«Help! I don't even know why I'm crying anymore»

Hello,

I don't know if I'm in the right place with my problem. My problem is that the mask I have built up over the years is slowly crumbling and sometimes I just sit there and cry. I just cry and don't know why... Unfortunately, I can't even think about sleeping at the moment because I'm dreaming snot... I hope you can follow me and maybe help me, because I'm starting to worry about how much further I can go and whether anyone can help me at all!

Dear Leyla,

Thank you for your email and for your confidence in addressing your questions so openly. It's really great that you are so brave and are seeking help. My name is Luci, I'm your online counsellor. I would like to work with you to see how your situation could improve. You tell me that you feel that you have built up a mask that is starting to crumble. This is bothering you and you are crying because of it. What exactly do you feel is not really real? Would you like to describe this in a little more detail? That would help me to understand you even better. Most people put on masks in life. That's common. I think it's great that you're setting out to actually be true to yourself, just as you are. That's where happiness lies hidden.
You also write that you don't sleep much because you have bad dreams. Would you like to talk a little about your dreams? Sometimes the subconscious draws attention to things through dreams. Dreams are good helpers, so to speak, even if they sometimes feel bad. So if you want to and can, tell us a little more about it.
You ask if there is help for you. Yes, definitely. It's exactly right that you ask for help. It's a really good path you've taken and talking about your worries. This can change your life. If you like, you are welcome to write to me again. I would be very happy to hear from you and will write back within 3 days.
Best regards Luci

Hello Luci,

Firstly, thank you very much for your answer and your effort 🙂
I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by «What exactly do you feel isn't really real?». I can only give you a brief insight into why I built myself a mask. I had leukaemia when I was five and I was already pretending. I didn't want to cause my mum any more harm/fear by telling her how I really felt. And it's still like that today (...) because I don't want to worry my parents...

And what about my sleep? It starts with the fact that I can't fall asleep because I can't get any rest in my body. A very good friend brought me valerian tablets and I've been fine since then. But my nightmares are still there! Most of the dreams are about the hospital. But there are also dreams that really scare me. 🙁 For example, one of my horror dreams was that I walked onto the railway tracks. When the train came I changed my mind and I wanted to get back down and was stuck, I couldn't get away and when the train was very close I woke up. My heart was racing, I was sweating like after a ten-kilometre run and my whole body was shaking. And there are also lots of other dreams in which I jump off houses or buildings and fly for what feels like an eternity until I wake up again, drenched in sweat.
PS: I can write about my problems, but I can't talk about them or try to distract myself from the topic...
LG Leyla

Dear Leyla,

Thank you for the insight you have given me and for the detailed descriptions. It helps me to understand you better. You say that you had leukaemia when you were 5 years old. At that time, you had already started to put on a mask. You didn't want to worry or scare your mum. On the one hand, this is of course great for your mum. On the other hand, it means that you keep all your worries inside you. Over time, this overtaxes your strength and so it's no wonder that your subconscious speaks up with tears or dreams. I simply think that your subconscious wants to take good care of you and uses tears and dreams to draw your attention to the fact that it is not beneficial for you to push everything into yourself. The things that are weighing you down accumulate in your subconscious and push outwards uncontrollably. How do you see this?

That's why it's exactly right of you to open up and start talking about it. I think that's really strong! It's particularly common behaviour among girls that they don't want to be a burden to anyone. This is already unconsciously instilled in them through their upbringing. This leads to «women» conforming and not admitting how they really feel. It is very commendable that you are protecting your mum, but you should also find a way to think about yourself a little more. Could you imagine doing that?

You write that it's not possible for you to talk about how you feel at the moment. Writing is more possible. Would it be conceivable for you to do a writing task? This could relieve your subconscious somewhat. If you'd like, I can send you a self-help task that you can use from time to time to get everything that's bothering you off your chest. Perhaps that would be a step you could take? Would you like to try it out to see if it relieves you?
How are you feeling at the moment because of the leukaemia? What would you like most at the moment? (...)
Kind regards Luci

Dear Luci,

I can imagine that my subconscious is simply trying to show me that it's no longer possible. But I'm 17 now and it's worked all these years. I've always done everything on my own, but now all of a sudden I can't do it anymore. What you don't know yet (I'm sorry): Six months ago, my dreams were like I was banging my fist against the wall in my sleep and I didn't even realise it. And even then I couldn't tell my mum the truth... (...)

I think the writing assignment is a good idea. My friend (...) told me six months ago that I should go to a psychologist. (...) But I just can't imagine it. (...)

My leukaemia was over ten years ago now and although I have to go for annual check-ups, I've never had to go back to hospital. At the time, I had a 20 per cent chance of survival and was treated with chemotherapy. I no longer have any restrictions. (...) My doctors always say that I'm a medical miracle, because I shouldn't even be able to walk.
And my greatest wish at the moment? That I get back to a normal psychological state. Because I did a psychological test on the internet for fun and it came up with something about severe depression and that I should urgently seek help...

LG Leyla 🙂

Dear Leyla,

You are so kind and considerate towards your mum, it's incredible and admirable that you have had the strength to do this for so long. I think it's also a development of growing up that you can no longer repress everything. I see the fact that repression no longer works as a positive development. (...) You also write that you want to return to a normal psychological state. You're already on the right track because you've opened up and started talking about it. It's really great that your girlfriend is also talking to you about it and supporting you. (...)

But now to the promised self-help task. You can process repressed feelings and emotions quite well if you give them attention and a framework in which they can express themselves. To start with, I would advise you to write a letter. You could write a letter to your mum. Don't worry, you won't give her the letter. The letter will be an opportunity to open your heart, so to speak, and put into words what moves you. You can freely and openly write down everything you feel and how you feel. In this way, the unprocessed gets attention and begins to reorganise itself. This is the first step in letting go and can relieve your subconscious.

It is best to carry out the task when you have enough free time and can still dwell on your thoughts afterwards. (...) Start by addressing your mum in a way that suits you. And then write to her that you simply haven't been able to talk to her all these years because....
Tell her that you have put up a front in front of her and that it is now making you unhappy. Describe one or two situations to her and write about what they were actually like for you and how they made you feel. For example, you could write to her about how you experienced the period of illness and how you are feeling now. Write down all your fears and worries about the illness and how important it is and always has been for you to go easy on her. (...) If it suits you, tell her that you are sorry that you can't tell her the truth. And then thank your mum for everything she has already done for you. (...) Read through your letter again at the end, perhaps you would like to add something else, and then tear it up into small pieces and dispose of it. If you like, you can do this task again and again when new memories and feelings come to the surface.

Could you imagine trying out this self-help task in this form or something similar? I'm curious to hear how you get on with it. If writing triggers one or two thoughts or feelings in you, then allow it to happen. This is the beginning of your path to yourself. Take as much time as you need. If you like, you are welcome to write to me again in between. I would be very happy if you let me know how you are doing with this task (...)
Kind regards Luci

Dear Luci,

I've now tried the task with the letter what feels like thousands of times, but every time I get to the point of writing when I've used my mask, I can't continue writing. I have tears in my eyes, I'm shaking, and the tears mean I can't look at the paper and continue writing... What do you think I should do now? 🙁

And how am I doing otherwise? Honestly? Really shitty... I don't feel like doing anything, I always feel totally down. 🙁 And some days I doubt that it was a good thing that I got well... Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't made it back then, and then I wouldn't have the problem today with the fear of getting ill again! But I don't really want to have these thoughts, because I know they're not good (...) 🙁
Can you help me somehow or is this normal?

LG Leyla

Dear Leyla,

Thank you for your feedback. It's great that you took on this task and tried so hard. Even if it doesn't seem to have brought you the desired success straight away, you have still been able to gain experience. This experience will help you to better assess your situation and to adapt the next steps accordingly.

You have tried the task several times. I think you are very diligent and conscientious. That's really great. You had the same result every time. You say that when you get to the point where you've used your mask, you can't continue writing because you're shaking and have tears in your eyes. I think you are very close to yourself as a child, let's call her Leyla5 (the 5 stands for the estimated age). You say that you can't continue writing at this point because the pain is pressing down and you're wondering what you could do.

Is it the case that Leyla5 is the little girl inside you who was very scared at the time and was actually unable to cope well and thoroughly with the illness and the fear?

It's more normal than unusual that you can't process such difficult life events well at such a young age, because you can't yet see things clearly.
I understood you to mean that you would like little Leyla to take off her mask. If you meet Leyla5 again and have to cry and tremble, I would advise you to do the following. First of all, give her your sympathy. Imagine this child in your mind's eye. Perhaps you can take her in your arms a little in your imagination and then start talking to her. Say something like this to her in your mind: «Dear Leyla, I can understand so well that you have to cry and are scared. It is very normal for a child to be afraid of such a stressful illness. (Try to use suitable words to describe the fear, how it feels or has felt and express the strength of your fear, e.g. MegaFear or similar)... Keep talking to her in this way until she calms down. Then say something like, "Leyla, I can understand so well that you put on a mask. It was the only option available to you at that age and it seemed helpful to you.» Say to her: «You did exactly the right thing. I'm not angry with you for putting on a mask.» You can say to her, if you like, that she was very brave during this time. And then promise her that you want to take care of her and help her deal with her old worries. Maybe you can even smile at her a little. And if you can, ask her what you could do for her, maybe she will send you another hint of what she would like.

Would you like to continue and try this out to get in touch with little Leyla a little more? Do you dare to do this on your own? You can stop this exercise at any time if it is bothering you and write me back quickly if something is bothering you.

Regarding your current situation, you say that you feel bad, listless and depressed. You write that you doubt whether it was a good thing that you got well. You also say that you are now struggling with the fear of falling ill again. This is not an easy situation to find yourself in and I can well understand that you are struggling to cope with such a previous illness. Have you received a prognosis from the doctor about the likelihood of the leukaemia returning? Or is it impossible to predict?

On the other hand, it's also the case that ultimately no one has health for themselves. Perhaps that will give you a little comfort. Ultimately, you probably can't rule out the possibility of the illness returning, but you can reduce the risk and improve the conditions. If you reduce the stress that you are still carrying around with you from back then, so to speak, this will relieve you and benefit your health and your immune system. This is another reason why it is a very good thing that you have started to take care of what is calling for help in your subconscious.

I would be delighted if you would write back and tell me whether you would like to work a little further with this task. I wish you all the best.
Best regards Luci

Hello Luci,

I just can't manage the task with little Leyla. I can't talk to her... It's like a block inside me that just won't allow me to have this idea. 🙁 Is there anything I can do to make it work on my own? Because now and like this I just can't do it...

And no, my doctor didn't say anything in this regard... He just said that the illness could come back any day. And where you're also right is that I realise myself that due to my stress and the way I'm feeling at the moment, my immune system is no longer what it used to be. I just feel weak at the moment...

LG Leyla

Dear Leyla,

Nice of you to write back and tell us how you are doing. You say that you are not yet able to make contact with little Leyla. Can you describe this in more detail, what you mean, how it feels for you and how I could imagine it?

You write that the doctor told you that the illness could return at any time. I can imagine that this is not easy for you to live with. You're currently feeling tired. Are you under a lot of stress at work at the moment? Are you sensitive to the weather? Sometimes vitamin deficiency can also make you feel weak. Could that possibly be a reason?

I look forward to hearing from you again.
Kind regards Luci

Hello Luci 🙂

This feeling is like standing in front of a wall and not being able to get any further. 🙁 Or when you stand in front of a door and don't dare to go in... When I start thinking about it, I start shaking and immediately have tears in my eyes again. It might sound daft to hear someone say that you start crying every time you do something stupid. But that's how it is for me at the moment. :/ No matter what task you do. 🙁

At work, it's pleasant stress. I work as an FSJ volunteer (editor's note: a voluntary social year) on a paediatric ward and I'm often glad to be able to go to work so I don't have to think so much... The vitamin deficiency thing sounds all well and good, but in my opinion I eat enough vitamins. It's also the case that I don't even feel like doing great things... I'm just completely listless and listless.

LG Leyla

Dear Leyla,

Thank you for your feedback. You write that you can't do the tasks I suggested because it's stressful for you. It's exactly right that you should stop when you realise that it's not working or when it puts you under stress. What do you think, would it be good for you to have someone on site who works with you therapeutically?

If you can't see yourself going to therapy at the moment, you could wait a while longer. You could also do it when you are a bit more mature and independent.

You also write that you have a pleasant stress at work. Is that in a hospital? I think it's great that you're taking on this challenge. Really strong! Do you already have plans for what you want to do after the FSJ?
You say that you are listless and tired. Do you always go to your GP for your leukaemia check-ups or do you go somewhere special? I would advise you to tell the doctor that you feel listless when you see him again. Then the doctor could rule out the possibility that the tiredness and listlessness are related to the leukaemia. When are you going for another check-up?

I look forward to hearing from you again.
Kind regards Luci

Hello Luci,

I've already thought about therapy or something like that, because things can't go on as they are. But I don't dare ask anyone for help. My supervisor from the FSJ also offered me the option of contacting the street workers in our town. But I don't dare write to them either...

And yes, I work in the hospital in our town. And after my FSJ I also want to train as a paediatric nurse.

The check-up is once a year and the next one isn't until July. I don't know if the slap has anything to do with it... but I've already gone to my GP with it and she gave me a referral to a psychologist. And in the next sentence she said that I wasn't allowed to look after children with therapy. And that's another reason why I don't dare 🙁

LG Leyla

Dear Leyla,

Thank you for your email. You say that you've been feeling tired for a while and have already told your GP. She then gave you a referral to a psychologist. I take this to mean that she has no reason to suspect a physical cause for your fatigue. That's a positive sign that there's nothing to fear from the illness. Really good.
She told you at the time that you weren't allowed to look after children if you were undergoing therapy. I don't think you can generalise like that. In one case or another, it can be the case that you're not very resilient and can't take on that kind of responsibility. You have to decide that on a case-by-case basis. The therapist would then assess this together with you, if that were the case.

I would encourage you to take the step of looking for a psychologist or therapist. Do you think that would work?
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Kind regards Luci

Hello Luci,

I apologise for not getting in touch for so long. A lot has happened in the last few months. And I just wanted to bring you up to date. I've sought help, but not from a psychologist or therapist, but from a street worker. I had a long chat with the street worker last week. And afterwards I wasn't sure whether it was a good decision. But after I had a very expressive discussion with my mum, I'm even more sure that I'll accept the help. I will also meet with her again later this week. I hope it helps and I can avoid going to the psychologist. Because this idea is still an absolute horror ... :/

MfG Leyla

Dear Leyla,

Nice of you to let me know. (...) I think it was very responsible of you to seek help locally. Really great! The street workers are also psychologically trained and, in my opinion, can certainly help you a little further.
You also write that you had a heated discussion with your mother and that this was also the deciding factor in your decision to accept the help of the street workers. I think you can always go to a psychologist later if you need to. This option is always open to you. But maybe that's a good thing to do with the street workers. It's definitely worth giving it a try. And you can always tell whether it's a good thing by whether a relationship of trust develops between you and the street worker. I wish you this with all my heart.
I am happy for you that you have found a solution for now. If you wish, you can now complete the final questionnaire. I will send you the link below. You can always write to me again afterwards if you want to or if you have any questions. I would be delighted if you could write to me again when the help from the street worker is complete and tell me about it.
I wish you a good time and all the best for you.

Best regards Luci

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