My child is a loner!

While their peers play in small groups or chat during break time, they prefer to bury their noses in a book or occupy themselves alone. When it comes to group work, the question quickly arises: «Can I do that on my own?» When meeting other families, they rarely respond to invitations to play or questions from acquaintances. They prefer to hide away in their rooms with an audiobook, want to go home straight away or ask abruptly when the visitors are leaving.

We are talking about so-called loners. They often have few friends of their own age, find birthday parties and class parties stressful and seem taciturn. If they are passionate about a particular subject or hobby, they can spend a lot of time and energy on it – even if their peers often find it boring.

It is not uncommon for them to target one (usually adult) person in order to let their passions run wild. And they often have clear ideas about how certain toys should be played with. If other children do not comply or contribute their own ideas, the mood quickly changes.

«Why is my child so withdrawn?» parents ask themselves, followed by, «How should we respond?» Let's first look at the most common reasons why children and teenagers behave this way.

The 5 most common reasons

1. The individual temperament of the child

Some children are naturally more introverted and react more sensitively to their environment. Being in large groups at school or during leisure time exhausts them. They therefore need more time to themselves to recharge their batteries.

2. Shyness, social insecurity and fears

Some children do not know how to approach others or what to talk about with their peers. They quickly become anxious about being rejected, saying something wrong or embarrassing themselves. They feel safer as observers.

3. High ability and special interests

Children with exceptional talents or interests sometimes find it difficult to connect with their peers. They often prefer to stick with adults who are more open to their passions and think as quickly and deeply as they do.

4. Neurodiversity

People differ in how they perceive and process (social) stimuli. For example, many children on the autism spectrum have particular preferences when it comes to play, tending to seek out familiar things, repetition and predictability – which is often best achieved alone or with a familiar person.

5. Negative relationship experiences

«Do other people like me? Can I trust them ? Will they be there for me when I need help? Am I worth getting involved with?» We develop the answers to these questions, which are relevant to forming attachments, through our experiences with those around us. Children and young people who have often been rejected, abandoned, shamed, attacked or punished by their caregivers or peers frequently develop a strategy of keeping their distance from others and relying only on themselves in order to regain a sense of security and control.

Be aware of the strengths that lie behind your child's perceived weaknesses.

Of course, the causes described above can also occur in combination. Depending on the background, the following ideas may contribute to greater understanding and new approaches to solving the problem.

7 tips for greater understanding

1. Ask yourself honestly who has the problem

Talk to your child calmly about whether they like playing on their own or would sometimes like more contact with others. You will often find that your child is perfectly happy! It is more likely that you, as parents, are worried or embarrassed that your child seems "different», «unsociable» or «unable to work in a team» – and that this is making it difficult for them to make friends with other families. Sometimes it becomes clear that the child is suffering from their situation and needs help, for example because they don't know how to approach others, or because they are being shunned or even bullied.

2. Accepting the child's nature

The more we convey to children that they are «good enough» just as they are and that they will find their place in society, the sooner they will develop healthy self-esteem. Avoid negative labels such as «He's such a loner» or «She's so shy», which convey to your child that there is something wrong with them.

3. Focus on resources instead of deficits

Be aware of the strengths behind your child's perceived weaknesses: perhaps they are particularly independent, able to resist peer pressure, can occupy themselves, are observant and focused, have a few close friends rather than many superficial contacts, are careful and thorough in their work, or are particularly creative? Consciously adopt this perspective when giving your child feedback or talking to others about their special qualities.

Before or after social activities, make sure to plan some quiet time with no specific plans.

4. Create social opportunities, but don't force them

Establish social contacts in small steps and pay attention to what your child feels comfortable with. Perhaps there is a child with similar interests whom they would like to meet in familiar surroundings for a limited period of time? Instead of pushing them to join in, you could ask, «Would you like to go with the others, or do you need some time to yourself right now?»

5. Proactively schedule breaks

Before or after social activities, make sure to schedule quiet times without any plans so your child can recharge their batteries. This will help them see that socialising is something enjoyable and not necessarily overwhelming.

6. Create places to retreat to

Discuss with your child how they can take a break, especially in group situations. Where can they go to be alone for a moment? Can they take headphones with them to listen to music or a podcast, or a book? Would they like to go for a walk with a relative after lunch?

7. Focus on the essentials

«Say hello!» «It's not that difficult – just play along!» Constant admonitions make children feel helpless and resistant. Think about it: what situation is currently causing my child the most stress or hindering them the most? What is the most important skill they need to cope with this better? Focus on this and practise it in small steps. Seek professional support if necessary.