«Help, the daughter's girlfriend is extremely jealous!»

One question - three opinions
Our daughter's friend, 8, is extremely possessive. When she plays with another girl, her friend makes her jealous. She wants to have her all to herself. Our daughter is visibly suffering from this situation. What should we do?
Here's what our team of experts has to say:
Stefanie RietzlerDer Exklusivitätsanspruch auf die «beste Freundin» sorgt gerade in Mädchenfreundschaften immer wieder für Streit. Vor der Eifersucht der Freundin bewahren können Sie Ihr Kind nicht. Aber Sie können die Tochter begleiten, indem Sie Verständnis dafür zeigen, dass das eine schwierige Situation ist und sie sich innerlich zerrissen fühlt, wenn die Freundin eifersüchtig reagiert. Vielleicht möchten Sie Ihre Tochter dazu an­regen, von Zeit zu Zeit etwas zu dritt zu unternehmen, und ihrer Freundin zeigen, dass diese auch Platz hat, wenn noch ein anderes Kind dabei ist. Es kann aber sein, dass Letzteres nicht funktionieren wird.
Stefanie Rietzler
The claim to exclusivity over the «best friend» always causes arguments, especially in girl friendships. You can't protect your child from her friend's jealousy. But you can support your daughter by showing understanding for the fact that this is a difficult situation and that she feels torn inside when her friend reacts jealously. You may want to encourage your daughter to do something together from time to time and show her friend that there is room for her when there is another child around. However, the latter may not work.
Peter SchneiderSie können wohl nur indirekt helfen, letztlich muss Ihre Tochter diesen Konflikt allein ausfechten. Aber Sie können ihr zuhören, wenn sie von ­diesem Problem mit der Freundin erzählt; sie können ihr dabei helfen, sich nicht ­allzu sehr von der Eifersucht der Freundin drangsalieren zu lassen – solche Dinge halt. Was nicht gut kommt: wenn Sie mit der Freundin direkt reden. Damit untergraben Sie genau die Auto­nomie, welche die Freundin Ihrer Tochter nicht ­zugestehen mag.
Peter Schneider
You can probably only help indirectly, ultimately your daughter will have to deal with this conflict on her own. But you can listen to her when she talks about this problem with her friend; you can help her not to let herself be bullied too much by her friend's jealousy - things like that. What's not good is if you talk to your girlfriend directly. This undermines the very autonomy that the girlfriend doesn't want your daughter to have.
Nicole Althaus
Encourage your daughter that she can also play with other children. Your friend needs to learn that you don't own people like a doll or a bike. And that sharing can be fun. Perhaps invite a few of your daughter's friends home on a free afternoon and encourage the children to play a group game. However, if the friend's jealousy doesn't diminish, your daughter will have to think about what such a friendship is worth to her.


Our team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 51, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag", columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger.ch" and was editor-in-chief of "wir eltern". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist, author ("Geborgen, mutig, frei", "Clever lernen") and runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich.
www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
Peter Schneider, 62, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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