Are you still having sex or do you already have children?

Shrunken sex drive

Nora, 43, a nurse, and Philipp, 47, a doctor, have been a couple for almost 20 years. They have three children together. The stress of everyday life and organisation is very hard for them. They both want more sex, especially Nora. She doubts that her husband still desires her because he simply no longer takes the initiative.

Philipp: I would never have dreamed that I would no longer feel like having sex. My sex drive has totally dwindled. Since I started my own business, I've been working even more than usual - 80 hours is no exception. Plus the fear that I won't be able to support my family. A new business like this is always associated with risk. I know that the job stress is not ideal and is not good for me. I fall asleep on the sofa in front of the television and have no nerves for my children. That gets me down. My wife acts as if it's all down to me that we hardly sleep together any more. That doesn't exactly take the pressure off. Tell me, Nora, when was the last time?

Nora: On New Year's Eve. We were child-free.

Philipp: What, so long, that can't be!

Nora: Yes, I can't remember the last time you had the hots for me.

Philipp: That's rubbish, and the fact that you think that really stresses me out. I already have the feeling that there's something wrong with me. When I ask around my circle of friends, I get the impression that none of them are as turned off as I am.

Nora: We simply don't have the time. We're just on the go, and the week is so busy that I feel like a remote-controlled alien. Even though I'm more in a cuddly mood in the evening, sometimes I'd love to sleep with you, but I can't bring myself to make the first move because I'm so tired myself.

Philipp: That doesn't sound great either. I don't want you to have to get over yourself to sleep with me!

Nora: Sure. But it's not enough for me to feel like a withered virgin and hope that my husband will stop hanging around like a tired plum in the evening. Recently, I found myself looking at other men and longing for an exciting affair. That really can't be the case!

Too little sex

Lily, 35, a housewife, and Thomas, 40, a doctor, have a seven-year-old son together. Sex is very important in their relationship. But nothing has been the same since they had a child. Lily likes evening sex and likes to sleep in, whereas Thomas has to get up early. They both have less sex than they would like and are often frustrated as a result.

Lily: I often long for the passionate, spontaneous sex of the past. As Thomas snores and works shifts, we have separate bedrooms. Sometimes I sneak in to him at night, but he doesn't like that because he's often overtired due to his working hours at the clinic. Then I lie awake in bed at night worrying about whether our relationship is going through a crisis and how it's going to continue. When we do it every few weeks, the sex is nowhere near the quality it used to be. It's over after a few minutes. Having had several miscarriages, I sometimes have pain during intercourse, especially during quickies. I then find myself pushing through the act because I don't want to disappoint Thomas. I hope that this will somehow subside and we can have fun together again without feeling like we're just having sex to prove that we're still a couple.

Thomas: I had triple A sex with Lily - before our son was born. Lily was a model type, tall and slim. She never quite got rid of the pregnancy kilos. That doesn't bother me, even though I used to think she was hotter. But a relationship without sex would never be an option for me. It's all the more difficult for me to accept that our sex ratio has been so bad since we had a child who is a bad sleeper and constantly ill. Sometimes I feel like a rocket before take-off, it's as if my abdomen is about to explode. Then we have emergency sex. But it leaves a bad aftertaste because I know that it's actually unsatisfactory for both of us. I'm afraid that it will stay like this forever.

«I would never have dreamed that I would no longer feel like having sex».

Philipp, 47, doctor

Sex is overrated

Samuel, 51, is a counsellor and has been with his wife Lisa, 48, a teacher, for 20 years. They have two teenage children. He thinks sex is overrated.

Samuel: I was always faithful to my wife, even when there were temptations, especially in crisis situations. But it's clear to me that we belong together. It's just as clear to me and Lisa that sex has a different significance after so many years than it used to. When we sleep together now, once every few weeks, the sex is very tender, an extended lovemaking session. Orgasm is not the main focus, especially as I'm older. When we make love now, it's an encounter, not quick sex. We're very affectionate with each other in everyday life, hug each other often, kiss each other every time we see each other and laugh a lot together. That's worth a lot to me. When I was younger and the children were small, sex lulls always bothered me. Now I see it differently. I think sex is simply overrated in long-term relationships. There are always phases when one person is less in the mood or sex is simply not an issue for them. So what? That's no reason to break up or start an affair. The closeness between two people, the unconditional loyalty, the shared history is worth much more than a quick fling that just proves to me what a great pike you are.

No desire for him

Sonja, 39, a nursery school teacher, has been in a relationship with her husband Lukas, 38, a police officer, for thirteen years. They are the parents of three-year-old twins. Before the birth, they had a regular sex life. Since the birth of the children, there has been a total lull: no sex for almost four years.

Sonja: Maybe there's something wrong with me. I find my husband attractive; he's a great father and a very loyal, generous partner. Our relationship is harmonious. We exchange caresses and kiss, but that's about it. Even during the pregnancy we hardly had sex, he wanted me less than before and said he was afraid of harming the baby. But I think it was because of my really big belly. The fact that the eroticism between us is gone bothers me a lot, even if I'm not entirely innocent. Shortly after the birth, I found text messages from him to another woman. I had a crisis. Me at home with the twins, exhausted to death, unattractive and with a flabby belly, and my husband having an affair? I was so outraged that I withdrew. After a year, I returned to work and met a man with whom I fell hopelessly in love. The sex was just as you would imagine: violent, explosive. Out of a guilty conscience, we ended things and parted on friendly terms. My husband knows about the story. A separation is not an issue for either of us. But I doubt whether I can continue a sexless relationship in the long term. I very much hope that at some point we'll get back to having sex and that he'll see me as the hot woman he once fell in love with again, not just the mum.

«We exchange caresses and kiss, but nothing more»

Sonja, 39, kindergarten teacher

Porn and Facebook

Eric, 39, is a computer scientist and father of two children. He has known his wife Sandra, 40, for 15 years. Now the attraction has faded. Eric gets his kicks elsewhere - from porn and chats with a childhood sweetheart.

Eric: I fell madly in love during my studies. It was complicated and didn't last long. But I never forgot this woman. She is now married and also has children. I found her again by chance via Facebook. Now she is the object of my sexual fantasies, which I use to spice up my sluggish sex life. I contact her via chat and fantasise about meeting up with her. This excites me so much that I have to satisfy myself, once even in the toilet at my company. That's better than any porn. My wife has nothing against porn as a stress reliever, but if she found out about this former flame, I'd be fucked. I often feel guilty about it because I love my wife and don't want to leave her.

Sandra: I love Eric very much. At the beginning of our relationship, we couldn't get enough of each other. I'm rather prudish, he's not at all, which was interesting! Eric was the first man I could watch porn with without blushing. We have a very close relationship and do almost everything together. For me, it's normal that the eroticism has diminished over the years. We still have sex, just not as often as we used to. But good conversations and a real interest in each other's lives are almost more important to me today; I find that more intimate than just sex. I know that Eric would probably like to have more sex, but is mature enough to accept the situation.

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