Mrs Garibovic, do «simple» children also need boundaries?

A nondescript office building on Bahnhofstrasse in Zug. Third floor, a tall woman opens the door: red trousers, white blouse, black high heels. Her hairstyle is perfect, her eyes sparkle. A figure straight out of a film. Then her mobile phone rings. An apologetic gesture towards the journalist. «Hello» ... «Yes, are you ill? Have you been drinking?» ... «Life is not a concert of wishes.» ... «It would be good if you came round at lunchtime today.» ...
We are in the middle of the topic.

Mrs Garibovic, was that one of your clients? What is he or she missing?

She is a 17-year-old girl. She drinks, takes drugs, has been expelled from various schools in recent years, has lived in various homes and even on the street. She has sold her body to pay for the drugs. A few months ago, her parents, who are well off, came to me with her. I am now supposed to repair what they have broken for years.

Tough words, but for you they are your daily bread. What kind of children are you dealing with?

They are children and adolescents who have undergone therapy. Sometimes from foreign cultures, but two thirds come from Swiss families. They have seen psychologists, psychiatrists and paedagogues. They have been institutionalised, placed, some have been in numerous homes. They drop out of school, bully their families and teachers, some take drugs or even become criminals. These young people do not find their place; not with themselves, not in their families, not in society.

«Nowhere else is as much money made with children as in this country.»

Sefika Garibovic, expert in the aftercare of difficult young people

Who commissions you?

I am often commissioned by social services, the KESB, municipalities or the youth welfare office. Sometimes parents come to me directly by recommendation.

How do you proceed then?

First of all, I insist that all therapies are cancelled immediately. Then I go to the family. I want to see how the child lives, how the family interacts with each other. This can sometimes be unannounced at 2 o'clock in the morning.

To see whether the young person is at home or out and about, whether their father or mother is drunk.

Exactly, that's much more informative than reading the metres of dossiers that end up on my desk. And what doesn't help at all is letting the children come to my consultation: «So, we've got 45 minutes, now tell me about it.» I start by talking.

Can you tell us your recipe?

There is no recipe. My job is to decode where the problems lie and not to look for the child's faults. I am there for these children with all my pedagogical, re-educational and therapeutic knowledge and, above all, with all my heart. They can always call me, at night, at the weekend and during the holidays. Many people tell me: at last someone really feels responsible and behaves like it.

Can you put that in more concrete terms?

For example, Farid and Adelina from Albania have a different biological development to Nico and Laura from Zug. But our teachers can't deal with this and send such children to a psychologist as quickly as possible. They analyse the behaviour as a disorder. This is about normal physical development. The child is just unlucky that it is perhaps the only one in the class to have reached this stage. My job is to coach and re-educate such teenagers. What are the basic rules of behaviour, values and norms of this society? We have failed to teach them that.

You just mentioned it: You see a major problem in the «clarification hysteria», as you call it, that prevails in this country.

I am radically opposed to the current system, which very quickly clarifies, treats and sedates conspicuous young people with medication. Nowhere else is so much money made from children as here in Switzerland. A place in a residential home costs between 7,000 and 30,000 francs - per month! The closed ward costs 30,000 francs. And when they enter adult life at 18, they are just as broken and unstable as they were at 14. This is a danger for our society.

Can you achieve long-term success for yourself? It's easy to think that you will become a role model for your clients in the short term, and after a year or two everything will be back to normal.

I take on around nine to ten clients a year. Of these, I cancel two to three contracts early, usually because the parents are not as involved in the aftercare as they should be. I accompany the others for an average of one year. Then they no longer need me. I call it a success when this is still the case years later. This is the case in 95 per cent of my mandates.

«There are no bad parents, everyone wants the best for their child.
There are only concerned parents.»

Sefika Garibovic

Your book «Konsequent Grenzen setzen. Vom Umgang mit schwierigen Jugendlichen» (Orell Füssli Verlag, Fr. 24.90). It says that children and young people must learn discipline, accept hierarchies and subordinate themselves to their parents. But you're mainly talking about difficult or difficult-to-educate young people, aren't you?

You know, I often have parents sitting with me who say: «Until two years ago, we had it so good with our son or daughter.» I can only say that problems like this don't just happen overnight. It's a process. In most cases, something went wrong much earlier in the parenting process. At a time when the child's behaviour was not yet problematic.

What are parents doing wrong today?

First of all: there are no bad parents, everyone wants the best for their child. There are only concerned parents. But many mums and dads are totally unsettled by the flood of parenting guides and educational trends. If a mother is wondering whether she should follow the parenting style of Mrs Garibovic or Mr XY, then something is fundamentally wrong. What's more, parents allow themselves to be curtailed in their parental role or task by the authorities. Suppose a child is already conspicuous in kindergarten because it is so restless. It is investigated and the dossier accompanies the child to primary school. There, the school psychological service gets involved. The parents think, finally a specialist is looking after my child - and lean back.

What advice do you have for parents?

To remember their responsibility, to stand up for «their blood» and to be there. I expect mothers and fathers to fulfil their role as parents and not be their children's colleagues. They must be much more committed to preparing their child for life, be a role model, help the child to develop healthy self-confidence, but also to learn independence. And consistently set limits. In 99 per cent of the families I see, the hierarchy is not right.

So back to old values and standards. The majority of experts today propagate a different approach.

I have nothing against experts like Remo Largo. I have great respect for his experience. But statements like «the child should grow freely» - sorry, that borders on deportation for me. Children need guidance from their parents, otherwise they will be overwhelmed and disorientated.

Your daughter is now 36 and a mum of three herself. How did you deal with her back then?

When I moved from the Balkans to Switzerland 26 years ago with my 10-year-old daughter, I was able to take up a job in the profession I had learnt as a forestry engineer. Unfortunately, I had a long journey to work and by the time I got home in the evening, my daughter was already asleep. So I gave up my well-paid job and swapped it for a lower-paid position in a hospice for the terminally ill. It was opposite our flat, so I could be there for my teenager at lunchtime and after school.

Others might have favoured financial security. Are parents of problem children not present enough?

It was definitely the right decision for my daughter and me. Nevertheless, when people say that the parents weren't there, I think that's an excuse. I know enough examples where parents are there all day and are still bullied by their children. It's enough to talk to the child for half an hour every day, but do it properly.

What does «right» mean?

Ask your child in the evening how they are doing and what they have experienced today. But with a genuine interest behind it. See if they have organised everything for the next day so that they can go to bed in peace. And stay interesting for your child. Why don't you ask your 12-year-old son: Can you teach me how to skateboard so that I can do it as well as you? But be honest about it. Children need tasks and honest feedback. At some point, when they grow up, we can no longer tell them what to do. But as parents, we can always keep at it and never stop modelling our attitude to them.

«It's easier for parents to allow everything. Then you have peace of mind.»

Sefika Garibovic

An example: The 7-year-old boy really wants to play outside with the other children. But it's 8pm and school is out tomorrow.

Parents can't leave a 7-year-old in charge of when he goes to bed at night. The next morning, you as a mum have the problem. Your child doesn't want to get up, is tired, can't concentrate at school. Parents today don't want to confront their children. It's easier to allow everything. Then you have peace and quiet.

But after the experience, he might voluntarily come home earlier the next evening.

That won't happen. The fear of missing out and the attraction of being with the other children will always be stronger. Children like this never learn what it means to take responsibility for themselves and others. Out of his tiredness, the boy may start to act out, lose concentration, be restless, perhaps even become aggressive. And what is the next step? The teachers call in the experts and the child is sent to a psychologist. Completely wrong. It would be much better to send someone to the parents and teach them how to set boundaries for their child.

The 13-year-old daughter prefers to hang out with her new friends at the railway station. As a mum, I don't like that at all. What can I do?

Definitely talk to her and explain that you can't do that. «Look, I love you, I want to protect you, but if you go there, you'll be confronting problems.»

And if she goes anyway?

Offer her the chance to meet up with her mates at your home or another, safer place. And if the attraction is still too great, I expect you as a mum to go there and take your daughter home.

«It's important that parents don't panic when problems arise.»

Sefika Garibovic, expert in conflict management

At a certain stage of life, however, this can be quite difficult for parents. You're not arguing in favour of locking your teenager in their room, are you?

Of course not. It's important that parents don't panic when problems arise during puberty. You have to sit down with your children calmly and say what consequences their actions will have, that you will also have problems as a family if they don't stop spending their time at the railway station or smoking pot. You can also calmly admit as a mum: 'I didn't look well enough at you. Now we have to solve the problem, please help me.

How do children and young people react to something like this?

Many respond very well to this - if it is meant honestly. But parents also have to keep at it. In such cases, something has to change fundamentally in family life.

About the person:

Sefika Garibovic is an expert in the re-education and re-socialisation of difficult young people. She works with juvenile prosecutors, KESB, schools, parents and, in particular, with «out-of-therapy» young people themselves to help them find their way into society and working life. An expert in re-education, conflict management and sex therapy, she also lectures at universities of applied sciences. She runs her own practice in Zug.
www.garibovic.ch