Whenever I mention that I'm a teacher, I often get the pitying remark that it's not usually the children who cause problems, but the difficult parents who meddle in everything.
Yes, they do exist – those demanding mums and dads. Yet I remain convinced that, no matter how difficult the situation at school may be, parents are part of the solution. In my 25 years as a teacher, I have never met a mum or dad who, deep down, did not want the very best for their child.
Unfortunately, the relationship between schools and parents is often seen as gruelling, draining and frustrating. Both sides feel this way. Many parents tell me that they'll simply be glad when they no longer have anything to do with the school.
Teachers, for their part, are often relieved to have finally put certain parents behind them. This situation is extremely draining for both sides.
How parents and teachers can feel more connected
School is a compulsory community. Anyone who is unwilling or unable to home-school their child must accept the situation as it stands. This reality is both a hurdle and an opportunity.
How, then, should we deal with the fact that we live in an age in which each individual's uniqueness is becoming more pronounced and many aspects of school life no longer really fit the bill? How can this contradiction be resolved, or at least taken into account in the teacher-parent relationship to such an extent that both sides feel more understood and valued?
If a child is unable to do something at a particular stage, it causes a great deal of anxiety. This is usually unfounded.
Drawing on my own experience, let me highlight two aspects that make it difficult for many parents to build a relationship of trust with the school as an institution.
Firstly , there is the fear, familiar to us all , that a child might not have learnt something at the right time – and the worry about the possible consequences. Both schools and families have completely lost faith in children's natural learning processes. Whenever a child is unable, at a particular point in time, to do something that would be age-appropriate according to developmental standards, it causes great unease. Investigations are launched, specialists trained in special educational needs are called in, endless discussions take place, and so on.
Don't get me wrong. There are children who benefit from specialised support. But in most cases , one thing is needed above all else: the confidence that every person will learn , at exactly the right time, what is important and what matters. Just as it was in the beginning, when our children were learning to talk and walk. This takes time – which we actually have plenty of – and patience, which we adults often lack.
Bad memories of their own school days trigger many parents
Secondly, we need to be prepared to take a closer look. What do I mean by that? Sigmund Freud himself compared our personality to an iceberg: only a small part is visible and therefore conscious to us. The far larger part lies beneath the surface of the water and is beyond our reach.
All adults have a wide variety of memories associated with school. If these are positive, things are easier. If they are negative or even traumatic – which is often the case – working together becomes tricky. Yet parent-teacher meetings are, by their very nature, a sensitive matter. They are about the children and how they are getting on at school. Parents and teachers alike always want only the best.
In this sensitive setting, it is important to have the ability to gently articulate which unconscious factors are at play in a conversation. If I notice this during a conversation, I address it. Questions such as «Have I touched a sore spot?» or «Do you have any bad memories of school that are coming to the surface here?» can, given the right level of trust, take a conversation to a much more personal level.
The two aspects described play a key role time and again in our work with parents. The insights they provide could, in themselves, help to ease the situation and contribute to finding solutions. As a father of three and a teacher with many years’ experience, I am familiar with both the parents’ perspective and the school's perspective, so I would like to take this opportunity to address a few words to both groups.
Parents are a child's most important resource – even as they get older. They are their anchor.
What makes parents unique
I'll start with you, dear parents, because you are the most important people. You know your child inside out. You've held them through the night when they couldn't sleep, and later walked every single step alongside them. You know the excitement your child feels when they're allowed to learn something new, and you've been there when they've fallen flat on their face and had to get back up again.
I have always had great respect for parents. That respect grew even greater when my wife and I became parents ourselves 18 years ago. And it grew once more when we entrusted our children to the care of the school. It was only then that I realised just how much trust this first major step of letting go requires: the trust that one's own child will be well looked after by their teachers and within their class. Now that our children are teenagers and young adults, I have gained a whole new perspective on what it means to support children through their teenage years.
Parents are a child's most important resource – even as they get older. Parents are the anchor. If difficulties arise at school, the best way to help the child is for us as parents to stay calm, listen, and work together with the child – and, where possible, with the school – to find solutions.
If there are major issues, a clarifying discussion with the teacher can be very helpful, whether by telephone or in person. As a teacher, I appreciate it when parents ask, at such times, how we perceive a situation at school. Even when there are strong emotions involved. We teachers know that you are always closer to your child than we are, and that's a good thing. If teachers are allowed to explain their perspective, the door to finding solutions is wide open.
Clarity creates space
As a teacher, I experienced this when, some time ago, a boy felt humiliated by something I had said. His father rang me shortly afterwards. It was very helpful that he began by asking how I had perceived the situation at school. Because he wanted to hear my side of the story too, I was able to say openly that what I had said had hurt the boy and that I wanted to apologise to him for it.
At the same time, I was able to explain what I had meant by my comment and that I had certainly not intended to hurt the boy. If left unresolved, experiences like this linger and hinder any future collaboration. Once resolved, they create space for deeper relationships!
School is a place of learning that offers many opportunities, but it is also a reflection of society, with many challenges.
Remember, dear parents, that you know your child best. Sometimes it all gets too much and they simply need a break. A day or two at home to rest, and your child can recharge their batteries for life's challenges. It's entirely up to you!
School is a place of learning. It offers plenty of opportunities and the chance for unforgettable experiences. But it also presents many challenges, as it is a reflection of society. So many different people come together there. For us teachers, it is a Herculean task to reconcile everyone's needs whilst not losing sight of who we are in the process!
Thank you for bearing this in mind and for remaining respectful even when you find it hard to understand the teachers’ actions. Incidentally, this isn't always easy for me either, in my role as a father. I don't always manage to stay positive when the children talk about school. On several occasions, my wife has had to tell me off for speaking disparagingly about the school in front of our children.
How teachers can help
We mean well by the children; we want to do right by them. And yet we realise time and again that we can never do right by everyone.
Good intentions are often the opposite of what is actually good. Many parents tell me the same thing: that they felt patronised by the school and not treated with sufficient respect; that they were held responsible for the difficulties that arise at school.
The importance of working respectfully with parents is undisputed in schools. As teachers, we can also draw on our own experience. The vast majority of pupils go their own way. They go on to learn later on what they were not yet able to learn whilst at school – if they need to.
Book recommendation
Time and again, we see how former pupils develop and suddenly make great strides in their progress. This insight is of enormous help to us when working with parents. It gives us a head start in terms of experience, builds trust and helps us to support learning processes with patience.
If we can bring this calm and patience to parent-teacher meetings, it is extremely helpful. If we do not trust children's natural learning rhythms, we become desperate. And when under pressure, we often pass this on to the parents, leaving them feeling at a loss and isolated.
As teachers, we gain deep insights into family histories. If we are aware of this and treat the gift of these insights with care, then even in difficult situations, a whole host of possibilities suddenly opens up. Solutions emerge that parents can also support!
Finding solutions together
When parents and their children are going through a difficult time, the openness shown by us teachers can be of immense help. When we share challenging experiences we've had with our own children with parents, it creates that supportive sense of «we're all in this together». For example, I found it much easier to encourage parents to seek parenting advice when I told them how I had already benefited from it, both personally and professionally.
In the debate on cooperation between schools and parents, I hope there will be plenty of openness and courage to find suitable ways forward.
For several years now, at the start of every parent-teacher meeting, I have been expressing how delighted I am that the child is part of the class. I have had some very positive experiences with this. It is sometimes as if a veil of tension hanging over the parents and the child is lifted. This opens the door for us to move forward together, even when things aren't going smoothly and solutions aren't immediately obvious.
In the whole debate about parental involvement in schools , I hope we can show a great deal of openness and courage in working with parents to find suitable approaches and then put them into practice. Let us also bear in mind that the fear and lack of trust described at the beginning are, above all, a matter for adults. We must allow the children to step away from this focus from time to time.
Parents and teachers can take a moment to reflect on themselves, explore their fears and discover what helps them to feel more confident!
