Mr Bodenmann, how does a relationship work?

Professor Guy Bodenmann's office at the Institute of Psychology at the University of Zurich is close to Oerlikon railway station. High windows to the front and right, black sideboards on the wall to the left and lithographs by Henri Matisse hanging above.

Mr Bodenmann, every second marriage in Switzerland ends in divorce - are couples separating too quickly these days?

Yes, in many cases. A partnership is one of the most important resources a person has: for life satisfaction, health, mental well-being and also performance. A partnership is a very valuable asset, but it depends on consistency, which is why you have to invest in it. This is the only way to make it even more valuable and sustainable. If a relationship breaks down, you always start all over again in the next relationship. This way, depth, consistency and solidarity can never be built up. For comparison: I recently had an old watch that I had received from my parents for my 20th birthday repaired. The repair cost me more than a new watch. The watch no longer had any material value. It could easily have been exchanged for a new one. But emotionally, I was attached to this watch. It had been with me for a lifetime. It's similar with a partnership. Its value increases over the years if you look after it and get through difficult times together.

«Partnership is one of the most important resources for life satisfaction and health.»

Psychologist Guy Bodenmann

What can you do if there is a crisis and the relationship is on the brink?

In any case, thoroughly examine whether a separation is the best solution or whether there are ways of overcoming the crisis. You should carefully analyse the pros and cons of the partnership and consider how any negative aspects can be changed.

And if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

If they clearly predominate and cannot be changed, a separation may be appropriate. However, it is important to remember that a partnership usually goes through waves. There are phases in which you have a good time together, and there are more difficult times. Particularly when things are not going particularly well, a couple should try to find out whether they are currently in a very stressful and energy-sapping phase - for example due to external circumstances such as acute work stress - but which has a foreseeable end, or whether there is an underlying conflict issue causing the dissatisfaction. This could be the case if you feel that the other person doesn't value you enough or doesn't show you enough fairness. In this case, the couple should actively tackle these problems, because waiting and seeing is useless. Such problems usually don't resolve themselves.

How can a couple overcome relationship conflicts?

Firstly, you should realise the problem. You have to recognise what is bothering you and making you unhappy. The second step is to recognise how things should be, how a partnership works in the first place. This often involves checking how realistic your own expectations of the relationship and your partner are. For example: In the period following the birth of a child, sexuality declines in two thirds of couples. Knowing this puts the problem into perspective, as most young parents feel the same way. The next step is to create the motivation to work on the problem: What do we want to do as a couple to address the difficulties? For the example described above, this would mean How can we revitalise our sexuality? What options are there? What did we do differently in the past when we had sex together more often? And in a fourth step, the problem is then tackled concretely.

How does that happen?

Many couples have sufficient resources to resolve their conflicts. Talking things through together and being prepared to solve problems together can help. It can also be useful to read a guidebook on the subject or, if necessary, attend a course on maintaining a relationship, such as «Paarlife».

When do you need therapeutic help or couples counselling?

A couple should first try to solve their problems themselves. If you manage to do this together, it means a sense of achievement and a strengthening of the relationship. If this doesn't work because the situation is too deadlocked, it makes sense to go to couples counselling.

What do couples with children suffer from most often?

A lack of time, everyday stress and a packed agenda. Parents are often under constant pressure because they hardly have any unplanned free time. Another difficulty is that the partner is no longer the only and exclusive object of love when there are children. The couple dyad is broken up. It therefore becomes more important to clearly show your love to your partner. However, problems also arise due to different parenting ideas and values, i.e. when the couple do not agree on what is right and good for the children. And then parents are often distressed when their child suffers from school difficulties or is bullied, for example. Financial worries are also a burden for some mums and dads.

What can couples do to combat everyday stress?

The key question here is: How do I set my priorities? Because everyone has room for manoeuvre! But if the sports club or some other leisure activity is more important to you than talking to your partner and you assume that the partnership is a sure-fire success anyway, then the relationship may fall by the wayside. And at some point, there's the threat of mutual alienation because you've grown apart more and more in the meantime.

«Giving and showing yourself as you really are in a partnership creates closeness.»

Psychologist Guy Bodenmann

How do you counteract this alienation?

Prevention is best: love is like a plant that needs to be nurtured and cared for. If you don't water it, fertilise it, change the soil, put it in the light and so on, it will wither away. The knowledge of this care, but also the motivation to want to nurture the plant - or love - are very important. If the plant is neglected, it will eventually die, just like the partnership. The longer this alienation process continues, the more difficult it becomes to counteract it.

How can we cultivate love?

By keeping our interest in our partner alive, taking an interest in each other, listening to each other and being able to count on each other. By investing in the relationship and always wanting to get to know the other person. And by being prepared to open up in the relationship - this is called «self-opening» - by giving and showing ourselves as we really are, with all our strengths and weaknesses. When we open up to each other, we grow together and create closeness, intimacy and consistency. A partnership is the only place where self-disclosure in this form is possible. However, some couples communicate on a very superficial level for many years and do not achieve any depth in their relationship. This makes the relationship fleeting and vulnerable.

Susceptible to what?

Prone to alienation, disappointment and a frustrated «throwing away» of the relationship. Today we live in a throwaway society; what we no longer like is disposed of. This attitude has not stopped at partnerships either. If your own needs, expectations and desires are not satisfied, you become disillusioned and dissatisfied. You start to see your partner in a negative light, are less generous towards their quirks, nag, criticise and start power games. The frequency and quality of sexuality also often decreases.

«Children are like seismographs: they sense what is not going well between their parents and suffer from these tensions.»

Psychologist Guy Bodenmann

What advice do you have for couples who complain that their sexuality has diminished and is less exciting?

The longer a couple goes without sex, the more difficult it becomes to revitalise their sexuality. That's why it's important to keep at it - even if the «tingling» sensation is no longer there. Feeling closeness and tenderness, meeting on a more mature level, can also be very nice. And remain open and ask yourself: What do I like about my partner today? Your expectations should be realistic. Good is good - not everything always has to be excellent!

Back to the children: What are the consequences for the children if the parents argue destructively?

Unfortunately, these are often serious. Children are like seismographs, they sense what is not going well in the relationship between their parents. And they suffer from these tensions, regardless of whether the conflicts are avoided, smouldering or carried out impulsively and aggressively. Partnership problems are linked to many childhood disorders such as aggression, anxiety, depression or eating disorders. Problems between the parents have a damaging effect on the children in several ways.

How?

Parents are less open and sensitive towards their children, exhibit less favourable and often more inconsistent parenting behaviour and often suffer from psychological disorders as a result of chronic relationship problems. Depressive moods, anxiety or alcohol problems in women and men are frequent effects of disturbed couple relationships. And in many cases, the children become involved in the parents' conflict and get caught in the middle.

And what about the consequences of divorce for the children?

In most cases, divorce is destabilising for children - the research is clear on this. According to longitudinal studies, it takes three to six years for children to recover from a divorce. Some still suffer from the separation of their parents in adulthood. Scars remain.

Is a divorce more serious for the children than if parents stay together but constantly argue?

Chronic destructive arguing is very harmful for children. If the relationship cannot be saved, divorce is better in these cases. But today there is a new type of divorce that is making people sit up and take notice. Around a quarter of couples get divorced without arguing much or having a conflictual relationship. They lack the kick. You ask yourself: Is that it? Isn't there something more exciting, something better waiting for you? This brings us back to the throwaway society. For the children, the separation of their parents comes out of the blue, there was no sign of it. Partnership and love become unpredictable and uncontrollable for them. This is psychologically destabilising and the belief in the reliability of relationships is lost.

Read more:

• How to argue properly and what conflicts are good for
• Get rid of the pressure: why sex without orgasm is better