«An affair is not a declaration of bankruptcy»

Mrs Bruchhaus Steinert, couples often come to you when their love life has gone awry. What are the most common problems?

When shared sexuality gives rise to problems, listlessness is the most common issue. It is typically one-sided, i.e. one person wants more than the other. One feels offended by rejection, the other feels cornered by accusations.

How important is sex for a successful partnership?

For most people, a romantic relationship also includes shared sexuality. However, this changes in meaning over the course of a relationship. In the beginning, we sleep together because we are in love and use sex to consolidate our sense of identity as a couple.

Later, other areas of life are added that nourish this sense of identity, such as a shared family. Then we have sex to nurture love. Studies show that the frequency of sexual activity decreases after two years and then usually remains at a constant level for a long time.

Giving sex a place in the agenda can take a lot of emotional pressure off.

What if the passion dies out?

There are many reasons for this. Taking care of a family and having to cope with the workload at work and at homepromotes stress, which, if it persists, is one of the most common reasons for sex lulls. We also know that men often relieve tension through sex, whereas women need to relax in order to get in the mood.

Some couples help their eroticism with sex by the calendar.

I think that's great. In our ideal world, lust seizes us spontaneously. The reality is different. If everyday life undermines spontaneity, why not give eroticism a helping hand? We certainly won't always have the same desire for it: Sex is sometimes good and other times less so, it can be annoying or wonderfully invigorating. Giving it a place on the agenda can take a lot of emotional pressure off.

It shows that sex is important to both of them, but doesn't overload it with meaningful questions that come up when there's a lack of opportunity: Do you even like me? Why don't you show me?

When intimacy is confused with fusion, the empty space that is needed for desire to arise in the first place is missing.

Many couples are probably concerned about another question: How can we desire in the long term what we already have?

This question goes beyond the erotic. It is rooted in contradictory needs that are intrinsic to us humans: On the one hand, we strive for commitment, togetherness and security; on the other hand, we are driven by the desire for autonomy, individuality and change. A committed love relationship constantly presents us with the task of finding a balance in this area of tension.

How does that work?

Not without fear and conflict - which we have to face in order to keep a relationship alive. A partner who gives up their desire for autonomy in order to save the relationship is rarely happy in the long term, nor is one who gives up a close relationship just to preserve their individuality.

In this context, we cannot avoid confronting our own desires and fears and those of our partner. This reveals contradictions, individual differences and a distance between the partners. We have to endure this. Distance is important when it comes to intimacy.

What do you mean?

The sex therapist David Schnarch once put it this way: «Intimacy is not the same as closeness, bonding or caring. It includes the awareness that you and your partner are separate beings for whom there is no or no common ground in certain areas.»

When intimacy is confused with merging, the empty space between two individuals that is needed for desire to arise in the first place is missing. It's about recognising yourself as an independent person and also cultivating those areas that make us unique, regardless of our partner. This increases the chance of remaining interesting for each other.

Most people don't cheat because they are turning away from their partner, but because they want to break out of their daily routine.

An affair is one of the most common reasons for couples therapy. Why do people cheat?

In any case, someone doesn't have to be unhappy in their primary relationship to cheat. When the daily grind dominates, we often get the impression that our life together is predictable. If someone then comes along who woos you, it gives us the vibrancy that we might long for in our life together with our partner.

Most people don't cheat because they are turning away from their partner, but because they want to break out of their daily routine. Ultimately, affairs are also a question of opportunity: those who are away from their partner more often are more likely to be tempted. Social developments also play a role.

Namely?

If you believe the figures, affairs are more common nowadays. This has to do with the fact that partners are more financially independent of each other and the economic consequences of a separation are more likely to be borne by both. But our values have also changed: It is no longer considered particularly desirable to put up with a difficult relationship situation. The question of whether we take enough personal responsibility for enjoyment, success and lust for life and realise our life goals has come to the fore.

What does an affair mean for the relationship?

In most cases, this is a serious crisis. It takes time and possibly also support for pain, anger and disappointment to heal. However, every crisis also harbours the potential to emerge stronger. Realising that love needs better care can give the relationship a new direction. An affair is not a declaration of love's bankruptcy. But it does make us realise that not all the needs and desires of each partner can be fulfilled by the other.

An open relationship can be an attempt to get round this problem.

This can be achieved with respect and a lot of tolerance. However, you have to be prepared for the unexpected: Feelings of love within the external relationship, jealousy, demands from third parties. What works in theory often leads to chaos in practice. Couples should be aware that an external sexual relationship takes up time that is not available for a committed partnership. Anyone who limits their time with their primary partner to everyday duties and saves the finer things in life for elsewhere will probably not be happy as a couple for long.