«I'm constantly worried that something might happen to my son»

Mum: Hello. I have a 16-year-old son and I often find that I struggle to let him have his own life. I'm constantly worried that something might happen. I always want to know where he is; I sometimes even check his mobile and send him lots of messages. I know that this isn't good for our relationship, and I realise that I'm pushing him away. But I keep doing it, and that's why we end up arguing more often.

Counsellor: I hear what you're describing very often from parents at this stage. When a child becomes a teenager who increasingly wants to be independent, a process of change begins for parents too. It's challenging to strike a balance between being there for them and trusting them. That takes practice and also a bit of kindness towards yourself. If we could find something in this conversation that helps you break the cycle of control and arguments, how would you recognise it?

Mum: I'd be a bit more trusting and wouldn't need to keep such a close eye on him. He's actually doing quite well, and deep down I know he'll find his own way.

I get the feeling that different parts of you are trying to make themselves heard.

Consultant

Counsellor: Listening to you like this, I get the feeling that there are different parts of you trying to make themselves heard. On the one hand, there is a protective part that is worried and anxious. On the other hand, there is a part that is more relaxed and trusting. There is a method that allows you to take a closer look at these inner parts. Would you like to try it out with me?

Mum: Yes, I'd love to – that sounds exciting.

Counsellor: Right, then imagine that you are the coxswain in a rowing boat and your various inner parts are sitting at the oars. We've already identified two of them: the Protective one and the Trusting one. Are there any other inner parts that are in the boat with you at times like this?

Mum: I think there's definitely the resigned one, who's fed up and wants to give up. At the end of an argument, I often say things like «Fine, I won't say a word then» or «Go on, do it all by yourself» – or even worse.

Counsellor: I see. For the Resigned One, it's all or nothing. Have I understood that correctly?

Mum: Yes, exactly.

Counsellor: Right, so so far we've got the Protective one, the Trusting one and the Resigned one. Is there another aspect?

Mum: Yes, I often feel like a bad mum when I'm not in control , when I don't enforce the rules. Yes, exactly – there's still that controlling side of me.

Most of my fears actually have more to do with me than with my son.

Mother

Counsellor: What do you think is the good intention behind each of these aspects? What does each one hope to achieve for you or your son?

Mum: I think most of these aspects actually have more to do with me than with my son. Above all, they reflect my worries and fears. The «Protector» wants to prevent anything from happening to him. The «Controller» wants to make me feel that I'm doing everything a good mother should do. The «Trusting» side tells me that my son is allowed to go his own way. And the «Resigned» side shows me that I'm reaching my limits in these tense situations.

Counsellor: What I'm picking up is that all these aspects actually want to do something good for you. They want to protect you – whether it's you yourself or your son – or they want to preserve something that's important to you. It's just that sometimes this no longer fits with the current situation. Using the image of the rowing boat, this means that you're not currently rowing in the direction you actually want to go.

Mum: Yes, that's right, the boat's going round in circles. The other parts are simply overridden by the «Control» part. Or, when the «Resigned» part takes over, there's no rowing at all.

I would like to hand the oars over to the Trusting One and the Protector; they know best which way to go.

Mother

Counsellor: Which aspect or aspects would you like to take the helm of at this moment, and which ones, whilst they may remain on board, should perhaps take a back seat?

Mum: I'd like to hand the reins to the one who trusts me, of course, but also to the one who protects me. After all, I still want to have my say when I don't think something's right or when I'm worried.

Counsellor: Could you describe them both to me in more detail?

Mother: Yes, the «Trusting One» is calm and hopeful. She acts more as a companion and also helps the «Protector» to remain calm. The «Protector» is present as a mother, but keeps her distance. She speaks her mind without succumbing to fear or panic.

Consultant: Is there a guiding principle that the two of them could share?

Mum: I don't have to control everything. I can just be there, stay attentive and trust my son to gain experience.

Counsellor: So the challenge will be to ensure that the calm, trusting part of you and the attentive, protective part of you take their rightful place at the helm. How do you manage to give these parts more space?

Mum: I think this image is actually helping me quite a lot. I'll try to tell the «controlling» and «resigned» parts of me that they can take a seat in the passenger seat, because the others know better where we're heading at the moment.

Counsellor: That sounds very good. Being aware of which part of you is «steering» at any given moment already gives you more options. Perhaps over the next few days you'll notice that the «Truster» and the «Protector» are getting a little stronger with every exercise. It might also be interesting to talk to your son about your own and his own «parts» in crisis situations. If you find you need even more tools to strengthen these «parts» – we're here for you. You can ring us again at any time.

This transcript is a heavily abridged record of a longer counselling session, reduced to its essential points. Our aim is, on the one hand, to provide an insight into our work and, on the other, to offer readers food for thought on similar issues.
Yvonne Müller, Co-Director of Elternnotruf