«Self-reflection is the key to resolving conflicts»

"Due to the age difference between the children in our family, there is a wide range of topics and therefore also potential conflicts. When things come to a head, it's usually because different needs clash: the 13-year-old who wants to slowly cut the cord, the one-year-old who is at a completely different point. I sometimes find it difficult to fulfil these different needs.

The two older ones are from my previous marriage, they spend every other weekend and part of the holidays with their father. I have the little one with Pascal. From the outset, Pascal deliberately didn't act as a competitor to his father towards Gian and Lena, but rather as a colleague, as another carer. We discuss the rules together, but ultimately I communicate them. That has always worked well.

If I have become loud, I find it important to apologise to the child. And not to be too hard on myself.

If there is a dispute with a child, ideally I first try to understand what is behind it. At the same time, I scrutinise myself: What's going on with me at the moment, where do I stand? What I have learnt: In conflicts, especially in the family, it's all about feeling your own boundaries and communicating them clearly, but also recognising those of others.

For example, for a while I often had arguments with my daughter in the evenings. Until I realised: Lena is an evening person, she only really gets going then, whereas I have reached my limit by 8 p.m. at the latest and then get irritated much more quickly. I now communicate openly: «This has nothing to do with you, I'm just tired and don't feel like it anymore.» I might let her listen to a radio play, but Lena knows that she can't expect any more from me. Since I've been more mindful of my own boundaries and have spoken about them clearly, we've had much more peaceful evenings.

For me, being able to reflect on yourself is the key to resolving conflicts. Just saying that the child is difficult doesn't go far enough. But although I am aware of many things, I still don't react as I would like to from time to time in stressful everyday life. I think two things are important here: apologising to your child - for example, if you have unintentionally made a noise in a situation - and at the same time not being so hard on yourself. Mistakes are part of it. It just depends on how you deal with them."