Imagine your child makes a mistake and isn't afraid of the consequences. Let's try a thought experiment: think back to your school days. Perhaps you once had to go to the headteacher's office because you'd broken a rule. What feelings does that bring to mind? Now imagine that conversation begins with the words: «You matter to me and I'm responsible for you.» What might that make possible?
This is precisely where the question of authority comes in for me. As a headteacher, I find myself asking it time and again. Especially when I have to decide how to respond to difficult situations.
When courage is no longer worth it
Mael is in secondary school. When a conflict arises in class, he plucks up all his courage and raises the issue at the class council meeting. He had practised this with his mum at home. It took a great deal of effort on his part, as Mael doesn't always feel at ease at school and often has difficult experiences.
As expected, the incident is discussed in class, and one child is subsequently given a written warning by the teacher. A few days later, Mael is also given a written warning on the grounds that he too has broken the class rules. He can't make sense of it all and goes home in tears.
What remains? Perhaps the quiet realisation that it is better to say nothing.
Children learn best when they feel secure and are allowed to see mistakes as part of their learning process.
John Hattie, educational researcher
Between punishment and responsibility
Situations like these repeatedly raise the same question for us as a school: how should we respond? The simplest approach is often obvious: punish, take firm action, impose consequences. But when I look more closely and take research findings into account, a different picture emerges. Educational researcher John Hattie demonstrates how crucial relationships, trust and a positive learning environment are for children's development. Children learn particularly well when they feel safe and are allowed to experience mistakes as part of their learning journey.
The psychologist Haim Omer describes «New Authority» as a concept that addresses precisely this: presence rather than power; self-control rather than control over others; connection rather than distance; responsibility rather than punishment; appreciation and reconciliation.
This attitude presents a challenge for us as adults. It requires us to pause, regulate our own behaviour and not react impulsively.
A different approach
Some time ago, our school found itself in a difficult situation. A pupil in the upper school had threatened another child so severely that the child no longer wanted to come to school. The school had to take action.
Instead of punishing him straight away, we sought to talk things through. I made it clear that violence would not be tolerated. At the same time, I said: «You matter to me and I am responsible for you. And I am also responsible for the other children and their well-being.» Together with the teachers, we discussed the incident with the young person. We helped him recognise his strengths and showed him that we believed he was capable of behaving differently.
If we stay calm, keep our composure and don't react immediately, we help the children to calm down too.
Then there was silence. The young person was given time to find a way to make amends. Those present supported him in this. He decided to offer a personal, written apology. The class teacher and I closely supervised the process.
There were no further incidents until he left. The pupil and I continued to have pleasant encounters in the school building after that; our relationship had actually grown stronger as a result of the incident.
A second example from everyday school life
Younger children also ask us similar questions. For example, during break time, a group of primary school children left the school grounds without permission and headed towards a shop. As headteacher, I could have reacted quickly and imposed a punishment. I made a conscious decision not to.
While talking to the children, I explained my responsibilities and asked them why this rule exists. They were able to explain it very clearly: safety, setting an example, and looking after younger children. I then asked how we could make amends for this situation. The answer came straight away from the group. One child suggested helping out during break time supervision as a way of taking on responsibility.
At that very moment, something crucial happens. Children realise they can make a difference. They take on responsibility and grow as a result.
Neurodiversity and authority
We are all familiar with the many terms we come across in our everyday lives at school and at home. ADHD, ASD, PDD or high sensitivity are just a few of them. Behind these terms are children who often feel, react or act with particular intensity.
It is particularly important to handle authority with great care when dealing with children who find it difficult to regulate themselves, pause for a moment or control their behaviour. In my work as a teacher and headteacher, I have seen time and again just how crucial the attitude of adults is. If we remain calm, regulate ourselves and do not react immediately, we help the children to calm down too. Our self-control becomes a source of support for their own self-regulation.
Lasting change does not come about through fear, but through relationships and a sense of responsibility. For this to succeed, schools and parents must keep the lines of communication open.
And yet, an important task remains. These children, too, need guidance. They need to learn to follow rules and take responsibility. The key difference often lies in how they are allowed to learn these things. When children experience that they can make a difference, that they are taken seriously and that they are trusted to do better, a sense of self-efficacy develops . And it is precisely this experience that can be the key for them.
Parents and schools caught in a dilemma
I fully understand why parents want clear consequences in difficult situations. Worry, uncertainty and sometimes even anger are understandable reactions, especially when it is one's own child who is affected. At the same time, it is repeatedly shown that lasting change does not come about through fear, but through relationships and responsibility. For this to succeed, cooperation is essential. Schools and parents must keep the lines of communication open. Parents should be involved and understand why the school is taking such action.
I am going through this process myself. I am learning, questioning and developing. The big challenge is for the school to define an internal ethos that is embraced by everyone, so that we can then communicate this ethos to parents as a whole school. For me, authority is not a fixed concept, but a journey.
Imagine once again the situation described at the start. Your child makes a mistake. And instead of being punished straight away, they find someone who stays by their side. Someone who takes responsibility. Someone who believes they can do better.
What would that mean for your child? Perhaps that is precisely the kind of authority our children need today.
