«A family member is not an addiction expert»
Vanessa Brandestini, do those affected even realise when their use of alcohol has become problematic?
You are often the last to realise this about yourself. You want to maintain the belief for as long as possible that your own behaviour with alcohol is not problematic. This is why those around you are usually the first to realise that something is wrong.
And how can the partner recognise that contact is becoming problematic?
Alcohol addiction is a mental illness such as depression. There are defined criteria such as a loss of control over the amount of alcohol consumed, a strong craving for alcohol or the restriction of life due to alcohol consumption - for example, if the partner is increasingly absent from work or can no longer carry out everyday tasks. The onset of addiction is a gradual process.
When has the point come where it becomes really critical?
It can become really critical when someone starts drinking alone on a regular basis. When it becomes something secret. Another sign of the onset of addiction is the use of alcohol as a problem-solving or relaxation tool: when you start drinking one or more glasses of wine after work to relax from work-related stress. Or when you start thinking about alcohol during the day and look forward to finally being able to drink in the evening.
When is the right time for relatives to broach the subject?
Basically, if you find: «I no longer feel comfortable with your alcohol consumption.»
Doesn't that simply meet with rejection?
Yes, that can indeed be the case. The alcoholic partner will usually hold on to a healthy self-image for as long as possible. This can be very difficult for the partners of those affected. You have to find a balance between your partner's needs and your own. On the one hand, you want to try to be there for your partner - on the other hand, you also have to draw boundaries for yourself and say: enough is enough.
How can partners help?
Talking about it is always a good way. This means not looking on, covering up for the person affected or encouraging denial. That would only support the addiction dynamic. My advice is to contact external counselling centres, a family member is not an addiction expert. An alcohol addiction is a mental illness that requires professional support. Many partners think that we have to deal with this within the family and that it must not be publicised. This can be a fatal overestimation of their own capabilities. That's why I advise family members to contact an addiction counselling centre, for example: They can help them find a way. At the same time, they are also a role model for their affected partners: they see that it is possible to get help.
How can parents cope when a parent becomes an addict? And how bad is it for the children?
What is particularly difficult for the children is that their everyday life becomes unpredictable and unstable as a result of a parent's addiction. They no longer know where they stand: What mood is the father or mother in today? They start to constantly observe their environment in order to establish at least a little predictability or control. This is problematic because it causes a lot of uncertainty. Predictability and commitment are essential for children. And at the same time, as a parent you are always a role model - children of alcohol addicts later increasingly adopt the strategy of solving problems with alcohol themselves.
The partners of alcohol addicts are busy trying to cope with their partners, the children and everyday life. How can you offer the children security in such a situation?
It really is a lot to ask. It can be extremely difficult to keep a family together at a time like this and to create a good environment for the children. But it can also have a positive side: If you as a family manage to cope with and process the addiction of a family member, then this can also have a positive influence on the children: they learn how to support each other in the family, how to walk a difficult path together and solve a problem together. This can strengthen family cohesion.
And if that is not possible? When the alcoholic partner can no longer control himself? When he becomes violent?
This is the moment when you have to protect yourself and your children and take action. It is important not to make empty threats, but to actually take action. Professional support can also be valuable here by looking together for ways to set boundaries.
Is this the moment when the partner has to move out with the children?
This can be an option. It is important to communicate that outside help will be sought, be it from a victim counselling centre or the police. This can also lead to the violent partner being expelled from the home for a certain period of time.
In our report, the father was an alcoholic. But the mother didn't realise this. Instead, she became depressed and thought she was the problem. Is that a typical development?
Yes, it often happens that partners take this problem upon themselves and develop feelings of guilt. However, alcohol addiction is often not the actual problem, it is a dysfunctional solution strategy of the person affected. For them, alcohol is the best way to solve a problem at that moment. Abstinence can then reveal underlying problems. The things you actually have to work on. These can also be issues that affect both people in a relationship.
You work with alcoholics. Can anyone overcome their addiction?
In my work, I have never met a person where I thought: there is no hope. In order to find a way out of addiction, the person concerned must realise that they need help and they must want to change something. In the PSA short-term alcohol therapy programme at Wattwil Hospital, we work in small groups of seven patients for four weeks using a solution-oriented approach. The focus of our treatment is on defining and consistently pursuing wishes and goals for the future with the patient. The therapy programme builds on the patient's individual resources and strengths. The main focus is on practising constructive problem-solving strategies, promoting relationship skills and building up motivation for abstinence. However, the work is not finished for the patient after inpatient therapy. We organise suitable aftercare during treatment. This can be a self-help group, individual counselling or outpatient psychotherapy. It is important that those affected stay on the ball.
About the person:
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