Jealousy: Rivals in the family

1 What is jealousy in psychological terms?

Jealousy is a negative feeling. It is the fear that you will come off worse and no longer get what you would like, love and think you need. It makes you sad or angry. Often you are also envious, for example of someone else's beauty, performance, reputation or position.

Or you would like to have something, for example a toy or a mobile phone, that the other person has. So there is a lot of overlap between jealousy and envy. The difference is that a jealous person is afraid of losing something, but an envious person wants what others have.

Jürg Frick, developmental psychologist and sibling researcher

The experts

2 Where does the term jealousy come from?

Jealousy originally comes from Old High German. «Eibar» meant something like «sharp, bitter» or «painful», while «Suht» was a general term for illness. The term jealousy therefore originally meant something like «morbid bitterness».

I don't think it's helpful to use the term «jealousy» to describe the sibling relationship because it has this pathological component to it. I would argue in favour of talking about rivalry instead. Rivalry comes from Latin, the word is derived from «rivus», the stream.

The people who live by the stream are rivals, so to speak. They have to share the land on the bank and get along with each other. If you transfer this to the sibling relationship, it is the case that one child was the first inhabitant of the riverbank.

Then a second child comes along and the two become rivals, and they now have to come to an agreement. Such an agreement often involves disagreement. Sibling disputes are therefore very central and more or less normal.

Jan-Uwe Rogge, author and family counsellor

3. does jealousy make sense from an evolutionary point of view?

All basic feelings that humans have can ultimately be explained by evolution. Fear of loss is also an unloved feeling, but it serves to protect our bonds. Fear of loss shows us their value. When you are jealous, you see something in the other person that you would also like to have.

You may have the feeling that you are performing worse or that you are lacking something. And in a favourable case, this can be the motivation to make an effort and achieve this. You try to be as good as you think the other person is. And as long as this is more associated with «eagerness» and the «addiction» does not get out of hand or is too extreme, this is definitely also a driver of human development.

Jürg Frick

4 When does sibling rivalry begin?

Rivalry can occur the day after the birth of a sibling. It may be that the older child immediately has the feeling that they now have to look after themselves and their rights better. However, rivalry only occurs much more frequently when the older child realises that their younger sibling is not a temporary event, but is actually staying. This is also when fantasies arise, some of which are articulated by the older children: «Can't we give the child back?»

Jan-Uwe Rogge

5 How does jealousy manifest itself?

The one form of rivalry that is of course most frequently noticed is the aggressive variant. The older child attacks the younger child and then gets attention from mum, dad, grandma, grandad or whoever. This is not pathological, but a means of restoring conditions that were thought to be lost.

The second form of rivalry is the reverse, the regressive form. This means that if the older child realises that their younger sibling is still being breastfed, fed and carried, this older child may take a step backwards in their development. For example, it no longer wants to sleep alone or be fed again. It becomes small again in order to get attention.

The third form is very, very often overlooked because no rivalry is suspected behind it. This is about the older siblings, who suddenly become quite reasonable. The older sibling is extremely gentle with the younger sibling, almost taking on the role of a mother, sometimes even a father.

These activities also naturally attract the attention of an older sibling. Parents should not simply notice these activities, whether aggressive, regressive or helping, but should recognise the message behind the actions.

Jan-Uwe Rogge

6 Some families seem harmonious, others often argue. Are there constellations in which children are more rivalling and argue more?

There are small statistical clues: If siblings are less than three years apart, they are statistically more likely to argue, is one. But in the end, it's not so much about how old the children are or what gender they are, but more about their temperament, the situation in the family and how its members deal with it.

Parents cannot prevent arguments. But they can teach children how to handle conflicts well.

For example, two children with calm, even temperaments are naturally less likely to argue with each other than two wilder children. The good news is: as a parent, you can always influence this.

You can't prevent arguments, but you can teach your children how to deal with conflicts well. They may not argue less often at first, but in the long run they will argue less violently, for less time and ultimately less often.

Nicola Schmidt, science journalist and bestselling author

7. are children with a calm temperament less jealous?

If a child deals openly with their feelings and is very impulsive, then jealousy is usually also clearly evident. However, this does not mean that quieter children are less jealous. For example, a child can simply withdraw out of jealousy or resign themselves and say: «I don't want this anyway, I can't do it.»

Temperament can therefore play a role in the expression of jealousy. It is also important to consider how temperament shapes a child's role in the family. Is the older child more extroverted or introverted? How do the parents react to explosive or aggressive behaviour, for example?

Jürg Frick

8 Where is the boundary between normal rivalry and intense jealousy?

We should keep reminding ourselves that competition and rivalry battles are completely normal. Sibling fights for position are important for social learning. The boundary between normality and exaggerated jealousy is fluid.

If there are power struggles that are not just a brief exchange of blows, but if one child systematically tries to harm the other, then this is an indication that the jealous child is insecure and needy. In such a sibling dispute, parents should question their own behaviour and interaction patterns.

Ursula Davatz, doctor, psychotherapist and systems therapist

9. are the younger or the older siblings particularly jealous?

You can't generalise like that. Children tend to be jealous when they feel that they are not getting what they need. This can be the biggest child because there are two smaller ones, but it can also be the middle child who is caught between the «great» big one and the needy little one.

The younger ones are jealous because the older ones are allowed to do more, get more and can already do everything, the older ones are often jealous because the younger ones are spared even more. My son was once really angry because he said that his sister got everything earlier than he did at the same age. And he was right!

She used to be allowed to eat sweets - he at two years old, she much earlier because I couldn't keep it from the big one and she didn't understand. She used to be allowed to watch other films - because he just wanted to see them, and where was I supposed to take my little sister? He thought that was mean. Then we chose something together with the little sister that only he was allowed to watch and she only when she was «old enough», and since then both of us have been happy again.

Nicola Schmidt

10. how much competition should parents allow?

Generally speaking, competitive comparisons are harmless when children are of roughly equal strength. However, if one child is very talented or developed at an early age in many areas and another is not, the comparison can lead to negative feelings of inferiority. It can then happen that jealousy becomes the all-dominant feeling. It then impedes the development of the affected child and their siblings and is referred to as pathological jealousy.

It makes sense for parents to pick up on slightly competitive behaviour and discuss it with older children: The focus should be on enjoying each other's positive character traits and strengths, for example supporting a thoughtful child in their reflections or offering an extroverted child space for their openness.

Joëlle Gut-Lützelschwab, psychologist specialising in psychotherapy, couple and family therapist

11. are there behaviours that can promote jealousy?

If you want children to reject and compete with each other, comparisons always work: «Your big brother is already so good at tidying his room. You're a little slob.» It also encourages jealousy when children are pushed into certain roles, for example, one child is «the sweet little one» and the other is «the wild bully».

Positive comparisons or judgements also encourage rivalry. Saying something like «Wow, you can tidy up so well, your sister can't» is difficult for both of them because it divides the children. Comparisons and role assignments generally create an incredible potential for rivalry and disputes among the children.

Nina Trepp, family counsellor

12. can parents also unconsciously encourage jealousy between children?

Rivalry and jealousy generally occur in all human relationships: in sibling relationships, in partnerships or friendships. Rivalry between siblings occurs even if the parents endeavour to treat each other lovingly.

We also know from many studies that although parents set out with the intention of loving their children equally or treating them equally, many parents fail to do so. It is quite common for parents not to realise when and how they are treating their children unequally.

The reasons for this vary: it may be that a child displays behaviour that bothers you. Sometimes parents are also unconsciously frustrated because a child is not displaying certain behaviours that you find quite important. For example, if parents are frustrated because a child tends to be anxious when playing sport and their sibling is super sporty, then the less sporty child feels this disappointment - even unspoken.

Jürg Frick

Children need to feel that they are treated fairly overall. Fair does not mean equal.

13. is there no sibling rivalry when parents treat their children equally?

It would not be a good solution if parents always treated their children in exactly the same way, because children do not need the same thing in every situation. Children need to feel that they are receiving an appropriate response in the situation they are in. They should have the feeling that they are being treated fairly overall. Fair does not mean equal.

Jürg Frick

14 What does it say about the family structure if a child is particularly jealous?

It says something about how the child feels in this family system, that they may feel inferior or neglected. However, this does not automatically mean that this is actually the case or that the parents have controlled it that way.

Many jealous reactions are also misunderstandings: Younger children do not understand why they are not allowed to stay up late, for example. The resulting jealousy then does not depend on parental behaviour.

Jürg Frick

15. are there typical rivalry phases?

With each developmental phase that a child goes through, a different form of rivalry can emerge. For example, when the younger child learns to walk and takes an interest in the older child's things, this can trigger the older child's need to protect and defend their area more strongly.

If the older sibling goes to nursery and the younger one stays at home, the older child may also fantasise: «They're just sending me away so they can stay at home on their own.»

Another phase begins when the older sibling starts school and the younger one stays at nursery: This is when feelings of dominance and «I can do so much more» very often arise in the older sibling.

The older child instigates the rivalry in a kind of self-valorisation. This has to do with the fact that they have to overcome some fears in order to take their own developmental step towards greater independence.

Jan-Uwe Rogge

16 Can sibling rivalry only start during puberty?

The rivalry already exists beforehand, but it does not manifest itself equally clearly in every phase. It can also take on a different dimension with the changes and insecurities of puberty. Sometimes the pubescent child develops feelings towards the younger sibling such as «She hasn't got a clue» or «He can't see through anything». This can lead to an attitude of disdain and a lack of appreciation.

This can come across as arrogant and can be quite annoying for those around you. However, it should not be about simply preventing the rivalry. This rivalry should be transformed into a productive perspective, into a constructive way of acting. Children learn from each other and about each other.

If the older sibling is encouraged to share his or her wealth of experience with the younger child from time to time and thus act as a kind of teacher, tutor, companion or companion for the younger child, then both will experience the appreciation and affirmation they need.

Jan-Uwe Rogge

17 How do you deal with a jealous 4-year-old, how do you deal with a jealous 14-year-old?

As a parent, I have to do justice to the developmental stage and the development of a child's autonomous personality. At any age, it is important to identify the needs behind the jealousy issue in children. It doesn't make sense to say to a 4-year-old: «You're already big, you can give in».

I then force the child into a role that they are not yet able to fulfil. As a counter-strategy to jealousy attacks, a 4-year-old child could, for example, go on more outings with a parent and have one-to-one supervision from time to time.

As parents or caregivers, you should always emphasise the strengths of each child.

The child then feels loved, recognised and respected again. With a 14-year-old, the concerns could also be listened to and the triggers and needs identified. Are there perhaps too many comparisons being made by other children, parents or other carers?

This could result in low self-esteem. As parents or caregivers, you should always emphasise the strengths of each child. Older children should be consciously given freedom and encouraged. If a teenager can take on responsibility and come home late on their own, for example, then this confidence boost promotes positive self-esteem.

Joëlle Gut-Lützelschwab

18 What do I do if my child acts aggressively out of jealousy?

In general, it makes sense that sibling rivalry does not always take place under parental supervision. If parents hear an argument from the next room, they are often willing to intervene immediately. However, older children in particular need the opportunity to learn to negotiate their conflicts themselves.

Age is crucial here: toddlers between the ages of one and two and a half are not yet able to resolve conflicts on their own and need a lot of guidance.

With older children, it helps if you have negotiated certain rules of engagement with them in advance. Of course, there are situations in which I have to intervene: If a situation becomes dangerous, someone could actually get hurt and a child is holding a pair of scissors in their raised hand, for example, I have to act immediately. However, it's all about the how. There is no point in condemning the aggressor in front of the victim and forcing them to make a superficial apology.

This leads to feelings of anger and revenge. In a dicey situation, you separate the children with a reason such as «Stop. Look, your sibling is crying. I'm going to take you apart for a moment». Then have a quiet conversation with your child in private.

The child should also feel that they are being supported in this conversation. You can say things like «That was difficult for you just now. How could you solve it differently next time if you want something?». It is important to offer your children alternatives instead of simply condemning them.

Nina Trepp

19 Is it possible that rivalry between children simply grows out of it?

As soon as a child realises that they are their own individual with their own strengths and receives a certain amount of affirmation, feelings of rivalry diminish. The focus is then often less on the position within the family and more on the outside, i.e. in the peer group, at school or in the club, for example.

In adolescence, the focus is more on others anyway, so that not only one's own family is used as a standard of comparison, but also the exploration of a wider environment. Feedback from peers and their recognition becomes more important than feedback from within the family, which can expand and change the definition of self-image. Taking up an apprenticeship can also have a positive impact on self-image and self-esteem.

Joëlle Gut-Lützelschwab

20 Are there also siblings who get along brilliantly throughout their lives without rivalry?

Of course, there are sibling relationships that are very harmonious. But even in such relationships there are jealousies and misunderstandings. This may not be so noticeable because they are not aired out loud and ultimately do not play a central role.

In hardly any sibling relationship do you always get on brilliantly throughout your life.

But in hardly any sibling relationship do people always get on brilliantly throughout their lives. This is not a shortcoming: it helps to realise that relationships can succeed despite difficulties. If parents are supportive, their children learn how to deal with relationship conflicts.

Jürg Frick

21 Are only children less affected by jealousy?

They can still have feelings of rivalry, you don't need siblings for that. It's enough if the parents or others around them compare them and assign them certain roles. Sentences like «Look, this great girl practises the cello for half an hour every day. And you never practise. If you played the cello like that other girl, you'd be much better».

If only children have very equally minded, conscious parents, then they simply have peace at home from the competitive society. But this reassurance can also come from having two, three or four siblings.

Nina Trepp

22 Are jealous children later jealous and perhaps even envious adults?

Jealousy within the sibling order does not necessarily lead to relationship anxiety in adulthood. However, both are based on low self-esteem. In other words, if I recognise my weaknesses in adulthood but see that my strengths outweigh them and therefore have a healthy self-worth, I don't have an exaggerated and therefore morbid fear that a colleague could oust me, a girlfriend could like me less or I could be replaced by a supposedly better, different, new partner.

If I have a healthy self-esteem as an adult, I'm not jealous for no reason.

I'm not jealous of my supposed rivals for no reason. I value the relationship as it is, but I also know that there are other partners, friends or even jobs that would suit me and that would value me.

Joëlle Gut-Lützelschwab

23 What can you do if you want to finally overcome the rivalry with your siblings as an adult?

If you carry this sibling rivalry from childhood into adulthood, it is always an indication that you have not yet found your own place. It may well be that you still have the feeling that your parents are more satisfied with your brother's or sister's path.

But you actually stop squinting at your siblings' successes when you have decided on a job and a lifestyle and are happy with it. If this is not the case, you should focus on yourself and your own self-esteem.

Ursula Davatz