First, the bad news: if parents separate, it takes its toll on the child. They become emotionally unsettled and may develop anxieties, display behavioural problems or see a decline in their academic performance. The good news is that, in the long term, a divorce does not have to remain a source of distress.
The key factor is how parents deal with them. Do they manage to prioritise their children's needs and keep conflict to a minimum? Or do they continue to argue, manipulate their children and speak ill of their ex-partner?
If parents choose the second option, there is a high risk that the children will suffer in the long term as a result of the separation. But how does one manage to take the first path? How does one prioritise the children's wellbeing – at a time when one is emotionally distraught oneself? How does one remain parents when one is no longer a couple? What are the consequences if the adults continue to argue?
How do you talk to children about divorce? And is there a model that works for all family members following a separation? This dossier explores these and other questions. It focuses on families in which there is neither violence nor abuse, as in such cases the child's contact with the parent who has committed violence must be assessed differently.
Children of separated parents have better prosocial skills; in other words, they are better at sharing or helping others.
Whilst divorce carried a stigma in the 1980s and 1990s, it is now considered the norm. Around 16,000 marriages end in divorce in Switzerland every year. Between 12,000 and 13,000 children under the age of 18 are affected by these divorces.
Added to this are those from unmarried couples who split up. They are not included in any statistics. One thing is clear: every year, Switzerland gains a small town's worth of children of separated parents.
What does the scientific community say about children of separated parents?
Various international studies show that these children are at increased risk of developing mental health problems. Children of divorced parents are more likely to experience difficulties at school, behavioural problems and lower self-esteem. As adults, they rate their health and life satisfaction lower than those who grew up in what is termed an «intact» family.
It has even been scientifically proven that they have a weaker immune system. Austrian researchers recently concluded that adolescents from single-parent households are less likely to achieve high school qualifications and have a lower life expectancy.
The child thinks to themselves: If one parent leaves me, the other might suddenly be gone too.
Claudia Starke, psychotherapist
Until now, there has been very little research on this topic from Switzerland. Now, however, in the so-called FamyCH study, an interdisciplinary team of psychologists, sociologists, architects and lawyers is investigating, for the first time, the well-being of children of separated parents.
Poorer health among affected children
Whilst the sociologists, for example, are researching family structures, the psychologists are examining mental and physical health. Architects are investigating the impact that spatial circumstances – such as living in two different places – have on children. And legal experts are examining the effects of court rulings. To this end, since 2024 and continuing until 2027, over 4,500 adults have been surveyed on several occasions about how they assess their children's well-being.
The initial findings are consistent with results from other countries: parents who live apart rate their children's health as poorer than those who live together. Their children also experience more emotional difficulties – for example, they feel lonely or unhappy – and display more behavioural problems, such as tantrums. On the other hand, children of separated parents have better prosocial skills; in other words, they are better at sharing or helping others.
The impact of the financial situation
When considering all these studies, it is important to bear in mind that the financial situation in many separated families is more strained than in traditional nuclear families – not least because they have to pay for two households. According to a study by the University of Bern, single parents are four times more likely to be affected by poverty than two-parent families.
It is not yet fully clear what impact the lack of resources has on the findings of research into children of separated parents. However, it has been scientifically proven that people on lower incomes tend, on average, to have poorer physical and mental health. So is the lower well-being of children of separated parents a consequence of the divorce or of a lack of money? This has not yet been conclusively established.
A separation is a huge challenge for children to come to terms with. They are usually deeply unsettled emotionally.
Benedict Weizenegger, psychologist
One person who, because of his own personal history, has explored the subject of divorce in depth is the paediatrician and author Remo Largo, who died six years ago . He and his wife separated by mutual consent in 1984 and remained on friendly terms . Their three daughters lived first with their mother and later with him.
In his book *Happy Children of Divorce*, he states: «If you look more closely, it turns out that only a small percentage of children of divorce experience problems, whilst the majority develop in no different way to children from so-called nuclear families.» A separation does not, therefore, necessarily have to have long-term negative consequences for young people. Experts agree: it is up to the parents.
To understand what children need, we must first understand how a separation affects them. Benedict Weizenegger, senior psychologist at the Baselland Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Unit, says in the podcast ‘Psychoversum – Parents at War Over Divorce»: «A separation requires a huge effort of adjustment on the part of the children. They are usually deeply unsettled emotionally.» This is because, fundamentally, they long for a familiar, safe environment that is predictable.
A child experiences fears of loss and feelings of guilt
For a child, separation is first and foremost a loss: they lose their familiar daily routine and, when one parent moves out, lose a part of that routine too. «This triggers fears of loss in the child,» explains Claudia Starke. «They think to themselves: if one parent leaves me, the other might suddenly be gone too.» The psychotherapist and family therapist works in a joint practice in Wädenswil, Canton of Zurich, specialising in blended families. Her own marriage also broke down.
She says: If a child experiences a loss, it can trigger an existential fear that undermines their sense of secure attachment. This is because they do not yet understand the concept of love coming to an end. If the child also has to move house, they lose friends and, in some cases, other important attachment figures as well. If they end up living in two different places, they have to settle into each of these new environments.
If the child is with the mother, it is loyal to her; if it is with the father, it is loyal to him.
Benedict Weizenegger, psychologist
Fears of loss are often accompanied by feelings of guilt, as Claudia Starke explains: «Children inevitably take on a sense of responsibility. Perhaps their parents argued because of them; perhaps they were ill and felt they were a burden; or perhaps they didn't obey. If a parent moves out shortly afterwards, they feel guilty.» That is why it is important to repeatedly reassure children that they are not to blame for the separation.
Do not fuel a conflict of loyalty
What often happens after a divorce is that children find themselves caught in a conflict of loyalty. They love both Mum and Dad and don't want to lose or disappoint either of them, as Benedict Weizenegger puts it: «When the child is with their mother, they are loyal to her. When they are with their father, they are loyal to him.» This can lead to them saying to both: «I'd really prefer to live with you.» If parents fuel this conflict of loyalty – that is, by speaking badly about their ex – this can have a negative impact on their children.
In the worst-case scenario, a child is manipulated to such an extent that they become estranged from the other parent and cut off contact with them. This happens to one in ten children of separated parents. A German study from 2023 shows that adults who were alienated from one parent as children are less happy and have poorer mental and physical health than those who maintained contact with both their mother and father.
Postman, confidante or spy
Another common dynamic in situations of separation is what is known as «emotional parentification». This means that the child takes on the role of an adult and is made to act as a substitute partner. «For example, the child comforts their mother when she is crying a lot,» explains Benedict Weizenegger.
In addition, there are other harmful roles that a child may find themselves in. These are familiar to the child and adolescent psychiatrist Thomas Hess, who is Claudia Starke's partner both professionally and in his private life. These include the postman, the keeper of secrets and the spy.
If the son is used as a messenger, he has to pass on information to the other parent – something that is actually the responsibility of the adults. «Tell Dad not to give you any more fizzy drinks in the evening» is an example of this.
If the daughter is entrusted with a secret, she must not, for example, tell her father what she has been doing at her mother's house. Hess counts it as a «spying mission» when, for example, the son is asked to go to the other household to check whether a letter from the solicitor has arrived.
Symptoms may be internal or external
When children find themselves in such situations, one thing is clear: the conflicts between the adults continue. And that brings us to the crux of the matter. A separation has lasting negative consequences if the parents continue to argue. This is the conclusion reached by various researchers, including those on the FamyCH team.
When a couple separate, parents must strengthen their relationship with their child – despite the strain they themselves are under.
Claudia Starke, psychotherapist
The study has so far identified two key risk factors for reduced child wellbeing: «A high level of conflict and poor co-parenting undermine children's wellbeing,» explains family sociologist Julia Sauter from the University of Lausanne, who is involved in the research. The latter means that the parents do not work well together when it comes to bringing up their children.
According to Benedict Weizenegger, the ways in which adolescents are affected by a divorce vary greatly. For some children, the symptoms are internalised: «They are insecure, anxious, display clingy behaviour, are unable to concentrate or develop psychosomatic symptoms such as headaches or stomach aches,» says the child psychologist. Others, on the other hand, become loud, aggressive and display behavioural problems.
So what do children need during and after a separation to ensure they do not suffer the long-term consequences? «They need to be sure that they are not losing either Mum or Dad,» says Claudia Starke. «To achieve this, parents need to strengthen their bond with their children.» They need to make time for them so that they can feel secure in that bond.
Often, however, the opposite happens, because mum and dad are preoccupied with their own feelings, because they are feeling unwell themselves. As a result, they lose sight of their children's need for security.
Parents must be able to cope with their children's emotions
It is important, however, that mum and dad do not trivialise their children's feelings and allow them to express their grief and anger. This is something Marianne Nolde has also experienced. She is a psychological assessor at family courts in Germany and has herself separated from the father of her sons. In her book *Remaining Parents After Separation*, she writes that parents must be able to cope with their children's emotions.
«Suppressed emotions will find an outlet – they may manifest themselves in physical symptoms or behavioural problems.»
Marianne Nolde, psychological assessor
What an angry or sad child needs is not an explanation that divorce is the better solution, but comfort and understanding. «What doesn't help is feeling guilty every time your child shows signs of grief, because you have done something so terrible to them,» writes Nolde. If a child is not allowed to grieve, there is a risk that they will not show their grief and will shut themselves off. «But the pent-up emotions will have to find an outlet – perhaps they will manifest themselves in physical symptoms or behavioural problems.»
It is essential that there is room for the full range of emotions. «Your child is allowed to laugh heartily too. That is not a betrayal of the other parent who cannot be there at that moment.» What a child of separated parents needs, in fact, is «the assurance that they are still allowed to love both parents». The FamyCH study shows that, alongside good co-parenting, well-being is enhanced by another factor: a good relationship between the parents and the child is crucial for this.
A child's three basic needs
According to Remo Largo, for a child to develop well, their three basic needs must be adequately met. And this also applies following a separation. Firstly, they need to feel secure, which requires familiar and available caregivers. That is why, following a divorce, they should generally maintain contact with both parents.
Secondly, the child seeks social acceptance, which is why, from the age of three, peers and friends are of fundamental importance. Where possible, the relationship with them should be maintained. Thirdly, a child wants to develop themselves and their abilities, which is why a separation should not place an excessive emotional burden on them.
«If legal assistance is required, parents should consult a lawyer together. Otherwise, it's just a question of who wins.»
Thomas Hess, child and adolescent psychiatrist
To achieve this, parents must constantly remind themselves of one thing: the children are the focus. We are no longer a couple, but we will always be parents. «The couple dynamic must be separated from the parental role,» says Claudia Starke. Achieving this is not always easy.
That is why all experts recommend seeking support in good time, whether through mediation, counselling or therapy. And by «in good time», they ideally mean before the separation takes place. Any anger, sadness or frustration you feel towards your ex should be dealt with in these settings or channelled elsewhere – for example, by talking to friends. But not with the children.
After two to six years, most children recover
During and after a divorce, most families experience turmoil, uncertainty and disorganisation. «Reorganising the family after a separation is a process, not a one-off event,» writes Marianne Nolde in her book *Staying Parents After Separation*.
According to psychotherapist Sabine Brunner, the situation becomes clearer for 80 to 85 per cent of families after two to three years. Most children recover well from the divorce after two to six years.
For the remaining 15 to 20 per cent of families, arguments persist even after two years. It is estimated that 5 to 10 per cent of parents are embroiled in a highly contentious divorce battle.
Thomas Hess argues that parents should refrain from ever hiring their own separate solicitors: «If legal assistance is required, parents should consult a joint solicitor – one with a background in mediation, if possible.» Otherwise, he says, the focus may end up being solely on who wins.
Separation as the next-best solution
All too often, however, adults are more concerned with winning or proving they are right. This is something Marianne Nolde has observed during her career as an expert witness in family courts. Both parents see themselves as victims and neither as the perpetrator. Both might feel they are in the right. However, this prevents the sort of communication that would make things easier for the children.
Rather than analysing her ex-partner's weaknesses and becoming stuck in resentment, she recommends understanding one's own part in the breakdown of the relationship. It is also helpful to see the situation from the other person's perspective.
Of course, it takes two to maintain a good relationship. So what should you do if your ex-partner remains in «arguing mode»? Marianne Nolde recommends starting with «friendlier communication» all the same. If only to set a positive example for the children: «The way you handle your conflicts with your ex-partner now is what your children will learn from.»
You cannot change your ex's behaviour, but you can change your own. However, it is also important to set boundaries should the other parent cross them.
Nolde describes a separation as «the second-best solution». The best solution is still an intact family with few conflicts. Studies bear this out. However, children who grow up in highly conflict-ridden families suffer in much the same way as children of separated parents whose parents continue to argue.
For this reason, divorce is sometimes the better solution. Marianne Nolde is convinced: «The second-best solution – as I have often observed – can still be a very good one.»
