It's tough when you've always been at the top of your class and suddenly find yourself falling behind. At primary school, I'd been top of the class, but at secondary school I suddenly had to study – and didn't know how to go about it. Sometimes my stepfather would spend hours trying to explain something to me until we both lost our patience.
I was told I had to try harder, to study more instead of playing video games. But no matter how much I swotted up, maths just wouldn't stick in my head. It was frustrating – and even painful – that everyone thought I was just being lazy. Perhaps my life would have turned out differently if they'd worked out back then what was going on. Then I would have been diagnosed with ADHD and received the support that goes with it sooner.
I'm shy; the pills and alcohol made it easier for me to approach people.
There were constant arguments at home . My mum put pressure on me about school and was strict about mobile phone and curfew rules. She didn't like the fact that my secondary school friends were smoking weed. She was worried we might try harder drugs on Saturday nights in the village. Now she realises it was all harmless.
First ecstasy tablets in the children's bedroom
I started spending my weekends with my dad in town more often. He gave me plenty of freedom. I got to know some young people who used to hang out together in the park. They were all taking drugs – quite a lot, and not the cheap stuff. I was curious. That's how I got hold of my first ecstasy tablets. In the evening in my bedroom, when everyone was asleep, I took half a pill. Then another. It was as if I'd stepped into a whole new dimension.
After the trip, I realised I'd chewed my cheeks until they bled. I kept a low profile and repeated the same scenario the following evening. When I came home from school the next day, my mum had found the pills. She flew into a rage and was distraught. She tried to maintain control with even greater strictness. I distanced myself from her – and moved in with my father shortly before my 15th birthday.
At the weekend, I stayed up all night. The benzodiazepine Xanax made it easier for me to socialise. I'm shy, and the pills and alcohol made it easy for me to approach people. There followed a period when I was popping up to two Xanax a day, which I'd got hold of cheaply. Then I became friends with someone who did coke, and bang, I was right in the thick of it.
I had myself admitted to the psychiatric ward, where my mind finally found some peace.
Caught in a web of lies
Cocaine use is easy to hide. That suited me down to the ground; I'd just started my apprenticeship. I'd have my first hit in the morning. In my spare time, I'd mix all sorts of things: Xanax, coke, cough syrup, alcohol. It was costing me a fortune. I had to sell my clothes, and things were starting to spiral out of control. I was finding it harder and harder to keep my drug use a secret. I was trapped in a web of lies. One morning, on my way to work, I collapsed. I had myself admitted to a psychiatric ward, where my mind finally found some peace.
After three months in hospital, I met my now ex-girlfriend. She saved my life. I got back on my feet, found a new apprenticeship and cut ties with everyone who was using drugs. I found my passion in the culinary profession. The kitchen isn't a cosy place; you have to be able to cope with the boss smashing your dish against the wall if you mess it up.
I work hard for eleven hours a day or more, and my boss gives me plenty of freedom to come up with my own ideas. I'm part of the Talent Class – a development programme for apprentices with particular potential, which gives us the chance to work in top-class restaurants. I'll finish my apprenticeship next year, then I'm off abroad. I want to work in the top establishments. Everything else takes a back seat to this goal. When I'm not working, I'm sleeping. I'm the sort of person who needs to be energised and passionate about something. Otherwise, it doesn't work out. There's no room for drugs. One thing I know for sure: I mustn't get my hands on that stuff again.
* Name changed
