«I was disqualified as a mother»

Mum, to be honest, I can hardly remember the time of your separation. Was there actually that «one» conversation in which you told my brother and me that you were separating?

There was a conversation, yes. But it wasn't even meant to be a break-up conversation, even though the daily arguments were getting to us all. After almost twenty years, we had simply developed differently. All I knew at the time was that I needed more space. We discussed and debated. And at some point you stood up and said: «Please, Mummy, go away!» You were 15.

Was it clear from the start that I would stay with Daddy?

You had already decided that. When I asked you what would happen to you if I moved out, you said: «My brother will go with you, I'll stay with my dad.» Your brother needed therapy and special support, your father wouldn't have been able to do that, you knew that. But you and he worked together. But it was important that it came from you.

Do you know why I wanted to stay with him?

You told me later in private: «I'll always have you, no matter what happens. I'll lose him if I don't stay with him.»

How did you react?

I am almost in despair that you have placed so much responsibility on yourself.

Despite my clear wish to stay with my father, you applied for custody of me.

That doesn't mean that I didn't respect your wishes. I just wasn't sure whether, at the age of 16, you were able to assess all the consequences of your decision.

How did you feel when my custody was awarded to Daddy?

Shitty. You can't imagine how much I was attacked by friends, relatives and work colleagues because I didn't seem to have fought hard enough for you. Nobody accepted that this was what you wanted. I was disqualified as a mother.

Was there a regulation regarding visiting rights?

There were, but you kept it the way you liked it right from the start. Sometimes you popped into my house every day, then you didn't show your face for a week. Your brother was at your father's every other weekend.

Did you notice how we got on?

You only told me selectively, but thanks to your brother's visits I was also aware of what was going on and how. I think your father did a good job, even if he turned into a bigger «gluggere» than I ever was. But he had to take responsibility for you from 0 to 100 per cent, which isn't easy. What was special was that you always told me what you had decided in your life - and I had absolutely nothing to say about it legally. It gave our relationship a different dimension. I was able to support you without having to bear the responsibility.

Looking back, would you do anything differently?

No. In that situation, it was the best thing for your brother and you, even if it was incredibly hard for me. That was 25 years ago now, and I'm afraid that not much has changed in people's minds since then. People still think that there is something wrong with the mother if a child lives with the father after separation, without knowing the exact circumstances. This stigmatisation of the mother's role is worrying, as many fathers are willing and able to take on this responsibility. With this solution, we have grown up as a family in the truest sense of the word.
Pictures: zVg

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