Pre-school children (up to 5 years old)
Children of this age cannot really grasp the concept of separation or divorce. That is why it is not helpful to explain why their parents are separating, as the late paediatrician Remo Largo writes in his book *Happy Children of Divorce *.
The sentence «Mummy and Daddy don't love each other any more» can cause anxiety in a young child – after all, Mummy and Daddy might suddenly stop loving them too. It is much more important to give specific explanations of how the child's daily life will change. For example: «Daddy is now living in a different flat. You can visit him there and play with him. Afterwards, you'll come back here.»
Psychological and family therapist Claudia Starke recommends illustrating the situation using figures or drawings. Picture books on the subject can also be helpful. Remo Largo advises against explaining too much, suggesting instead that parents let the children's questions guide the conversation. For young children, the fact that their parents are still there for them is more important than any explanation.
Primary school children (aged 6 to 12)
According to Remo Largo, even primary school children do not understand the concept of finite love. For them, love is timeless. That is why 6- to 12-year-olds do not need any explanation as to why their parents no longer love one another. A statement such as «We've had a lot of arguments and we don't want that to happen any more» can suffice as an explanation, as child and adolescent psychiatrist Thomas Hess says.
It is important to make it clear to your children: «It's not your fault. We're no longer a couple, but we'll always be your parents.»
Thomas Hess, child and adolescent psychiatrist
It is also important to convey to the children: «It's not your fault. We're no longer a couple, but we'll always be your parents.» You should also explain to the children in practical terms how their daily routine will change, when and where they will be living, what their journey to school will be like, and when they will still be able to see their friends. A clearly visible family planner can help with this.
Young people (aged 13 and over)
According to Remo Largo, it is only young people who can understand that love can be finite. They experience this for themselves when they fall in love for the first time. Similarly, during puberty, their own unconditional love for their parents gives way to a less intense emotional dependence. It is therefore possible to have an open conversation with young people about separation.
However, just as with younger children, it is first and foremost important for teenagers to understand exactly what the separation means for them. They also need to be more closely involved in decisions about where they will live. What they have already built up in their lives must be safeguarded for the future.
