Do children make you happy or stressed?

1. multitasking

Parents are masters at doing a thousand things at the same time. But this skill, which you automatically learn when you become a mum or dad, has its pitfalls. At least if you believe the labour market analysis that the German Trade Union Confederation regularly produces. In it, 65 per cent of the 5,000 people surveyed said that multitasking was their greatest source of stress. Having to juggle several projects and tasks at the same time is particularly nerve-wracking. Neurologists confirm that our brains are not designed for this. A study by Stanford University led by researcher Clifford Nass found that multitaskers had consistently poorer mental performance than people who only focus on one thing at a time.

Parents are masters at getting a thousand things done at the same time.

2. childcare

Switzerland is a wasteland in this respect. If you want to work with a child, you can only do so if the grandparents help out or your wallet is wide open. 67 per cent of childcare costs have to be borne by the parents after deduction of tax: That is the bitter truth. Switzerland penalises everything that does not correspond to the traditional model of a family household. You either have to put up with it - or emigrate!

3. tiredness

Tired full-time is the crux of the matter for all parents. Initially, when the baby wants to be breastfed every two hours. Later, when the bad dreams come. Then it's growing pains, experiences and fears that need to be dealt with. The change in sleeping habits during puberty, the wait until the teenage daughter finally comes home. Not forgetting the various illnesses that have to be overcome. And the personal stress that makes you sleepless. At some point, you get to the point where you can no longer get to sleep. Unfortunately, fathers and mothers cannot escape these moments of utter exhaustion and loneliness. A small consolation: everyone who has children knows these moments. And only they understand the magnitude of this experience - in every respect.

4. external determination

The flexibility of adult life ends abruptly with the birth of the first child. No more spontaneous city trips, eating out in trendy restaurants only sporadically, little or no sex. Instead: Holidays in the Reka village, meals in the pizzeria. On Sunday, the parents' diaries are synchronised and the tasks for the coming days are assigned - a management challenge. Not fun! So do children and the rhythm they impose on us actually make us unhappy?

Children not only impose their rhythm on you, they also transform the identity of their parents.

The findings of happiness researchers (such as Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge) prove that children do not actually make you happy. People who have children tend to be unhappy in the early years. The happiness curve rises again during the school years before it plummets completely during puberty. Many parents are only really happy again once their offspring have left home. However, happiness philosophers such as Wilhelm Schmid say that parents are more likely to experience the «happiness of abundance», a kind of holistic happiness in which extreme experiences are made, not only joy but also pain. In other words, living through many highs and a few lows, which can at best be seen as an experience. Having children gives people a lot of valuable things that contribute to happiness.

5. self-abandonment

Children not only impose their rhythm on you, they also bring with them a change of identity. The birth of a child means that both men and women experience themselves in a new role and this role becomes a new part of their identity. Women have this experience earlier, and it is perhaps more pronounced through pregnancy and breastfeeding. It would be completely crazy to ignore this experience. Mothers are the same people as before. Nevertheless, they find it particularly difficult to pay attention to their own needs and admit to themselves that things are getting too much. If we are busy all day trying to please our boss, colleagues and children, there is a risk of neglecting ourselves. This may work for a while, but over the years it makes you unhappy - and lonely, because you don't tell anyone about your hardship. Many parents have had good experiences with setting aside one evening a week for themselves. If you have energy, you can meet friends. If you lack energy, you can watch series in peace or go to bed early. The main thing is to give yourself some attention, in whatever form.

More on the topic of compatibility:

• The lie of compatibility
  Anyone who has children and wants a career pays a high price - especially as a woman. Mothers are torn between family and career. Because the much-cited compatibility of family and career means one thing above all: a lot of stress. A demystification. read more

• Mrs Tazi-Preve, how are children and a career compatible?
  Irene Mariam Tazi-Preve paints a gloomy picture of the compatibility of career and family. The Austrian family researcher talks about the economy as the enemy of the family, the future importance of raising children in society and why the call for more female workers has nothing to do with equality. read more

This text was published as part of our dossier on reconciling work and family life. Read all the texts in issue 11/16, which you can order here.