Respect the children's boundaries
Respecting a child's integrity means two things: respecting their boundaries and recognising their basic needs. You can get to know your child's boundaries by simply observing your child. From birth to seven months, it can only be in dialogue if it is in very intimate contact with you.
If you hold a child in your arms and after a while it stops looking at you and looks away, that means it has had enough. And if you don't understand or respect their signal, the next thing they will do is turn their whole head away from you. And this gesture certainly doesn't mean «I want more!», but «I need a break!». After a break, you can make contact again. But if you skip this gesture too, you shouldn't be surprised if the child starts to scream.
This is a very good period to be self-critical, for example: When am I doing things to be a good father and when am I actually being a good father without wanting to be? Your child will signal this to you immediately if you observe and respect them. However, if you don't respect it, then it will withdraw completely into its inner world and isolate itself, or it will cry incessantly - these are the so-called «screamers».
When do I do things to be a good father, and when am I actually a good father without wanting to be?
With every child, you have to learn anew where their boundaries are. Some like to be very physical, some don't: they want to be with you, but if you hold them too tightly, they don't like it. As an adult, you have to respect both and engage with the child according to their needs. Because if you think you always have to hold them close to you just because you feel like more physical contact, then you are abusing them.
Being authentic instead of polite
Later in life, we get to know the boundaries of others by crossing them. So being too careful is not advisable, but we should always remain aware of what is happening!
By the way, there are also cultural differences. For example, if I meet a family on the street in Denmark and I already know the children, they will look at me and the parents will immediately say: «Aren't you saying hello?» The parents don't even realise that they are crossing a line, because the children have looked at me and said hello in this way. I know them and I know what they are trying to tell me with their behaviour. But the parents panic because they think it's not socially acceptable behaviour. I'm happy to do without a «Hello, nice to see you!» as the children's eyes tell me more.
If the same situation happens in Croatia or Italy, where people are generally more physically affectionate, the parents will even force the children to kiss me. And you can see from many children that they don't like doing that at all. So why should they kiss me, and why should I want them to kiss me? After all, I am a stranger to them and what is expected of them is an intimate act. But the parents see it differently: for them it's part of the convention and something of a social ritual - they don't think anything of it, but are very surprised when they hear about me: «I don't want the children to kiss me.» I use this to express the following: Why are we here? To talk to each other seriously or just to be nice to each other?
Children under the age of eight want to own their parents 24 hours a day. So you have to set them boundaries.
Children have to kiss a whole army of aunts and uncles - why? This is a way of overstepping their boundaries, because children want to make a difference: They like one uncle, so they kiss him without being asked, but not the other. And if you observe this in your children, then you should respect it.
I'm not saying you shouldn't touch children and be afraid that you might violate their boundaries - no, touch them, but if you get a very specific message from them, then respect it.
Children should cross boundaries
Incidentally, our boundaries as parents need to be respected in exactly the same way. Firstly, children cross our boundaries all the time. And it's important that they do, because how else would children know what boundaries are and that each of us has boundaries? Children under the age of eight want to own their parents 24 hours a day. So you have to set boundaries and tell them, «I can't deal with you right now!» And they won't let up and will come back again and again: «Play with me!» - And you have to stick to it: «I can't now, but I'd love to play with you later!» You don't hurt the child by saying this, you only hurt them when you criticise them. The children may be disappointed or even shocked, but they will take it on board and integrate it. It's different if you blame them and declare them guilty: «Can't you see that I'm busy? How can you, you naughty boy!» That way you are actually hurting them.
I remember the following situation 50 years ago: My father comes back from work, sits down at the table and reads his newspaper. Now, as a little boy, I wanted him to read to me from my storybook. So I go up to him, ask him to, and what happens? He doesn't even look at me, but at my mum. And she knows immediately what his eyes are saying: «Take him away, he's bothering me!» As a «good woman», she would have even stopped me on my way to him and told me reproachfully: «Can't you see that your father is reading the newspaper? You mustn't disturb him!» Sentences like that hurt!
It is important that we move away from a standard social language towards personal language in our contact with children.
In the past, it was common for children to be reprimanded for trying to make contact with adults. What a terrible message - you haven't seen your father for ten hours and now you go up to him and get told off for it and made into a «bad boy»! How could children not be confused? Aren't adults contradictory beings? They demand that you kiss strangers, but if you want to get close to your own father, they won't allow it. Parents act cold and distant and make the child feel out of place - and that's the worst thing! That's why it's so important to develop personalised language - instead of saying «You're bothering me!» say «I don't want to read to you now!»
But adults also have difficulties speaking a personal language with each other and very quickly become impersonal. When a man is with a woman for the first time and wants more from her than she can give, she takes refuge behind the phrase: «You can't do that.» - «Why? Who are you to tell me what I can do?» Or she says: «You don't do that to women!» - «What «man» doesn't do that with women?» - In a situation like this, the man and woman can get lost in endless discussions. If, on the other hand, the woman personally says: «I don't want that!», then there's nothing to discuss - no one is right, no one is wrong. It is the way it is! She doesn't want it and he has to respect that.
It is very important, especially in contact with children, who ultimately learn from us what boundaries are and what empathy means, that we move away from a standard social language towards personal language.
More about boundaries and self-esteem:
- 7 Tipps, wie Sie das Selbstwertgefühl Ihres Kindes stärken
Je selbstbewusster Kinder sind und je stärker ihr Selbstwertgefühl ist, desto besser können sie mit sich, dem Leben und anderen Menschen umgehen.
- Frau Garibovic, brauchen auch «einfache» Kinder Grenzen?
Viele Mütter und Väter sind heute verunsichert und kommen ihrer Verantwortung als Eltern nicht nach, sagt Sefika Garibovic, Expertin für die Nacherziehung schwieriger Jugendlicher.
Jesper Juul (1948 - 2019)
Take your child seriously - treat them with respect. Children don't need boundaries - they need relationships. Parents don't need to be consistent - they need to be credible.
The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has shaped people like no other in recent decades with his parenting and relationship principles.
The founder of familylab, a counselling network for families, and author of over 40 books («Dein kompetentes Kind», «Aus Erziehung wird Beziehung») died on 25 July at the age of 71 after a long illness in Odder, Denmark. He was married twice and is survived by a son from his first marriage and two grandchildren.
Jesper Juul's columns are written in collaboration with familylab.ch