distinguish between two fundamentally different types of sex: hot and cool. What is cool sex?

By cool sex, I literally mean cool, relaxed sex. Normal sex is essentially about getting as hot as possible in order to reach orgasm. But this requires a lot of stimulation and a build-up of tension. And some also use sexual fantasies to raise the temperature even higher. Cool sex, on the other hand, is not focussed on orgasm. It doesn't have a set goal and doesn't push the body in a certain direction.

Does that also mean that cool sex doesn't have an orgasm?

Even cool sex can end with an orgasm, but that's not the focus. After all, an orgasm only lasts a few seconds, which may even be nice, which is why we want to orgasm again and again. In the brief moment it feels incomparable, but afterwards it's like a balloon has burst: suddenly the energy is gone and a feeling of separation from your partner can emerge. And after the climax, sadness, abandonment, lack of energy, disappointment or anger can arise. Because sex that builds up intensity and reduces it at climax does not necessarily create closeness. We rarely feel closer and more loving towards each other afterwards.

But how can sex create ecstatic connection instead of just ecstasy?

Let's first take a look at how hot sex works: Because it centres around the climax at the end, it lasts an average of 2.5 minutes from penetration to ejaculation. Even though it may be longer, the focus is usually on the orgasm. And if we don't have one, it was bad sex. But this is nothing more than a predetermined pattern: we are trapped in this idea of climax and discharge. If we pay attention during sex, we realise how we build up tension in the act with this pattern, how it thickens and tightens - and how it collapses after the few seconds of orgasm achieved in this way.

Don't we automatically strive for an orgasm in our lust?

When we are full of desire, it usually has to do with stress: stress in everyday life, in the family, at work or simply survival stress. Orgasm is used to relieve stress in a comfortable and pleasant way. Men in particular say that they feel more relaxed after ejaculation. However, this is a negative type of relaxation, which is why men usually want to sleep after an orgasm. Real relaxation, on the other hand, makes you alert, energised and refreshed.

Very practical: How does cool sex work?

We pay more attention to each individual movement instead of mechanically moving back and forth. Less movement and stimulation are required, we remain centred and cool. And we avoid building up tension and excitement. A little is okay, but no tension that leads to orgasm. It's about awareness and therefore slowing down, which is how we really start to feel.

So decelerated sex?

Yes, slowing down is important, but not only. It's also important to stay more with yourself: instead of focussing on your partner, you should try to stay more in your own body. In general, we are rarely anchored in our own body during sex. But that's exactly where the intelligence lies. It's not about inserting the penis into the vagina as quickly as possible. It takes time until the woman is really open to the penis. When the woman listens to herself and the «yes» is there, it brings a completely new experience - for both the man and the woman.

It's interesting to see how you feel during sex without an orgasm. The energy then remains in the body.

Nevertheless, you emphasise that the erection is just as unimportant in cool sex as the orgasm.

In conventional, hot sex, a man's erection is absolutely necessary. In cool sex, however, penetration is also possible without an erection, with a relaxed penis. Men are terrified of becoming flaccid. This is also the reason why they are keen to penetrate as quickly as possible. And why women allow it, even though they are not yet ready. This is the real cause of hot, fast sex. It's enough if we understand this - and if we know that penetration is also possible without an erection.

How?

On the one hand, there is the soft penetration that I describe in my books. On the other hand, we can also just be so tender with each other, look into each other's eyes and relax. This opens up the woman's body. And the erection usually comes back on its own. And in a better way, namely without too much arousal.

So when it comes to cool sex, we don't just take our time for every move, but also for foreplay?

Exactly. Because a man's sexual temperature rises very quickly, whereas a woman needs more time. Both are very different in terms of energy. If this is not understood, women easily lose their desire for sex. This is because men don't give them the time they need and women are often too insecure to ask for it. But every woman knows that she would rather wait a little longer before she receives the man inside her. But we simply follow convention. The result is that it can easily happen that the woman's body loses its desire for sex after the honeymoon phase.

But switching from hot sex to cool sex without orgasm is not easy.
not that easy.

Sex is strongly characterised by our ideas. If we want to immediately switch to a new idea like cool sex, that's just another idea. It's about understanding that we've followed a pattern in sex up to now and that we can change this. It's just important to know that there is other sex - that's enough to gradually bring more awareness into it. We may then begin to notice at what moment the urge for an orgasm arises. And instead we choose the path to relaxation. In this way, we can extend sex to two to three hours. An orgasm at the end is also fine, but it's also interesting to see how you feel without an orgasm. The energy then remains in the body.

But then the finish is missing.

We should pay attention to how we feel hours and days afterwards. Without an orgasm, this can be more relaxed, loving and inwardly satisfied. This also flows over into our everyday lives. We should question our idea that sex is only about climaxing. That is an option if we want a baby. But orgasms are not a must every time.

And what happens when the sexual attraction fades after a long-term relationship?

That's the problem with hot sex - because you simply lose heat over time, just like you can't
just like you can't do competitive sports forever. Some then want to change partners to get back to arousal, but this heat also burns out. It's not actually the attraction that's over, but the hot sex. Many people think that sex should remain the same throughout life. But it changes just as much as changing jobs or flats.

Having children also changes our sex, simply because we have less time and energy.

This is exactly when cool sex is a good alternative - especially because we don't have to have a lot of energy or desire. We can make a date for it and even organise a babysitter. It's about physically relaxing together and refreshing ourselves. And children are very receptive to their parents' loving relationship. When this flows, they feel more secure and self-confident.

On a deeper level, cool sex is love. We all long for more love and connection.

Why are we embarrassed when our children catch us having sex?

Because we are not necessarily ourselves during hot sex. It is often unconscious, loveless and associated with shame.

Aren't men more likely to want hot sex?

At first it seems that women are looking for a different kind of sex. Precisely because they need more time for penetration and have more trouble reaching orgasm in just a few minutes. But men are also relieved when there is no pressure to perform during sex: Bringing a woman to orgasm is no longer a must, nor is a long-lasting erection. If the sexual temperature is allowed to drop, there are also no problems with premature ejaculation. Awareness completely changes the quality of sex - and many men realise that they have also been looking for this without knowing it. After all, we're talking about love. On a deeper level, cool sex is love. And we all long for more love and connection in our lives.