Sexual violence: Empowering children, deterring perpetrators

«If you don't shower properly after sport, I'll come along next time and show you how it's done.» It was phrases like this and others like them that our PE teacher would regularly say to us girls in PE lessons. They left us feeling unsettled and frightened. Back then, in Year 5, I didn't know how to make sense of this behaviour.

One in seven children in this country experiences sexual violence involving physical contact during their childhood – these are not just abstract figures; this affects children from our neighbourhood and from our school class. Sexual violence takes place everywhere, across all sections of society.

These facts frighten and unsettle parents, and time and again I see denial as a reaction: «That doesn't happen here – not in our village and not in our family!» This behaviour is understandable, but only those who look closely can guide their child wisely. Understanding the mechanisms and consequences of sexual violence helps us to remain vigilant.

But first of all: sexual violence takes many forms: sexist remarks, voyeurism, exhibitionism, unwanted kissing or touching, showing pornography – right up to penetration. All of these violate a child's boundaries. Sexual acts involving children are always prohibited, even if the child has given their «consent».

The idea of a malicious stranger is a myth. 97 per cent of perpetrators come from the child's immediate circle.

Context matters too: if a PE teacher accidentally touches a child's bottom whilst catching them as they fall off the trampoline, that is an act of assistance. It is important that the teacher explains this briefly to the child: «I'm sorry, I touched your bottom – I was just trying to catch you; I didn't mean to.» This allows the child to understand the situation clearly.

However, if this sort of thing happens time and again and the child mentions it at home, parents must take action. Because if it is part of a strategy to gain the child's trust, the perpetrator will realise that people are paying attention and taking action.

90 per cent of offenders are male

Today's generation of parents largely grew up with the image of the evil stranger who lies in wait for children on their way to school and lures them with gifts. But this image does not reflect reality. According to a report by the Independent Commission on the Investigation of Child Sexual Abuse in Germany, 97 per cent of perpetrators come from the child's immediate circle – they are the sports coach, the godfather, the neighbour or the family's best friend.

90 per cent of perpetrators are male. According to the Optimus study conducted by the Lucerne University of Applied Sciences and Arts and the University of Lausanne, in 45 per cent of cases involving children under the age of 5, the perpetrators are the fathers – the largest single group.

Perpetrators are often well-liked – and rarely fit the image we have in our minds.

How grooming works

In doing so, perpetrators use systematic strategies to manipulate children and those around them. In technical terms, this process is known as «grooming» – the deliberate selection of a victim and a gradual approach. The aim is to gain the trust of the child and their parents, to gradually isolate the child and to lead them into a state of dependence.

This preparatory phase often begins innocently enough. The person appears particularly caring, gives the child a lot of attention, gives them presents or takes them on outings. In doing so, they gradually test the boundaries – for example, through fleeting touches disguised as accidents or play, or by sharing secrets. During grooming, they closely observe the child's reaction – yet even resistance does not always stop them. Some perpetrators are put off by a child who fights back. Others, however, carry on – until the resistance subsides.

Shame and guilt

Perpetrators often lead the child to believe that what has happened is normal – and deliberately sow seeds of doubt by blaming the child. In doing so, they often use things the child likes: they link sexualised violence to a hobby or incorporate certain acts into the child's favourite game.

Then they might say, for example: «You want to keep playing this game over and over again – so that's just part of it.» Children believe this, precisely because it is often people they trust – and they remain silent out of shame and guilt. Threats are also among the usual tactics – such as saying that their parents would be sad, that the perpetrator would end up in prison, or that something might happen to their beloved pet.

Take a close look

«I'd never have thought that of him!» is one of the most common phrases heard when cases of sexual violence come to light. Perpetrators are often well-liked – and rarely fit the image we have in our minds.

On the one hand, this makes it harder to recognise situations in which sexual violence is taking place or being planned. However, this knowledge also makes us more aware of the need to look more closely:

• Why does the coach so often seek to get close to a child?
• Why does the godfather keep wanting to do things with my child on his own?
• Why is the choir director so adamant that parents shouldn't watch the rehearsals?

Admittedly, the aim cannot be to mistrust everyone in a child's circle as a matter of principle, but it is worth being aware of this issue.

This reality can be unsettling – yet at the same time it is intended to raise awareness and encourage open discussion. Those who are familiar with the strategies are better able to recognise suspicious behaviour. Particular vigilance is required online, as sexualised violence in the digital space has risen sharply . It is a balancing act: not to place everyone under general suspicion – whilst still remaining critically alert. This is because those around us often unintentionally normalise a person's suspicious behaviour – not out of indifference, but because we like and trust these people.

The girls from the example at the start of the text had told their parents about their PE teacher. Their parents’ reaction: «He doesn't mean it like that!» After all, the teacher was very popular both amongst his colleagues and with the parents. This normalisation protects the perpetrator, who consequently remains undetected for a long time. In the case of the PE teacher, this did indeed later lead to sexualised violence against at least one girl.

Prevention starts in everyday life

I like to compare prevention to a jigsaw puzzle – lots of small pieces come together to form a strong whole. It should be a natural part of everyday life – educating without causing fear, in lots of little moments, not as a monologue at the family dinner table. Let's take a closer look at some of the jigsaw pieces below:

1. Parents’ knowledge

There is evidence that perpetrators follow the pattern described. So simply being aware of these strategies is already an important piece of the puzzle. Parents who understand how grooming works will no longer be so easily taken in by the friendly PE teacher or the popular neighbour. And those who look more closely can take action at an early stage.

Playing at being a doctor offers children a valuable opportunity to discover which kinds of touch they like and which they don't.

2. Sex education from birth

• Prevention starts right from birth – when changing nappies, I can announce what I'm going to do and respond to their reactions. This way, the child learns right from the start: my body belongs to me.
• However, before we talk to children about dangers, we need to establish a positive foundation: sexuality is part of life and is something beautiful and natural. Parents should convey this fundamental attitude to their children.

Playing at being a doctor is also part of normal development – and it's worth setting out clear rules:

• Everyone taking part wants to play the game and is allowed to call «stop» at any time.
• The age difference is no more than three years, as otherwise the power imbalance would be too great – because sexual violence between siblings is far more widespread than we often assume.
• Nothing is inserted into bodily orifices.
• The children make their own decisions and act freely; nobody hurts anyone else, and every child is allowed to ask for help at any time.

As a nursery manager, I often heard that «doctor's» games make parents feel uneasy and trigger strong emotions. Parents who ban such games mean well – but in doing so, they hinder children's healthy development. Children are denied important experiences. Furthermore, depending on our reaction, we may convey to them that such games are «strange» and something to be ashamed of.

Talk to your child about what is and isn't acceptable – and how it makes them feel. These experiences also offer your child a valuable opportunity to work out which kinds of touch they enjoy and which they don't – and to set and accept boundaries.

3. Imparting knowledge to children in a way that is appropriate for their age and equipping them with language skills

Children need words to be able to talk about these things – otherwise it often just remains a «strange feeling in the tummy». That is why we should, for example, use the correct terms for the genitals. Which statement would you be more likely to respond to: «Grandad touched my willy» or «Grandad stroked my vulva»? Using the correct terms and knowing that sexualised violence exists helps children to clearly understand and describe what has happened.

4. Communication – talking about boundaries, physical contact and secrets

This is a classic opportunity to practise setting boundaries: ask the child if they'd like to be tickled, stop immediately if they say «stop», and talk about what feels nice and what feels uncomfortable. It's just as important that we adults set an example by respecting our own boundaries – and communicate what we like and what we don't like.

Parents, too, should set boundaries for their child – for example, when relatives hug the child and the child doesn't want them to. This is how we convey the message: your feelings matter, your boundaries are important and will be respected. For example, I often ask my son if I can give him a hug or if he really likes it when I give him a kiss.

We can help children to say «no» – but we must never hand over responsibility to them, because a child is completely at the mercy of an adult, both physically and emotionally.

Because characters in stories deal with secrets, it is important for children to learn to distinguish between good and bad ones. A birthday surprise for Granny is a good opportunity: good secrets feel good, are always intended to surprise or delight someone, and are temporary – bad ones are not. A bad secret is meant to protect someone who is doing something forbidden.

5. Relationships – Trust as a protective factor

The relationship with the child is a key protective factor. If the child knows they have nothing to fear in the way of punishment, they are more likely to feel confident enough to talk about things. Do I thank them for their honesty and calmly mention what I'd like to see next time – or do I tell them off? Do we foster trust and respect – or is the child afraid of me? Reassure the child: they are never to blame for sexual violence – it is always the adult who is doing something wrong.

Children rarely talk about violence they have experienced – and that is precisely why a trusting parent-child relationship is so crucial. Also discuss with your child how they should react if another child confides a secret in them. Children who have learnt to distinguish between good and bad secrets know this: a good secret I keep to myself – a bad one I tell someone else. You should therefore also discuss who your child can turn to in such a situation.

Never confront the perpetrator – they might cover their tracks and put pressure on the child.

And what if it happens anyway?

For many parents, their world understandably comes crashing down at that moment. Firstly: parents are usually «co-victims» – they have been manipulated just as much. Stay as calm as possible, believe your child, listen to them and thank them for their courage.

Studies show that children often have to tell their story several times before they are believed. Many find this lack of belief just as hurtful as the offence itself. Ask only open-ended questions – leading questions may be interpreted as manipulation in criminal proceedings. Never confront the perpetrator – they could cover their tracks and put pressure on the child. Record your child's statements as faithfully as possible and be sure to seek support from a specialist organisation.

Prevention is never a waste of time – children who understand boundaries and practise mutual respect go through life with greater self-confidence. A gift – one that goes far beyond protection from sexual violence.