Let's cuddle

A little back rub while watching a film, a big hug to say hello, sitting on your lap while reading aloud in the evening and a big cuddle in your parents' bed on Sunday morning - parents and children instinctively seek to be close to each other. This doesn't happen as much by choice as we might think, because the need for physical contact and affection was instilled in us by evolutionary biology: Humans are cuddly animals.

Touching, caressing, cuddling, stroking, massaging and squeezing ensure that children can develop well on a physical and mental level. If these physical contacts are missing, studies have shown that the brain matures at a slower rate. In studies with rhesus monkeys, scientists have shown that babies who are not touched at all die. Experts assume that the same applies to humans.

Touch helps to reduce stress, can alleviate anxiety and depression and strengthen the immune system.

Skin-to-skin contact is not only crucial for early childhood development, it also has numerous positive effects on the body later in life. Touch helps to reduce stress, can alleviate anxiety and depression and strengthen the immune system. People who are touched a lot go through life more relaxed.

«Cuddling and physical contact are also signs of relational skills and relationships,» says Regine Heimann, educational director of the Clinic for Children and Adolescents at the University Psychiatric Clinics Basel. «If children want to come and cuddle of their own accord, parents should respond.»

Mutual acceptance

After all, what the boys and girls are looking for is also a form of reassurance that there is someone they can go to at any time. Regardless of whether they need comfort, support or cosiness - there are many different reasons why children seek contact. «There is often an unconscious worry behind this: Are you really there for me?» explains Heimann. And parents who then give their children a hug, stroke their head or simply give their hand a quick and firm squeeze let them know: Yes, that's me.

Physical contact is always based on two people acting together naturally - and this is important. This means that everyone can say: You, I'm not in the mood right now. Parents are allowed to do this just as much as children. Their no to physical closeness, in turn, should be accepted unconditionally by adults. «Parents should be open to signals here,» says Regine Heimann. «Children are very good at signalling their needs, and if one of them is more concerned with physical distance, that's absolutely fine.»

How strong the desire for cuddles is also depends very much on the age of the child. Small children still cuddle with their whole body, many love to be cuddled on the feet or neck and hugged tightly. An almost scary thought for teenagers. When hugging, they like to make sure there is enough distance between the participants and prefer a pat on the back to acknowledge or cheer them up.

«Sometimes it's enough to simply hold out your hand or even just make eye contact,» says Heimann. «This may not be enough for the parents at the time, but it shows them that they respect the fact that physical contact would be uncomfortable or embarrassing for the young person and at the same time shows that they are attentive and care.»

Respect boundaries

The first rule of cuddling is to respect boundaries. Your own as well as those of others. While some families like massages, for example, in others this is completely unimaginable. It is important that everyone only does things that are within their own comfort zone. This can vary from person to person - and can sometimes be offending for those affected: If a boy likes to cuddle up to his grandfather during storytelling but refuses to hug his grandmother, then that's just the way it is. No child should be forced into physical contact.

Adults should take a closer look when children approach people without keeping their distance, hug them or climb onto someone's lap without being asked. «This could simply be a child with a great temperament who thinks nothing of it,» says Regine Heimann. «But it could also be an alarm signal that there may be needs here that are not being met at home.»

The younger a child is, the more its psychological needs are met through skin contact.

Caroline Benz, paediatrician

The child's need for closeness and affection is a crucial part of the parent-child relationship. Paediatrician Caroline Benz from the Department of Developmental Paediatrics at the Children's Hospital Zurich is concerned with the question of how such a relationship can be successfully formed. «The primary purpose of this bond between parent and child is to ensure the child's well-being,» says Benz.

It also enables children to acquire knowledge and cultural techniques and to understand the complex social rules of our coexistence. Benz adds: «Because as Goethe said: you only learn from the one you love.» But learning is essential in order to survive. That is why it is so important to build bonds. The parent-child relationship is the first and often most formative in our lives, but relationships between teacher and child or another adult and child are also important.

Stroking with words

For a child to feel comfortable and secure, two criteria must be met: Firstly, basic needs such as nutrition, care and protection must be met. Secondly, the desire for closeness and affection, i.e. psychological needs, must be satisfied. This can be achieved through physical contact and communication. «The younger a child is, the more psychological needs are met through skin contact, for example when bathing, changing nappies or cuddling,» says Benz.

The teenager, who - see above - no longer wants to be hugged, prefers to discuss things and seeks dialogue. By engaging in this, parents are also distributing affection: they caress with words. The decisive factor, says Caroline Benz, is the quality of interaction with the child, the keyword being sensitivity. «Parents should be there for their child and satisfy their needs appropriately and consistently - with touch, but also in dialogue.»

The need for closeness varies

One question that is of great concern to professionals dealing with children is the question of individual needs: How much security does this child need and how much does that child need? If a child is very alienated, shows a high level of separation anxiety and reacts very jealously to siblings, then these are clear indications that this child needs a lot of security, cuddles and attention.

What is the situation with a so-called snivelling child? «This behaviour initially seems to have negative connotations,» says Benz, «but we now know that these children in particular need a lot of closeness and physical contact and take every opportunity to be hugged if they have scraped their knee, for example, while for another it is completely okay for the mother to blow on it briefly and put a plaster on it.»

A good bond with parents enables children to acquire knowledge and understand the complex social rules.

Basis for functioning relationships

Even among siblings, according to Benz, the need for closeness can differ greatly. This diversity must be taken into account, not only by parents, but also by other carers such as teachers. «They often find that some children keep coming to them, seeking contact and asking questions, while others don't,» says Benz. «As a result, one child may receive more attention in absolute terms than another. Treating everyone equally for the sake of justice makes no sense: after all, there is nothing more unfair than treating unequal people equally.»

Whether with tender touches, massages or genuinely interested enquiries, the experience of «I'm there for you when you need me» is one of the most important that children have. The foundation is laid in the first years of life, but this attitude must be maintained afterwards too. «When children learn that there is always someone who is available and reliable, they build up an inner working model,» explains Benz. And this in turn is the basis for young people being able to build and maintain well-functioning relationships later on.