4 tips on how to be better at putting our mobile phones away

Before we criticise our children for their smartphone use, we as parents should first strike the right balance ourselves. A four-point guide.

Text: Thomas Feibel

Illustration: Petra Duvkova / The Illustrators

It's rather embarrassing, but last week I turned up late for my own talk on good and healthy smartphone use. The reason was even more humiliating: I couldn't find my mobile. Although I turned the hotel room upside down, rummaged through the bed and my suitcase, and even crawled around on all fours, it had vanished without a trace.

So how was I supposed to get to the venue without a digital sat-nav? Of course, hotels usually provide their guests with a small map of the area, and passers-by could also point the way. But in my frantic search, reason had completely gone out of the window. Finally, I found my smartphone tucked into a fold of green fabric at the foot of the bed – something that nobody really needs!

I'll admit it: I've been using a smartphone since 2008 and still haven't found a satisfactory balance in how I use it. I'm not alone in this. Many adults who take a critical view of children's mobile phone use have no trouble turning a blind eye to their own screen time.

Although I have written several times here about the role we play as role models, this time I would like to encourage a little more leniency and understanding. After all, there are good reasons why even we adults find it so difficult to put our smartphones down. However, we just need to make a few small adjustments to ensure we use digital devices more mindfully. Here is a four-point guide.

1. A realistic view

When we tell children off for using their smartphones too much, they often point out that we're on our mobiles all the time ourselves. Our standard reply – «But I'm an adult» – may quickly put an end to the discussion, but they're not entirely wrong in their argument. But why do we adults often find it so hard to put our smartphones down?

Because it's difficult! In just under two decades, this device, with its many useful features, has crept into our lives and become virtually indispensable. Calendar and note-taking features that work across devices make it so much easier to organise our work and private lives. Emails turn the kitchen, the tram or the beach into a temporary office.

Recognising that it's hard to put our mobile phones aside takes the pressure off us – and the children.

Messaging apps such as WhatsApp or Threema handle the bulk of our quick communications. The built-in sat-nav helps us on car journeys and hikes, whilst the convenience of online shopping saves time ... So, when a single device can meet so many different needs, it's no surprise that we reach for it so often.

Incidentally, children and teenagers find themselves in a very similar situation. How are they supposed to simply put their smartphones aside when they satisfy such a wide range of their needs: communicating with friends, following their role models on social media, listening to music, watching videos, playing games or doing research for their homework?

Recognising that it's difficult takes the pressure off us – and the children.

2. Always available

Being constantly on call is more of a curse than a blessing. We receive work calls even in our free time. How are we supposed to unwind from the working day when messages from colleagues and line managers keep coming in in the evenings or even at the weekend? Even if we don't reply straight away, we can't stop thinking about the matter – because we know we're expected to respond.

Keeping our work and private lives more clearly separate also helps our children to stick to the agreed rules on mobile phone use.

As a result, the end of the working day gradually loses its meaning, which often leads to conflicts within the family. The satisfying feeling of being in control – provided you get everything done straight away – is deceptive. Isn't it enough to deal with it the next working day?

Children, for their part, see how adults allow their smartphones to interrupt everything. They, too, experience a similar strain. They notice how social pressure and the fear of being excluded are growing within their peer group. If we manage to separate work and private life more effectively, we can also help our children, with greater understanding, to stick to the agreed rules on mobile phone use.

3. Handy tips and tricks

If smartphones and the internet really do save us so much time, why don't we have more time? With a few simple tricks, we can limit our use of them.

3.1 Home use

When you get home, start by placing the device in a little basket by the front door.
Put your mobile phone well out of reach more often.
Creating smartphone-free spaces: bedrooms, children's bedrooms of course, and the garden.
Make a conscious effort to go on outings or go shopping together without using your smartphone.
Watching TV in the evening without constantly scrolling on your mobile at the same time.
Use a traditional alarm clock instead of your mobile phone.
No smartphones at the dinner table.

3.2 Reducing notifications and availability

Mute messaging apps such as WhatsApp. You can always reply to incoming messages later.
Disable push notifications from traditional news sites.
Fewer notifications on the lock screen as a general rule.
Read emails only on your computer, or set fixed times for checking your emails.
No endless back-and-forth via email – it's better to just pick up the phone and sort things out in a conversation.

3.3 Mindful media consumption

Cut down on the reflexive urge to reach for your mobile.
Don't spend every spare minute scrolling.
Take some time to wind down, allow yourself to feel bored and learn to cope with it.
Resist the urge to comment on social media.
Introduce mobile-free periods.

3.4 Using assistive technology

Check regularly which apps and features are taking up the most time.
Use Focus or Do Not Disturb modes.
Turn off the sound if possible.
Use detox apps.
Remove unnecessary apps from the home screen.

4. No more excuses

Most of the time, I justify constantly reaching for my smartphone with excuses that I pass off as good reasons. After all, if I'm doing everything right, why am I still unhappy?

Don't worry, we don't have to become mobile-free ascetics overnight. That would be unrealistic anyway. Even small steps can help improve our well-being and make family time more harmonious. The next time our children say, «But you're on your mobile all the time yourself», we'd be better off replying, «You're right – let's look out for each other.»