Mrs Nosetti-Bürgi, how can families overcome the death of a parent?

Mrs Nosetti-Bürgi, when a loved one dies, it is a heavy blow. What particular worries and problems does a mother or father have when they are left behind with their children after the loss of their partner?
Affected mothers or fathers are faced with a double challenge: on the one hand, they have to let go and live through their own grief, and on the other hand, they have to support and accompany the children in their grieving process. This often leads to their own grief being suppressed or put on the back burner for the sake of the children. In addition, the everyday tasks that were previously shared suddenly have to be dealt with alone. Support from those around you, such as parents, siblings, friends and neighbours, is therefore vital.
Doesn't this dual responsibility also help you get back into everyday life more quickly?
It does. The task of being there for the children, of having to maintain a normal life, helps most of those affected. On the other hand, the space for grief can become too small as a result. It is important that the widower or widow always creates time for themselves.
What does the loss mean for the children?

The loss of a mother is probably the greatest catastrophe a child can face. As a rule, the mother is the most important attachment figure, with whom the strongest bond exists and who is present for most of the child's life. She provides security, support and protection. But of course the loss of the father is also very drastic. If the father was very involved and present at home, there is an equally strong emotional bond with him. And for boys in particular, the loss of their father means the loss of an identification figure. The father represents security, he is the mother's support. Quite a few children try to fill this gap ...
... and don't have time to grieve themselves.

That can happen. But basically, children - like adults - grieve very individually. There are children who cry a lot and seek closeness, others tend to withdraw and show no grief, while others play at dying or funerals. It may be that the topic comes up again months later and questions are asked. Perhaps just when the living parent has gained more distance. The stress can be reflected in a deterioration in school performance or in aggressive behaviour. Teenagers in particular can react with anger at times or flee into the virtual world.
How can the first few days, weeks and months be made easier for children?

Children need a lot of security and support, especially during this time. One patient told me, for example, that it helped her children a lot to be allowed to sleep with her for as long as they wanted. Children's questions about death should also be answered honestly and in an age-appropriate way. Even if they are asked again and again.
Can children and teenagers be expected to visit the bedside or say goodbye in the mortuary?
Of course, this has to be decided on a situational and individual basis. But in principle, children should be able to experience all the steps in the dying process and afterwards. This includes the visit to the bedside, the farewell to the corpse and the funeral. This experience is important and helpful for the grieving process. Rituals, such as the regular lighting of a candle for the deceased, also provide support.
When does it get easier?
From the second year onwards, many bereaved people feel something like a «first thin layer of grass» beginning to grow over their wound. During the following years, however, this wound is still very present and can be felt painfully again and again, but with decreasing intensity. If the loss can be mourned in a healthy way, the bereaved can gradually regain their zest for life. The good news is that grief is our ability to process loss and find our way back to life.

Read more:

• Report: Mummy is in heaven
• Question for Jesper Juul: The grandmother is suffering from cancer. The illness is very stressful for the family. One of the children has nightmares and talks about the fear of dying. How should we talk to our children about death? And how should we deal with our grief and the grief of our children? Read the Danish family therapist's answer here