The transition between mum and dad is crucial for children, say child and adolescent psychiatrist Thomas Hess and psychotherapist Claudia Starke. Both know from experience what they are talking about: they work together at a practice in Wädenswil, Zurich, and specialise in blended families . In their private lives, they are a couple and live as a blended family themselves . According to Hess and Starke, parents should bear the following points in mind:
1. Stay calm and objective
When handing the children over, children should see that their parents are able to talk to one another calmly and objectively.
Do not discuss issues that could lead to conflict in the presence of the children; instead, arrange a separate meeting to talk about them.
2. Be polite, just as you would with a colleague
In difficult situations, the following thought experiment can help: treat your ex as you would someone at work whom you don't particularly like – say hello politely, shake hands and be civil to one another.
3. Discuss contentious issues separately
Do not discuss issues that could lead to conflict in the presence of the children; instead, arrange a separate meeting to talk about them.
4. Establish a handover ritual
Establish handover rituals: have a coffee or a meal together. This provides an opportunity to discuss organisational matters or share experiences.
5. Avoiding parentification
It is the parents’ responsibility to discuss matters relevant to the children's daily lives or their health. Otherwise, children may be forced into the role of taking on this responsibility.
6. No handovers over the garden fence
No «garden fence» handovers – that is, handovers where there is no contact between the adults.
7. Allow for a transition period
Allow time for the transition: Children need time to settle into their other parent's world. This requires some distance from the parent they are leaving behind. During this time, they may be excited, hyperactive or tearful.
This behaviour should not be blamed on the ex-partner, for example by saying: «The child always acts up when they come from their dad's because he spoilt them or was too strict.» Rather, it is a sign that the child still needs to let go of their dad's world in order to gradually adjust to their mum's world.
