Foster child Shana: She immediately trusted her new parents

Long-term memory is only formed in the second year of life. That's why Shana has hardly any memories of her baby days. The 13-year-old fills in the gaps with the help of the photo album that her mother created with snapshots from back then. Shana on the crawling blanket, Shana in the buggy. Lovely shots, a perfect world. But the pictures only tell part of the story. If the girl could remember, she would probably be overwhelmed by the sometimes contradictory impressions that looking back would bring with it.

Painful memories

Fatima, Shana's mum, on the other hand, has not forgotten a single moment. It's all still there, engraved in her soul: the beautiful moments, but also the memory of the fear, despair and hopelessness she felt back then, over 13 years ago. The now 48-year-old came to Switzerland at the end of the 1980s to live with her Swiss husband. The Moroccan woman was soon working as a translator. The marriage failed. When a new partner came into Fatima's life, she became pregnant and was looking forward to the child. However, the father-to-be disappeared from the scene.
The stresses and strains of Shana's birth and the first few weeks alone with the newborn threw the young woman off balance. She could no longer sleep or eat, waking day and night at the baby's bedside. Asthma attacks, panic attacks and the constant fear of no longer being able to be there for her child. She only realised later that these were also symptoms of severe postpartum depression.

Voluntary time out

Fatima got help. Unfortunately, the measures did not work as hoped. The mother lovingly cared for her child, but she herself seemed to disappear before the eyes of others. After a year and a half, a family counsellor suggested a kind of time-out. The little girl could be placed in a children's home for a few days so that Fatima could get back on her feet. Mind you, this was on a voluntary basis, without an order from the authorities. There was actually only one person who doubted Fatima's abilities as a mum, and that was herself. Although she was assured that she could take her child back at any time, she was afraid of losing Shana. Letting go, taking a deep breath, gaining confidence in her own abilities - it wasn't that easy.

Fatima visited her child at the home, spent a lot of time with her, but always returned home to recharge her batteries. Could this be a sustainable model for the future? Someone brought up the term «foster parents». Perhaps Fatima could share the role of parent with other people. The mother thought about it. What would the child say if she could speak?

Desire to have children

While the single parent was trying to find the best solution, Lilly Kahler and Roger Gyger on the other side of town were also endeavouring to look ahead. After medical examinations, they knew that their wish for biological children would not be fulfilled. Nevertheless, the adult educator and the school social worker looked to the future. When the couple enquired about the possibility of adoption, the keyword «foster parenthood» also came up. Lilly Kahler and Roger Gyger were open to this option, especially as he had also been fostered as a child. As they wanted to share their lives with a child, they applied to become foster parents at the Zurich Specialist Centre for Foster Children.

The child's mother wanted open-minded, tolerant carers for Shana.

A happy coincidence?

It's hard to say whether it was a coincidence or whether an attentive member of staff recognised how well the families fit together - at least on paper. In any case, the couple were suggested to Fatima as possible foster parents. The child's mother wanted cosmopolitan, tolerant carers for her daughter. As the first meeting had gone well, Fatima took the next step. Now Shana was to get to know Lilly and Roger. While the adults continued to get to know each other, the then two-year-old, who was normally rather reserved, had had enough of the elegant reserve and played with the prospective foster parents as if she had known them for years.
At a third meeting, Shana was then allowed to spend a few hours in a strange household. She promptly fell asleep there. A huge vote of confidence. When the employee at the specialist centre asked Fatima if she wanted to meet any other candidates, she shook her head. Why would she? It was more than obvious that Shana had made up her mind.

An unusual model

The little girl from back then has long since become a teenager. Shana has had two centres of life for eleven years: On weekdays, she lives with Lilly and Roger, where she goes to neighbourhood school, and at weekends she lives with her mum. Sometimes things are different, then the weekend belongs to the foster parents or everyone does something together.
Shana, Fatima, Lilly and Roger are a family. The unusual model works. But it is not a sure-fire success. With the ongoing support of the staff at the relevant agencies, the adults have realised how important it is to talk to each other. Not only about the child, but also about their own values, experiences and expectations. The more accurately everyone can assess what and how the others involved think, the better.
The transitions when Shana «changes» families are something special. One side has to let go and trust, while the other promises to do their best. When Fatima was diagnosed with breast cancer some time ago, she knew one thing: no matter what the future would bring, Shana was and is in the best hands with Lilly and Roger.

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You can find more exciting articles about foster families in our June/July 2017 issue. Order the issue here!